Sex, Love, and Addiction

Dr. Louise Stanger is an Ivy League Award winner (2019 Interventionist of the Year from DB Resources in London and McLean Hospital – an affiliate of Harvard), educated social worker, popular author, internationally renowned clinician, interventionist and speaker and an expert on mental health, addiction, process disorders, and chronic pain. In this episode, Dr. Louise provides insight as to how families can best cope and provide support when it comes to a loved one’s addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] I can’t stand my family, but I can’t live without them. [6:55] Dr. Louise’s family was very successful in their careers. However, they all had underlying problems with their mental health.  [8:15] We can’t turn back time and be 4 again to get our needs met, but even as we grow into adults, we have cravings to get our needs met from our family.  [9:00] Sometimes we have to grieve the fact that we never got our needs met by our parents.  [10:55] When it comes to our relationships, we might have to live without our loved ones in order for us to fully grow.  [12:00] Why is it hard for us to not see the abuse happening to us?  [15:20] Your unwillingness to change can be the cause of stalled progress. You don’t have to change the way you love someone, but by changing the behaviors/actions around that person can help them progress in their own therapy and healing.  [16:45] What does a good intervention look like?  [23:20] As a family member, it’s very important to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally.  [25:00] When an addict comes back from therapy, why can’t it just all go back to the way it was?  [26:50] Have you ever said to yourself: ‘If he/she would just fix themselves, everything would be fine.’ Dr. Louise offers advice on how to better approach this.  [29:20] We don’t hear what we don’t want to hear. This is why having an outside/expert opinion matters because it allows you to hear what your spouse has been saying to you for years for the very first time.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Louise: Website & Learn to Thrive Call Dr. Louise: 619-507-1699 The Definitive Guide to Addiction Interventions: A Collective Strategy by Dr. Louise Stanger   QUOTES: “People don’t call me unless their hearts are hurting and there’s some kind of event or crisis that happened with their loved one.” “Relationships with mothers are tough. Like many of us, we are people pleasers. They really want that approval. And all of a sudden, when they’re 40 or 50, they realize they’re never going to get that.” “There’s always been an elephant in the middle of the living room, that behavior has been there, but somehow they haven’t been able to face it until there’s this tipping point.” “Family & friend work is so important because nothing changes until something changes. And if you’re sending your loved one away to be fixed, and then you expect them to come back without a parallel process, that person is doomed.”

Troy L. Love is a two-time Amazon Best-Selling Author and has a third book, A Year of Self-Love, which was published in 2019. Troy shares why we feel such deep shame and dives into the six attachment wounds we carry around after a traumatic childhood. He also helps visualize these six attachment wounds through characters to help people in recovery better understand themselves and their journey.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Troy shares his journey and why he is passionate about helping people with trauma.  [6:15] It took Troy roughly 10 years to feel grounded enough to move forward with his trauma and help other people.  [7:15] How is shame related to addiction. [10:15] Our shame is connected to our attachment wounds. There are six attachment wounds: Loss, Neglect, Rejection, Abandonment, Betrayal, and Abuse. [12:25] How does someone discover whether or not they have childhood trauma or not?  [15:45] Can we get over these childhood traumas?  [19:30] Narcissism can be cured.  [22:55] Our loudest voice is our own judgments.  [29:15] How can someone best recover from their own inadequacies when they have a partner at home who is very upset and hurt over the actions they have done?  [32:15] Darling, I know you suffer, but I am here for you.  [34:05] The use of compassion and empathy are the only ways out!  [36:20] There are places all over the world that can help you. Your location to get good care is no longer a barrier.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Troy: Website & A Year of Self Love by Troy L. Love   QUOTES: “Shame is the deep and abiding belief or experience that I am flawed and defective and therefore unworthy of love or belonging.” “I wasn’t acting out anymore, but man, I was still causing damage and it was fueled by the shame.” “Shame is anger turned inwards and when you stop being angry at yourself, you might start biting at people around you.” “As long as you can start doing the work and start to create some empathy and someplace, that creates space for your spouse to also begin to heal.”

