Sex, Love, and Addiction

Dr. Rob, Beth Kelley, and Dr. Brett Kennedy continue their conversation about the many faces of loneliness. They consider the challenge and impact of technology on authentic relationships, explore Dr. Rob’s recent experience with ChatGPT, and reflect on the hard work that is creating human connection and combatting loneliness every single day. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:25] What about partners who are physically together but not connected? 
[4:58] The role of ChatGPT and social media in loneliness. 
[9:20] Seeking connecting is not simple work. 
[12:30] How to regulate when you’re feeling overstimulated. 
[14:32] Acceptance of what is over what you want there to be.
[16:21] Loneliness in the face of technology. 
[22:04] Interpersonal relationships have to be two-way. 
[26:40] Loneliness and betrayal in marriage. 
[29:06] Connecting with Both and Brett. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“What is the connection that I’m seeking to make when I’m reaching for my phone?” 
“Combating loneliness is hard work. It’s the work of being human.” 
“Acceptance is not always endorsement.” 
“Until you’re actually interacting with other humans, technology use will put you at a disadvantage.” 

Beth Kelley, LPC, and clinical psychologist Dr. Brett Kennedy are cofounders of The Lonliness Lab. Together with Dr. Rob they explore the many facets of loneliness, including what it means to be connected but isolated, the danger of lacking genuine intimacy, and distiguishing between loneliness, aloneness, and isolation. Each is part of the human experience, but are they all inherently bad? And what is the difference between connection versus community, and why does it matter when navigating the many faces of loneliness? 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:27] Introducing Beth Kelly and Brett Kennedy. 
[3:10] People are just people when it comes to lonliness. 
[4:35] Defining loneliness as an existential connection gap. 
[8:01] What makes us feel lonely versus connected? 
[9:08] Uncovering the layers of loneliness, aloneness, and isolation. 
[12:30] Introverted but overstimulated? Extroverted but lonely? 
[16:04] Is loneliness inherently bad? 
[19:02] Experiencing loneliness as an addict. 
[21:48] Defining loneliness as a longing and a relationship gap. 
[25:18] Loneliness as a physical response. 
[28:00] Stop telling me I need more community! 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“All people are feeling lonely, but not everyone is talking about it.” 
“Lonliness is part of the human experience, even when we feel fulfilled in relationships.” 
“Loneliness is ultimately connected to belonging.” 
“Loneliness is a mind-body experience that has a profound impact on the nervous system.” 

Dr. Rob challenges the common belief that the addiction part of a person is separate and therefore able to be dealt with and removed altogether. Rather, the addict part of you is part of the whole you, and will always have the potential to act out again. As a result, there is danger in declaring that you will never act out again. So what can recovering addicts do instead? Dr. Rob highlights reasonable expectations of both partners in recovery, strategies for building trust again, and the importance of creating a solid support group for both partners after betrayal. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:22] There are two separate parts of me, right? Wrong. 
[4:00] If I lie again am I not really in recovery? 
[5:45] The value of attending 12-Step meetings long after recovery begins. 
[8:07] Common pitfalls in the years after recovery. 
[10:09] The importance of building social support relationships. 
[11:46] Treatment doesn’t actually fix anyone. 
[13:36] Will my spouse ever do this to me again? 
[18:03] Strategies for building trust after betrayal. 
[22:00] Spouses have work to do as well. 
[27:07] Will we ever be happy together again? 
[32:00] Addicts need to work every day on being the best people they can be.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Your capability to do negative things doesn’t go away because you keep your addiction in check. It’s who you are.” 
“Recovering addicts who are fearful and worried about slipping up have a realistic sense of what they’re facing when they go out in the world.” 
“Treatment doesn’t ‘fix’ anyone. It just gives you a chance for remission.” 
“You can only build trust with what you are doing, not with what you are saying.” 
“Addicts need to work every day on being the best people they can be.”

