Sex, Love, and Addiction

Prodependence: What Does it Mean? - Part 2

Dr. Rob is back with a continuation of last week’s episode about explaining what prodependence is. How can we better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved ones? Spouses feel terrible enough being married to an active addict, our jobs as therapists is to not make them question themselves, but to help them through their feelings. They are in crisis mode and this means therapists need to do crisis counseling, not codependency counseling. Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency when they are going through a completely natural reaction.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] The women who wrote these books about codependency had traumatic abusive fathers and they ended up married to alcoholic or abusive husbands. However, this does not mean it’s a universal experience.   [4:50] Women were focused on paving their own way in the 1980s. It was needed, but the writings of that time also reflect that. Today? We can tell a different story, but we’re still stuck in the 1980s dialogue.  [7:40] So many addicts say, “I could get sober if my wife wouldn’t nag so much.”  [11:00] A loved one is in a crisis and they need support, not stigmatism or judgement.  [11:25] How does Dr. Rob define a crisis?  [12:40] How do you help someone through a crisis? What are the steps in crisis counseling? Dr. Rob explains. [14:45] The partner has been victimized and they should not be victimized further by their therapist.   [19:25] We ideally should respond to addicts with love and compassion, to remind them that they are loved.  [25:20] Codependency tells people they’re living in denial. They’re not.  [28:40] How do addicts feel about codependency?  [31:35] Dr. Rob shares what he helps people with at his treatment center.  [32:15] Some treatment centers cut the family members off from treatment and they lose their connection with the addict.  [33:55] With social distancing, how are people staying connected?  [34:55] Dr. Rob believes two broken people working to heal together are going to get further than individuals trying to heal by themselves.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak   QUOTES: “91% of therapists believe that the person who was married to an active addict is in a major crisis.” “Until their family life is settled down, their loved one has gotten sober, they are in a crisis too.” “My job, as a therapist, is to help them through the crisis. Not ask them to question or doubt themselves.”   “Crisis is a state of emotional turmoil for an acute emotional reaction to a powerful stimulus or demand.” “With the addicts in my life that I want to deepen my connection with, I say to them, I love you, whether you’re using or not, I love you whatever state you’re in, and if you need me, I’ll come and sit with you.”

Prodependence: What Does it Mean? - Part 1

Dr. Rob understands that there might be some confusion over what prodependence is, and sheds some light on how we can better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved one; who so happens to have an addiction problem. We support/feel sorry for the spouse trying to care for their partner’s cancer treatments, but why are they shamed for trying to do the same with mental health or addiction issues? Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Dr. Rob explains what prodependence is by providing a hypothetical example of his wife going through cancer vs. drug addiction.  [5:15] How would your friends and family, and community, react differently to a cancer diagnosis vs. a drug addiction diagnosis?  [8:55] Codependency is just another way of blaming, labelling, and shaming innocent caregivers. [11:55] Codependency is underappreciated and is not a mental health diagnosis.   [14:00] When someone is diagnosed with cancer, they read every book and every resource to help the people they love.  [17:00] When it comes to codependency, which book should you be following? There’s so many and some of them are not qualified.  [21:00] Maybe the reason why we keep writing about this over and over is because it’s never quite worked before?  [24:00] As people help people through addiction, they shouldn’t be labelled as ‘broken’.  [25:00] When did therapists ever do treatment and blamed clients for not fitting into our ‘model’? Yet this happens with supportive partners within addiction all the time.   [29:40] Therapy goes much faster when you don’t label, and blame, the spouses for trying to navigate their partner’s addiction.  [33:15] Stay tuned for part two next week!    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak   QUOTES: “What is the difference between someone who is medically ill and someone's in crisis and someone who is mentally ill and addicted and they’re in a crisis?” “Codependency is just another way of blaming, labeling, and shaming innocent caregivers who have done nothing more than try to rescue the person they love.” “As far as insurance companies are concerned, codependency doesn’t exist and as far as mental health is concerned, codependency doesn’t exist.”   “This angers loved ones, leaving them wondering why so much attention is being placed on their dysfunction when they’ve been the hyper-functional ones all along.” “Not being where the client is leaves clients feeling more judged than understood.”