Lulu Cook is an expert in eating disorders and food addiction. She is a coach and dietitian. Lulu helps her clients feel good about their emotional and physical health. Food addiction can show up in many ways and it can be a big struggle to stop binge eating. Lulu provides information on why people typically develop eating disorders, how to best recover/manage their relationship with food, and so much more on today’s episode!    TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] Lulu shares her food addiction journey and story.  [6:10] What is the difference between an eating disorder and food addiction?  [14:00] Do people with eating disorders also typically have body dystopia?   [18:00] Why do people typically develop eating disorders?  [24:20] People need to eat food. How does Lulu help manage her client’s addictions?  [29:25] Food addiction can destroy people’s lives. Lulu shares some examples.  [31:05] How do weight and food fit together? If someone is big-boned or a little heavy, how do they recognize they might just like to eat vs. have an addiction?  [33:05] Food touches everything in our lives. Our relationships, faith, environment, and health.  [38:20] Lulu works with clients all over the world, so location is no obstacle if you’re interested in getting some help!    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Lulu: Lulucook.com & Email: Lulu@gutfeelingcoaching.com   QUOTES: “Food is medicine and the impact of food on my mood was so profound.” “A higher proportion of people who are in bigger bodies will have binging behaviors than smaller people, but that’s not always necessarily the case.” “This stuff is not easy. We don’t get to stop eating if we want to keep living. We just need to learn how to nourish ourselves in ways that feel more healthy.” “I came for the vanity, but I stayed for my sanity.”

Helen E. Fisher, PhD biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow, at The Kinsey Institute, Indiana University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships-- what she calls: slow love. In this week’s episode, Dr. Helen shares how people fall into love addiction and why it can feel hopeless to find the right partner to spend your life with.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] How did Dr. Helen become a sex expert?  [6:15] There are a lot of misunderstandings about how men and sex.  [8:10] What is love addiction? How is it different from sex addiction?  [10:00] Romantic love addiction can actually be very positive.  [12:20] What do you lose when you get rejected? An important partner to have babies with.  [16:45] How can couples celebrate sexuality?  [20:00] A good positive relationship lowers blood pressure, cortisol, and more!  [22:00] Romantic love grows quickly, but attachment grows slowly.  [24:00] How can we better help love addicted people? [25:30] Covid-19 is a good time to find love?  [29:25] In Dr. Helen’s study with Match, 34% of singles have had sex before the first date.  [31:35] Women are getting married later in life.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Helen: Helenfisher.com & Theanatomyoflove.com   QUOTES: “Both men and women have some tremendously effective traits and we need to put our heads together, but to pretend we’re exactly alike is factually incorrect .” “When you’re madly in love with the right person, at the right time, with the right vision, is probably an adaptive mechanism to send their DNA into tomorrow.” “You’re threatened with genetic extinction when you’ve been rejected in love.”   “People in long-term good partnerships, positive relationships, can live up to 5-7 years longer.”

Dr. Rob is back with a continuation of last week’s episode about explaining what prodependence is. How can we better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved ones? Spouses feel terrible enough being married to an active addict, our jobs as therapists is to not make them question themselves, but to help them through their feelings. They are in crisis mode and this means therapists need to do crisis counseling, not codependency counseling. Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency when they are going through a completely natural reaction.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] The women who wrote these books about codependency had traumatic abusive fathers and they ended up married to alcoholic or abusive husbands. However, this does not mean it’s a universal experience.   [4:50] Women were focused on paving their own way in the 1980s. It was needed, but the writings of that time also reflect that. Today? We can tell a different story, but we’re still stuck in the 1980s dialogue.  [7:40] So many addicts say, “I could get sober if my wife wouldn’t nag so much.”  [11:00] A loved one is in a crisis and they need support, not stigmatism or judgement.  [11:25] How does Dr. Rob define a crisis?  [12:40] How do you help someone through a crisis? What are the steps in crisis counseling? Dr. Rob explains. [14:45] The partner has been victimized and they should not be victimized further by their therapist.   [19:25] We ideally should respond to addicts with love and compassion, to remind them that they are loved.  [25:20] Codependency tells people they’re living in denial. They’re not.  [28:40] How do addicts feel about codependency?  [31:35] Dr. Rob shares what he helps people with at his treatment center.  [32:15] Some treatment centers cut the family members off from treatment and they lose their connection with the addict.  [33:55] With social distancing, how are people staying connected?  [34:55] Dr. Rob believes two broken people working to heal together are going to get further than individuals trying to heal by themselves.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak   QUOTES: “91% of therapists believe that the person who was married to an active addict is in a major crisis.” “Until their family life is settled down, their loved one has gotten sober, they are in a crisis too.” “My job, as a therapist, is to help them through the crisis. Not ask them to question or doubt themselves.”   “Crisis is a state of emotional turmoil for an acute emotional reaction to a powerful stimulus or demand.” “With the addicts in my life that I want to deepen my connection with, I say to them, I love you, whether you’re using or not, I love you whatever state you’re in, and if you need me, I’ll come and sit with you.”