Dr. Jessica Lamar and Dr. Rob continue their discussion about the impact of AI on human relationships, whether AI relationships count as betrayal, and the narcissistic truths of forming a relationship with an algorithm that disguises as the perfect partner who has no expectations of you. Cutting edge technology brings with it cutting edge dangers to human relationships, and Dr. Lamar has answers to the questions that many of us don’t yet know to ask. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:30] The benefits of confessing all feelings to an AI companion. 
[2:58] Is an AI relationship narcissistic? 
[6:44] Does an AI relationship count as betrayal? 
[12:50] Relationships with AI, in their eyes, are relationships. 
[14:33] Key differences between men and women. 
[18:35] Bonding with an AI soulmate. 
[21:50] Guardrails for AI boundaries and sex. 
[25:40] Major concerns in this cutting edge realm. 
[34:33] The human aspect of therapy that AI can’t compete with. 
[37:10] An alarming look at the future of human relationships and AI. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Jessica Lamar
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“With an AI companion, you’re not giving anything. You’re just taking and taking.” 
“Consider AI through the lens that it is pulling you away from human relationships.” 
“The harm on human relationships is real because the expectations have gotten so high.” 
“We expect more from technology and less from each other.” 

Dr. Jessica Lamar and Dr. Rob explore the possibilities that AI has introduced in the world of companionship and intimacy, from validation and empathy to betrayal and romantic feelings with an algorithm. They consider the imporance of being digitally aware, the danger of artificial intimacy, and future expectations from human relationships as a result of what AI companions are programmed to offer. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:21] The impact of AI technology on today’s relationships. 
[4:20] Alarming references and attachments to AI. 
[5:04] The basics of AI algorithm offerings. 
[8:22] Intimacy apps are designed for companionship.
[12:20] Are AI companionships actually relationships? 
[15:15] Betrayed partners possible response to AI companions. 
[19:02] Isn’t artificial intimacy an oxymoron? 
[21:17] The danger of immediate validation and empathy from AI. 
[25:30] Benefits of AI conversation frameworks. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Jessica Lamar
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“AI companion apps are designed to simulate empathy and compassion.” 
“There is an element of these apps that is helpful, and there is the part that feels scary.” 
“A betrayed companion may feel that they can never live up to an AI companion because it isn’t even real.” 
“Compassion and validation 100% of the time is not the reality of human relationships.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about compulsive liars in this week’s episode and the reasoning behind someone who can’t seem to tell the truth. If you are a betrayed spouse to someone who regularly lies and deceives, it can be hard to understand why lying can be the go-to safety mechanism for protection. Dr. Rob explains further in this episode why some addicts just can’t stop lying.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[:30] Why is sex addiction not about sex?
[3:35] I had a relapse and my partner is fed up. I want to build trust again, but she just doesn’t believe me. What can I do?
[9:20] You have to want recovery because you’ll be doing it for a long time.
[12:10] Does it make sense to have a marital absence if my partner has a porn addiction?
[15:30] If you don’t feel safe with someone and if you don’t trust them, don’t have sex with them!
[17:10] My husband lies about his recovery. He’s not doing the work!
[22:45] Is your partner a lost cause? Dr. Rob can help.
[23:00] I think he’s a compulsive liar. Is this connected to his addiction?
 