Inside the Mind of a Cheater with Dr. Rob

Dr. Rob shares some insights on what goes on in the mind of a cheater. Men do not see cheating as big of a betrayal as women do because they have the ability to detach sex from the relationship, whereas a woman will see sex as deeply connected to the relationship and when that breaks, a whole foundation comes down which can take over a year to recover from.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] What is considered cheating? Is porn cheating? How about webcamming? How about talking to your exes?  [4:05] Cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship. [5:40] Cheating doesn’t have to be sex, either. You can lie to your spouse about money and that is also considered to be cheating.  [7:20] Men, for the most part, have the ability to detach sex from the relationship.  [8:45] A man typically doesn’t know how to fully heal their infidelity without professional help. Men just don’t understand women.  [11:35] It can take a year or more for a woman to overcome the betrayal and men want to repair the relationship way faster than that.  [13:15] Partners are often last to know about their partner’s infidelity.  [15:25] What goes on in the mind of a cheater?  [19:40] Spouses get caught in a cycle of trying to discover the true infidelity of the cheater because cheaters will only reveal information in steps or based on what you have uncovered.  [23:40] Are cheaters narcissists?  [29:20] Cheaters cheat because it gives them some form of control.  [31:15] Healthy people reach toward people for support and the addict reaches away.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “I call cheating the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.” “If you love somebody, you’re deeply connected to them, you’re not looking for what they’re doing wrong, you’re looking for what they’re doing right.” “Secrets kill relationships. Secrets kill trust. Trust is the backbone of the relationship.”   “I have been running away from home for years. When all we really want to do is go ‘home’.” “When you’re in an affair, it’s very controllable. Nobody’s going to hurt you or let you down.”

Overcoming the Shame of Porn Addiction & Seeking Help — Dr. Rob Weiss on The Mel Robbins Show

Dr. Rob went on The Mel Robbins Show with his colleague Noah Church to help a couple work through the man’s porn addiction. Dr. Rob also offered the couple resources they needed to better understand porn addiction after the show. The male partner has felt a lot of regret over his porn use and wants to better understand how to make it stop. His girlfriend is feeling betrayed and doesn’t know where to go from here. Listen in to Dr. Rob’s insight and advice.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] The girlfriend is worried about what other lies her boyfriend has told her throughout their 9-year relationship.  [6:00] The boyfriend is feeling a lot of shame right now. He has felt like he’s led a double life for a long time.  [8:20] How can the couple recover from this?  [13:20] If he wants to change, it’s important that he goes to therapy and support groups.  [15:40] Noah weighs in as a former porn addict.  [16:40] How has Noah been able to live a sober life?  [17:35] The boyfriend doesn’t see this as an addiction. He sees the lying as something to be ashamed of, but not the act itself.  [19:25] How does addiction impact the brain? [22:00] How can we talk to our children about porn?  [23:25] What are some of the signs that your partner might be watching porn?  [24:00] Why is porn considered cheating?    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency The Mel Robbins Show Addictedtointernetporn.com   QUOTES: “People see addiction as only related to substances and pornography is treated very lightly in our society. We’re coming to understand that internet pornography can become very addicting as well.” “There are changes that we can see across all addictions that are similar and those changes include sensitization, we are more sensitive to cues that lead to use.” “Young kids now first come into contact with pornography. I read that the average age is 11, and in many cases younger.”   “There’s a false idea, which is if you talk to your kids about sex, they’re going to want to have it. The truth is if you want to protect your kids from porn, you have to teach them early what’s healthy or what isn’t.” “In the digital age, cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.”