Dr. Rob understands that there might be some confusion over what prodependence is, and sheds some light on how we can better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved one; who so happens to have an addiction problem. We support/feel sorry for the spouse trying to care for their partner’s cancer treatments, but why are they shamed for trying to do the same with mental health or addiction issues? Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Dr. Rob explains what prodependence is by providing a hypothetical example of his wife going through cancer vs. drug addiction.  [5:15] How would your friends and family, and community, react differently to a cancer diagnosis vs. a drug addiction diagnosis?  [8:55] Codependency is just another way of blaming, labelling, and shaming innocent caregivers. [11:55] Codependency is underappreciated and is not a mental health diagnosis.   [14:00] When someone is diagnosed with cancer, they read every book and every resource to help the people they love.  [17:00] When it comes to codependency, which book should you be following? There’s so many and some of them are not qualified.  [21:00] Maybe the reason why we keep writing about this over and over is because it’s never quite worked before?  [24:00] As people help people through addiction, they shouldn’t be labelled as ‘broken’.  [25:00] When did therapists ever do treatment and blamed clients for not fitting into our ‘model’? Yet this happens with supportive partners within addiction all the time.   [29:40] Therapy goes much faster when you don’t label, and blame, the spouses for trying to navigate their partner’s addiction.  [33:15] Stay tuned for part two next week!    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak   QUOTES: “What is the difference between someone who is medically ill and someone's in crisis and someone who is mentally ill and addicted and they’re in a crisis?” “Codependency is just another way of blaming, labeling, and shaming innocent caregivers who have done nothing more than try to rescue the person they love.” “As far as insurance companies are concerned, codependency doesn’t exist and as far as mental health is concerned, codependency doesn’t exist.”   “This angers loved ones, leaving them wondering why so much attention is being placed on their dysfunction when they’ve been the hyper-functional ones all along.” “Not being where the client is leaves clients feeling more judged than understood.”

Dr. Rob shares some insights on what goes on in the mind of a cheater. Men do not see cheating as big of a betrayal as women do because they have the ability to detach sex from the relationship, whereas a woman will see sex as deeply connected to the relationship and when that breaks, a whole foundation comes down which can take over a year to recover from.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] What is considered cheating? Is porn cheating? How about webcamming? How about talking to your exes?  [4:05] Cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship. [5:40] Cheating doesn’t have to be sex, either. You can lie to your spouse about money and that is also considered to be cheating.  [7:20] Men, for the most part, have the ability to detach sex from the relationship.  [8:45] A man typically doesn’t know how to fully heal their infidelity without professional help. Men just don’t understand women.  [11:35] It can take a year or more for a woman to overcome the betrayal and men want to repair the relationship way faster than that.  [13:15] Partners are often last to know about their partner’s infidelity.  [15:25] What goes on in the mind of a cheater?  [19:40] Spouses get caught in a cycle of trying to discover the true infidelity of the cheater because cheaters will only reveal information in steps or based on what you have uncovered.  [23:40] Are cheaters narcissists?  [29:20] Cheaters cheat because it gives them some form of control.  [31:15] Healthy people reach toward people for support and the addict reaches away.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “I call cheating the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.” “If you love somebody, you’re deeply connected to them, you’re not looking for what they’re doing wrong, you’re looking for what they’re doing right.” “Secrets kill relationships. Secrets kill trust. Trust is the backbone of the relationship.”   “I have been running away from home for years. When all we really want to do is go ‘home’.” “When you’re in an affair, it’s very controllable. Nobody’s going to hurt you or let you down.”