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
 

Tara Beall-Gomes and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about next-level gaslighting, including red flag behaviors in therapy, role-playing dialogues that highlight gaslighting language, and the role that a therapist can play in finding closure after years of betrayal. Tara also offers encouragement to a partner that is working to regain their spouses trust, and resources for anyone who is unable to pay for extensive therapy. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:25] Now he’s gaslighting our therapist? 
[3:48] Is gaslighting abusive? 
[5:27] Role-play examples of gaslighting, projecting, and controlling. 
[10:58] Shame and empathy with rigorous honesty. 
[15:43] “I knew all along.” Now what? 
[21:37] I can’t believe anything my spouse says. 
[25:25] Identifying the core values that drive our reactions. 
[32:55] The role of your therapist in finding closure. 
[34:50] Red flags in therapy behavior. 
[38:52] Next steps when an addict has support and you don’t.
[43:31] How can a partner ever trust again? 
[46:15] Encouragement and free resources. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Tara Beall-Gomes
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Gaslighting is relational and strategic, while lying is an isolated behavior.” 
“Closure is incredibly important in about to find peace, but it doesn’t have to mean agreement.” 
“You can’t derail your own trauma work and recovery when dealing with your partner.” 
“If you want to trust again, you have to trust yourself first.” 
“You are enough, and you can do this.” 

Tara Beall-Gomes is a certified CT and FL therapist who founded Grit and Grace Recovery, which focuses on betrayal trauma, sex, and porn addiction. Together with Dr. Rob she highlights key differences between simple lies and manipulative gaslighting tactics, the impact that gaslighting has on a partnership, and the importance of empowering a gaslit partner after years of not knowing whether they can trust themselves. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[4:11] What is gaslighting from a therapist's perspective? 
[6:13] Gaslighting affects more than your partnership.
[7:44] Patterns in gaslighting, and why they appear. 
[12:35] Simple lies or real gaslighting tactics? 
[15:01] Common couples gaslighting patterns in Tara’s office. 
[20:31] Empowering a gaslit partner. 
[23:04] Defining the ‘victim’ and the ‘problem’. 
[26:33] Learning to trust your gut. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Tara Beall-Gomes
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Once we understand what something means, we can understand how we can change those behaviors in order to be construction instead of destructive.” 
“Chances are, your gaslighting tactics are not just being used in your coupleship, but other areas of your life too.” 
“Staying in the victim role is not going to contribute to optimal healing.” 

Sarah Morales and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about the progression of gaslighting. Whether intentional or not, gaslighting always happens slowly and stages, and ultimately results in the inability to trust one’s self. In this discussion, Sarah offers tactics for awareness, identification and healing from gaslighting at every stage. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:20] The progression of gaslighting. 
[4:18] “Let me check in with myself.” 
[6:27] What percentage of your childhood included gaslightling? 
[9:17] The end result of gaslighting happens a little bit at a time. 
[10:32] 7 techniques that fall under the gaslighting umbrella.
[13:08] Levels of awareness and motives behind gaslighting. 
[24:28] Passive aggressive behavior and other gaslighting roles.
[27:55] Determining the frequency of gaslighting. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Sarah Morales
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“An inability to trust one’s self is the most significant thing that happens with gaslighting.” 
“Gaslightling is not what happened, it’s how many things happened.” 
“The easiest and fastest way to recognize gaslighting is through the roles we play.” 

Sarah Morales is a Certified Life and Relationship Coach and gaslighting specialist who also sits on the board of APSATS – the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts and Trauma Specialists. Together with Dr. Rob she deconstructs the stages of gaslighting, explains the differences between gaslighting, manipulation and guilt, and addresses common emotions and doubts that partners have when they are being gaslit. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[3:19] The motivation behind Sarah’s work with gaslighting. 
[5:42] What are common gaslighting patterns? 
[8:00] Differentiating between manipulation, guilt, and gaslighting. 
[10:51] Flowcharts to breakdown gaslighting. 
[12:37] Stages of progressive and chronic gaslighting. 
[17:35] Cognitive dissonance at higher levels of gaslighting. 
[19:41] Do gaslighters know what they are doing? 
[23:33] Diversion tactics and self-abandonment. 
[28:40] Maybe my gaslighter is actually right about me? 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Sarah Morales
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Gaslighting undermines partners who are asking for what they need in order to feel safe in a relationship.” 
“Gaslighting only works when it happens from a person that we’re supposed to be able to trust.” 
“Eventually I no longer see myself through my own eyes, I only see myself through my gaslighter’s eyes.”