Don’t Rely on Willpower, Rely on Micro Habits and Gratitude with Karl Staib

Karl Staib is the Author of Bring Gratitude, a book to help people unlock their mindset and build a more resilient and confident life. Karl tried to have a head-strong approach to building gratitude, but he realized he was doing it all wrong. Instead of trying to change the way he feels, he started paying attention to how he was feeling, and when he did this, he realized a very important shift happening in his life and wellbeing.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Why is Karl so passionate about gratitude?  [4:25] Watching his father become sicker and sicker made Karl realize he didn’t want to live on grit and willpower alone. [6:45] By analyzing his gratitude journals, he realized he had a lot of mental blocks holding him back. [10:05] Interested in starting a gratitude practice? Figure out your ‘why’ first.  [11:25] Every night Karl writes what he is grateful for and why. [13:35] Karl has a post-it note on his mirror to remind him to think about gratitude when he is brushing his teeth.  [15:45] Use this lockdown period as a transition time to start small and build it into something big.  [17:00] Small baby steps build into sustainable habits.  [19:45] Gratitude is the foundation of mindfulness. [25:05] The idea is to not change how we think or how we feel, it’s giving yourself a moment to think about the emotions these thoughts bring up for you.  [28:15] By having gratitude in Karl’s life, he is more confident and happier.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   Bringgratitude.com Bringgratitude.com/plan Bring Gratitude: Feel Joyful Again with Bite‑Sized Mindset Practices by Karl Staib   QUOTES: “We are hard-wired to see the negative. It’s helped us survive for thousands of years.” “Create micro habits by building on a regular habit.” “We’re locked in our houses right now, but the reality is we get locked in our own heads every single day.”   “Right now is an opportunity for us as a transition time to add little habits.” “Is this the thought I want to continue acting on?”  

Going to Therapy Online with Forest Benedict

Forest Benedict is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Sexual Addiction Treatment Provider (SATP), and the author of the book, Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Forest Benedict has taken his practice online! He lives in Washington State but conducts therapy sessions in California, where he is licensed. He discusses how online therapy differs from in-person therapy and what might be the best options for you.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Can you do therapy online?  [5:40] Therapists need to consider both the legal and technical part.  [6:45] Dr. Rob struggles with where to look at the patient. Should he look into the camera or on the screen where he sees the patient?  [8:00] What kinds of concerns do patients bring to Forest about having counseling online?  [10:10] What are some of the advantages of doing therapy online? [12:30] Forest does notice a difference between hosting virtual sessions with older clients vs. younger clients. [14:45] Dr. Rob recognizes that you’re talking about intimacy issues in a very non-intimate space, meaning, the online world. It’s a bit of a contradiction.  [15:30] Some patients feel like when they go to see a sex addiction therapist in person, they might be outed by someone they know. By doing it online, it can be much more discrete.  [17:30] Because of what’s happening in the world, the therapy world will never be the same again. Therapists are being asked to help in any way they can.   [19:15] Does Forest also do couple’s therapy online?  [21:05] Why did Forest decide to move his business online?  [24:05] Should patients go with an in-person session or an online session if they liked the therapist equally?    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Forestbenedict.com   QUOTES: “Just because it’s [dealing with technology] difficult or new, doesn’t mean it’s not helpful.” “When I go to recovery meetings, it’s almost always majority men, especially when dealing with intimacy and sex issues. But when you go online, there are all women. They feel safer.” “I would invite you to try an online session to see if it’s a good fit or not.” “The convenience aspect of attending an online session is very different. One client said it was so much more cost-effective and time-effective.”