Dr. Rob went on The Mel Robbins Show with his colleague Noah Church to help a couple work through the man’s porn addiction. Dr. Rob also offered the couple resources they needed to better understand porn addiction after the show. The male partner has felt a lot of regret over his porn use and wants to better understand how to make it stop. His girlfriend is feeling betrayed and doesn’t know where to go from here. Listen in to Dr. Rob’s insight and advice.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] The girlfriend is worried about what other lies her boyfriend has told her throughout their 9-year relationship.  [6:00] The boyfriend is feeling a lot of shame right now. He has felt like he’s led a double life for a long time.  [8:20] How can the couple recover from this?  [13:20] If he wants to change, it’s important that he goes to therapy and support groups.  [15:40] Noah weighs in as a former porn addict.  [16:40] How has Noah been able to live a sober life?  [17:35] The boyfriend doesn’t see this as an addiction. He sees the lying as something to be ashamed of, but not the act itself.  [19:25] How does addiction impact the brain? [22:00] How can we talk to our children about porn?  [23:25] What are some of the signs that your partner might be watching porn?  [24:00] Why is porn considered cheating?    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency The Mel Robbins Show Addictedtointernetporn.com   QUOTES: “People see addiction as only related to substances and pornography is treated very lightly in our society. We’re coming to understand that internet pornography can become very addicting as well.” “There are changes that we can see across all addictions that are similar and those changes include sensitization, we are more sensitive to cues that lead to use.” “Young kids now first come into contact with pornography. I read that the average age is 11, and in many cases younger.”   “There’s a false idea, which is if you talk to your kids about sex, they’re going to want to have it. The truth is if you want to protect your kids from porn, you have to teach them early what’s healthy or what isn’t.” “In the digital age, cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.”

Karl Staib is the Author of Bring Gratitude, a book to help people unlock their mindset and build a more resilient and confident life. Karl tried to have a head-strong approach to building gratitude, but he realized he was doing it all wrong. Instead of trying to change the way he feels, he started paying attention to how he was feeling, and when he did this, he realized a very important shift happening in his life and wellbeing.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Why is Karl so passionate about gratitude?  [4:25] Watching his father become sicker and sicker made Karl realize he didn’t want to live on grit and willpower alone. [6:45] By analyzing his gratitude journals, he realized he had a lot of mental blocks holding him back. [10:05] Interested in starting a gratitude practice? Figure out your ‘why’ first.  [11:25] Every night Karl writes what he is grateful for and why. [13:35] Karl has a post-it note on his mirror to remind him to think about gratitude when he is brushing his teeth.  [15:45] Use this lockdown period as a transition time to start small and build it into something big.  [17:00] Small baby steps build into sustainable habits.  [19:45] Gratitude is the foundation of mindfulness. [25:05] The idea is to not change how we think or how we feel, it’s giving yourself a moment to think about the emotions these thoughts bring up for you.  [28:15] By having gratitude in Karl’s life, he is more confident and happier.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   Bringgratitude.com Bringgratitude.com/plan Bring Gratitude: Feel Joyful Again with Bite‑Sized Mindset Practices by Karl Staib   QUOTES: “We are hard-wired to see the negative. It’s helped us survive for thousands of years.” “Create micro habits by building on a regular habit.” “We’re locked in our houses right now, but the reality is we get locked in our own heads every single day.”   “Right now is an opportunity for us as a transition time to add little habits.” “Is this the thought I want to continue acting on?”  

Forest Benedict is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Sexual Addiction Treatment Provider (SATP), and the author of the book, Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Forest Benedict has taken his practice online! He lives in Washington State but conducts therapy sessions in California, where he is licensed. He discusses how online therapy differs from in-person therapy and what might be the best options for you.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Can you do therapy online?  [5:40] Therapists need to consider both the legal and technical part.  [6:45] Dr. Rob struggles with where to look at the patient. Should he look into the camera or on the screen where he sees the patient?  [8:00] What kinds of concerns do patients bring to Forest about having counseling online?  [10:10] What are some of the advantages of doing therapy online? [12:30] Forest does notice a difference between hosting virtual sessions with older clients vs. younger clients. [14:45] Dr. Rob recognizes that you’re talking about intimacy issues in a very non-intimate space, meaning, the online world. It’s a bit of a contradiction.  [15:30] Some patients feel like when they go to see a sex addiction therapist in person, they might be outed by someone they know. By doing it online, it can be much more discrete.  [17:30] Because of what’s happening in the world, the therapy world will never be the same again. Therapists are being asked to help in any way they can.   [19:15] Does Forest also do couple’s therapy online?  [21:05] Why did Forest decide to move his business online?  [24:05] Should patients go with an in-person session or an online session if they liked the therapist equally?    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Forestbenedict.com   QUOTES: “Just because it’s [dealing with technology] difficult or new, doesn’t mean it’s not helpful.” “When I go to recovery meetings, it’s almost always majority men, especially when dealing with intimacy and sex issues. But when you go online, there are all women. They feel safer.” “I would invite you to try an online session to see if it’s a good fit or not.” “The convenience aspect of attending an online session is very different. One client said it was so much more cost-effective and time-effective.”