Let’s Talk About Porn Addiction — Dr. Rob Weiss on The Doctors TV Show

Dr. Rob went on The Doctors TV Show with his friend Alexander Rhodes, from NoFap, to discuss porn addiction and its impacts on today’s youth. The guests on the show discuss whether porn addiction is just used as an excuse to escape criminal behavior, young men preferring porn over sex, and so much more. In this podcast episode, you will be hearing some clips from the TV show and some of its key highlights.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Is Porn really a health crisis?  [5:20] People who enjoyed porn vs. addicted to porn had a difference in the way their brains light up.  [8:45] Are we really dealing with addiction or is it just compulsion?  [9:45] Is porn just a convenient excuse to get a lighter criminal sentence? [12:55] “Porn addiction destroyed my life.” [15:40] Why would a young person prefer porn over sex?  [17:00] If you’re discovering sex through porn, then porn is going to play a big part in your sexuality.  [18:00] Young people have so much shame for watching porn alone at home.  [19:35] You need to talk to your kids about porn!  [21:10] For example, drinking alcohol isn’t that bad, but if you spent 10 hours a day drinking it, then you would have a problem or addiction. The same applies to porn.  [22:40] The good news is that if you have an issue, you can work through it. It’s not your fault.  [23:50] Interview multiple therapists to find the right one for you.   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Nofap.com Clips from The Doctors show about porn addiction Dr. Robert Weiss on Thedoctorstv   QUOTES: “Can you control the porn or is the porn controlling you?” “Every addict has an underlying issue. They all have trauma, depression, anxiety.” “Digital porn is available any time, anywhere, and in unlimited amounts.” “It went from an innocent curiosity about the female form to out-of-control compulsion.” “Porn is a super stimulus. Like sugar.”

Help Her Heal with Carol the Coach!

Carol Juergensen Sheets is a Coach, Therapist, Speaker, and Author of the book, Help. Her. Heal, in which she discusses how a relationship can recover after sexual betrayal. Carol knows men desperately want to stop their sex addiction and stop hurting the people they care about, but can’t seem to control their compulsion. She wrote her book to help couples through this difficult time and to overcome sex addiction together. In this episode, she explains how to find the right coach to help without breaking the bank, working with a hurt spouse & the person who hurt them, and so much more.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Carol used to do radio about sex addiction before she got into podcasting.  [4:45] How can therapists better help patients who can not afford therapy but desperately need it? [6:20] What are some of the best ways to find a coach?  [10:10] After a betrayal, the partner or spouse no longer feels safe with the person who has hurt them. [11:15] Some men are not ready to give up their sex addiction.  [13:25] Carol’s book, Help. Her. Heal, shows couples that you can overcome a sex addiciton. [14:00] When couples seek therapy, Carol knows the man wants to fix this. He hates seeing his spouse in pain, but he just doesn’t know how to stop it. [16:40] Carol asks the person who has betrayed their spouse to step into the spouse’s shoes and to understand what kind of pain they are currently experiencing.  [18:00] 95% of self-help books are brought by women. Men aren’t reading books like Carols’. [19:10] Some men have good intentions, but for some reason, they simply can not sustain them. Carol has resources for these men.  [20:30] What has changed over the last 15 years when it comes to helping spouses through sex addiction?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com Out of the Doghouse Help. Her. Heal  BlogTalkRadio — Carol the Coach  Carol the Coach Carol the Coach YouTube  APSATS   QUOTES: “People get so overwhelmed [by betrayal] that they completely emotionally disengage, they can’t think clearly, and they can’t make sense of the world.” “Avoidance is a big issue in a sex addict. He thinks if he waits long enough the spouse’s feelings will go away.” “When a man is discovered, he may not really be ready to give up his sex addiction because it was his best friend and medication.” “Unfortunately, oftentimes the partner feels like his actions are the direct reflection of how he feels about her, but it has nothing to do with how he feels about her. It’s a compulsion.” “When he helps her heal, he gets better too. It improves his self-esteem.”

Recovering the Child Within You with Eddie Capparucci

Eddie Capparucci is a licensed therapist and certified in the treatment of sex and porn addiction. He runs a private practice with his wife in Marietta, GA and works with men struggling with sex/porn addiction, as well as their wives who are dealing with betrayal. Eddie recently wrote the book, Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction and talks with Dr. Rob on how men can build their emotional IQ and reconnect emotionally with their families.    TAKEAWAYS: [4:30] Eddie believed he was a broken and perverted person when he struggled with his own porn addiction.  [6:20] If you want to work on your addiction, you need to be able to sit with discomfort.  [9:45] When you’re by yourself after the wife and kids are gone, do you experience anxiety and discomfort?  [11:10] How does Seeking Integrity work with trauma?  [14:05] Eddie wants you to move away from shame or thinking that God hates you.  [15:10] Men, you don’t have to be absent in your family’s lives because you’ve worked long hours!  [16:40] A lot of men that walk into Eddie’s practice have a low emotional IQ.  [19:00] Despite living through a chaotic childhood, you don’t need to distance yourself from your current family.  [21:45] Men get a lot more satisfaction in their work lives than they do in their home lives and that might be because men don’t know how to seek satisfaction in their home lives.  [24:05] Your partners are asking you for memorable moments. Whatever is on the computer or TV is just not as important.  [25:15] What you’re about to do, is it good for the relationship?  [26:35] Eddie and Dr. Rob are not just talking about sex or porn addiction, they’re talking about all addiction.  [29:05] What’s wrong with watching porn? It’s not hurting anyone!  [32:50] Who should read Eddie’s book, Going Deeper?    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Innerchild-sexaddiction.com Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction by Eddie Capparucci Email: EdCappa@gmail.com   QUOTES: “We can’t sit with our emotional pain so we learned to distract and escape.” “Don’t just assume something you don’t like or doesn’t interest you, don’t assume that’s the way it is.” “Maybe there’s a part of you inside that’s longing to play with your family and longing to be loved and connected.” “It was like that in the past, but it doesn't mean it has to continue.” “We don’t necessarily know how to grow closer to others at home, so it’s kind of avoided.”

Restored! Women, Porn, and Addiction with Alice Taylor

Porn is not only a guy’s issue. Women struggle with porn addiction, but you never hear about it. In fact, one in three visitors to adult websites is women! So why is there such silence for women looking for recovery resources? Alice Taylor overcame her addiction to porn by finding healthier, non-sexual, ways to have her needs met. She is the author of Restored: A Woman’s Guide to Overcoming Pornography. On this week’s episode, she shares her journey of recovery and the shame that surrounded her about sexuality and porn.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] What are the cultural differences between the U.S. and Australia?   [5:20] Alice grew up in a household that absolutely didn’t talk about sex or sexuality. Why is this a problem?  [6:50] Alice was 12. She was horny and she found porn on the internet.  [8:50] The best way to talk about pornography online is by having a healthy conversation about it with your children, even when they’re 4 or 7, or 14.  [10:35] When did Alice realize her porn addiction was a problem?  [12:35] Alice entered into an abusive relationship because she was a vulnerable mess desperate for intimacy.  [16:40] Alice is very thankful for therapy. She saw her therapist every two weeks for five years and it helped her process all her feelings and emotions.  [20:55] How does Alice’s husband feel about Alice’s sexually disconnected past?  [23:20] Before therapy, Alice was always afraid.  [24:00] Boys and girls get caught up in porn often for different reasons.  [27:30] Why did Alice write the book, Restored?  [30:20] If you don’t heal your deeper issues, the porn addiction will come back.  [33:30] Before Alice dated her husband, her previous sexual experiences were all bad. It was disconnected and unhealthy and Alice didn’t want to be there anymore.  [35:20] Alice wants to help other women experiencing the same thing she did realize their power and overcome any shame they might have.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   Thegracespot.com Email Alice: Alice@TheGraceSpot.com Restored: A Woman's Guide to Overcoming Pornography Book by Alice Taylor   QUOTES: “The bible says no. Sex is for marriage. Think about it when you’re married.” “When you don’t introduce healthy sexuality into a child’s language, it’s either shamed or tell them it’s bad, that creates problems for them.” “By the time I was 18, I was a vulnerable mess desperate for intimacy, affection, loving touch.” “Therapy was just a huge part of healing for me because when I healed those broken places and acknowledge what my needs were, and have them met in a non-sexual, non-porn way, I had less of need to find porn.” “I had so much fear and PTSD. Every person to me was a threat that will hurt me.”