Sex, Love, and Addiction

Dating Starts with Warmth, Safety, and Fun with Ken Page

Ken Page, LCSW, is a renowned psychotherapist, popular Psychology Today blogger, and author of the bestseller Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. Ken was desperately looking for love but found himself chronically single as the years went by. What was he doing wrong? Through his own exploration and diving into the research, Ken shares how we can build intimacy and find a loving and healthy relationship on this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:05] How can single people in recovery safely find their life partner?   [3:45] Ken understands. He was an awful dater for the longest time.  [4:50] Ken really wanted to find someone, but he was always single for one reason or another.  [6:35] Although Ken is gay, the lessons he teaches applies to anyone, no matter their sexual orientation.  [7:55] One day, Ken found himself being called to be a dad. Things changed for him. 9 months later he adopted a child and it led to Ken finding his husband, too.  [9:40] How do you date so that you find a good match for you? This is rarely talked about. [9:55] Ken walks you through an intimacy map. [12:45] How can you put your best foot forward while still remaining authentic? [14:00] How do you bring your most intimate self on a date? Ken shares an example.  [14:45] Keep a journey for two days and note the things that hurt you and note the things that fill your heart.  [18:00] Sometimes, we would rather die than reveal our true self.  [19:20] Does my soul feel safe with this person?  [20:40] Are you pushing love away while you are also looking for love?  [23:40] Can you find true love on Tinder/Grindr?  [27:55] Your deepest gifts are underneath your defense mechanisms.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Ken: Deeperdatingpodcast.com & https://deeperdating.com   QUOTES: “You’ve been talking about looking for love for a really long time, but you’re always single. I don’t think you really mean it.” “As you move closer to the center of the target, that’s you becoming more authentic and the further in you get, the closer you are to the beating heart of humanity.” “It’s an internal journey first to embrace your gifts. When you do that, our dating life changes.” “We all have a true self and we create a false self around that to protect ourselves.”

The Three Pillars to Restoring Sexuality after Betrayal with Drs. Ginger and Bill Bercaw

Dr’s. Ginger and Bill Bercaw are the founders of The California Center for Healing in Pasadena, CA. The Bercaws are nationally recognized relationship and sexuality experts, appearing regularly on Access Hollywood Live and Fox News as well as being Huffington Post columnists and cited in Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and the LA Times. Drs. Ginger and Bill discuss how a betrayed spouse can become intimate with their love or sex addict, ways couples can build intimacy, and how to prioritize therapy when we all live busy lives.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] How do you reintegrate healthy sexuality and trust after betrayal. [5:40] Couples who have made it through the traumatic effects of the betrayal are still going to struggle in the bedroom. [6:55] When a partner finds out about a 12-year affair, some of them want to jump into bed with them right away. Why is that? [11:15] Most recovering sex addicts are not familiar with what intimacy means.  [12:45] What can couples do to take the first step to building intimacy? [20:00] The next step is communication to help restore sensuality in the relationship. [23:50] In Drs. Ginger and Bill’s model, the next step or critical piece to healing is education. [26:20] How do Drs. Ginger and Bill keep their couples motivated to keep pursuing therapy and work on themselves? [28:45] What makes certain couples struggle vs. other couples that thrive? It comes down to the person’s trauma. [30:50] We all have busy lives. Who has time for therapy?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Drs. Ginger and Bill Bercaw: Drsbercaw.com   QUOTES: “By and large, we don’t typically see couples who have great sex lives before discovery.” “We were introduced to a model of communicating and I remember walking out of that therapist’s office and just shaking my head. Normal people don’t talk to each other this way! However, maybe we should try something that’s abnormal.” “If you do have the willingness to prioritize your relationship. It doesn’t have to be an hour every night, it can be half an hour 2-3 times a week. Something to give you traction.” “You can’t ‘will it’ that way or ‘wish it’ that way. You have to be willing to put in the work just like anything else.”

You’re Not Crazy for Trying to Reconcile with Your Addict with Kristin Snowden

Kristin Snowden is a specialist in helping clients recover and heal from addiction, depression, anxiety, trauma, loss, and relationship challenges (namely infidelity and divorce). Kristin has seen women come into her office completely unsure why they feel depressed, why they feel lost, why they feel so broken. And upon further investigation, it’s because these women hide their true feelings and they’re being gaslighted by their addict. Kristin discusses how you’re not crazy about the feelings you have and how to own your power and work on building trust again with your addict.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What is it like working with Dr. Rob? [4:15] Kristin wanted to get Dr. Rob’s thoughts on how betrayed spouses navigate depression and their sexual traumas. [10:00] When someone has been betrayed. They mentally choose to move forward not move on, but their bodies don’t react the same way. [11:15] How does the betrayed partner end up being convinced they’re the problem or they’re the ones with depression? [14:40] Do not invalidate what your body is telling you. [17;55] If something is bothering you and it’s triggering your feelings of betrayal all over again, speak up. You don’t need to hide it. [21:05] You don’t need to deeply examine yourself when the problem is right in front of you. You don’t need to feel more shame about that. [24:00] Some people discover that they’ve really been shamed by their partner for having very real feelings and decide they’re completely done and don’t want to put up with the lies anymore. [26:15] The key is to practice humility and to show up better for yourself despite being hurt and wanting to kick and scream and throw things. [28:05] How do you be strong for yourself when your partner is gaslighting you? [30:50] Group therapy is critical in making you realize you’re not crazy.   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kristin: Kristinsnowden.com Kristin on YouTube   QUOTES: “It’s the person you’re supposed to be the most intimate with and love the most and you feel the most unsafe with them.” “That’s why I encourage therapists who specialize in sex addiction and trauma to really understand the deep unconscious traumas around this as well as shame resiliency work.” “You can’t fix anything you’re not aware of. You can’t change any patterns that you don’t realize exist.” “We say depression is anger turned inward.”

BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - You Can’t Fix Your Partner, You Can Only Work on Your Addiction and Your Healing

Rob and Tami discuss how to best keep boundaries with your mother, how to work through betrayal as a betrayed spouse in a way that encourages your addict to be honest with you, and Rob explains how sexuality works and why you might be attracted to men vs. not.    TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How can I communicate my boundaries without making it into a threat? [7:25] There are three rules you want to keep in mind when you want to make it work and there’s been a betrayal in the relationship. Dr. Rob explains.  [9:50] How do I set boundaries with my mother who subjected me to covert incest? [15:05] Can a man be bi or gay without being sexually aroused by male bodies? [21:45] My wife caught me and is now hypersensitive to stress. How long will this last? [28:20] My boyfriend has a porn addiction. What’s next?   RESOURCES:  Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “My focus in early recovery would be if he is being honest with me. Is he talking regularly about what he’s doing in therapy?” “You can’t fix your wife. You can only work on your addiction and your healing so that you’re aren’t showing up being the betrayer over and over again.” “We knew what we were doing. We chose what we wanted to say to our spouses and hide.” “We kept this a secret from them and we worked hard at it. It’s often a tremendous shock to your spouse and we need to give them the grace at the time to be angry and hurt for a while.”

BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - When Should We Tell Family About Our Addictions?

Rob and Tami dive into whether you can rewire your sexual tastes after being exposed to hardcore porn. They also discuss how to have a successful open relationship (when you’re not an addict) and so much more on this week’s episode!   TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Can I rewire my sexual tastes? [6:10] I don’t think I can handle my partner relapsing. What can I do? [10:45] How can we have a successful open relationship? [13:45] Should addicts reveal their addiction to their family members? [18:00] I stumbled upon child porn and I felt guilty ever since watching it. How do I get over this? [19:45] How do you create healthy boundaries as a sex addict? [24:15] My husband of 28 years has paid for prostitutes for the last 8 years. Will this pain ever end?   RESOURCES:  Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

You have such a pretty face! Women, Trauma Food & Addiction with Kelley Gunter

Kelley Gunter is an internationally acclaimed speaker, life coach, and author of the memoir, You Have Such a Pretty Face. She is a survivor, emotional warrior, and a woman in recovery who is unafraid to tell her truth. She went through a 243lb weight loss journey and opens up about her multiple addictions in this week's episode. If she can get through to the other side, so can you.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] For many women, it's very hard to tell their truth due to society's expectations of them. [3:35] Kelley shares why now is the perfect time to share her truth and her story. [4:05] Kelley made a promise to God that if she could get past this dark time in her life, she will use her voice to empower others. [6:15] When Kelley was 400lb, people would often tell her it was 'such a shame' she was so overweight because 'she had such a pretty face'. It killed her soul every time she heard that. [7:40] When trying to give a compliment, drop out the qualifier. Just say you're pretty! [9:10] Kelley shares her experiences on what it was like to be 'that fat girl'. [11:25] A lot of women end up consciously gaining a large amount of weight because it makes them feel safe and keeps an arm's distance away from men. Kelley shares her thoughts on this. [12:45] How does someone gain 400lb? [14:45] Our pain speaks to us in different languages. [21:10] Kelley was terribly insecure and would often try to buy everybody’s love. [23:50] Most of our addictions don’t come up as ‘just one thing’. It’s a host of issues. [24:45] Kelley’s gambling issues brought everything and her whole life to her knees. [26:30] Kelley knew she wasn’t a bad person, she was a broken person. We all make mistakes, but we aren’t our mistakes. [31:40] Remember, tomorrow is a new day. [34:45] Kelley talks about her upcoming second book.   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kelley: Kelleygunter.com Kelley’s book: You Have Such a Pretty Face   QUOTES: “I was in such a dark place in my life, I was praying to God to let me die, and I couldn't find any truthful stories of people who had made mistakes, people who had suffered, and came out on the other side of it.” “The world can be very, very cruel. Even more painful than the mean comments was that I was just invisible. The world just sees right past you, like you don't even matter.” “Food was the one thing I could go to that would never let me down. I wasn't trying to push people away, but it was the only thing I loved and it loved me back.” “Unhealed trauma will sit quietly in the control room of your soul dictating every calamity.”

Understanding Internal Family Systems Therapy with Jenna Riemersma

Jenna Riemersma is the Clinical Director of The Atlanta Center for Relational Healing. She is a teaching faculty member for the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). Jenna holds a Master's degree in Public Policy from Harvard University and a Masters’ Degree in Professional Counseling from Richmont Graduate University. Jenna is the recent author of Altogether You, which better explains IFS therapy and how every part of you is meant to be (and should not be shamed for it).   TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] What is Jenna’s book about and why did she write it? [5:15] How do we best manage or process the different parts of ourselves? [7:15] We each have a core or a deep self within us. It is whole and it consists of the 8 C’s. However, our different parts (traumas) jump up and obstruct our access to our deep self. [10:55] Dr. Rob shares an example to better understand what Jenna means. [14:30] How do you bring healing to your different parts to become connected to your core self? [15:50] Why do we have such high relapse rates in addiction? [18:50] When we live in our core self, we instinctively embrace all parts. [21:45] Rage and sex addiction are not okay, but the part underneath it all is what we’re trying to help: the individual. [24:10] We all have parts at war within ourselves. For addicts, it might be they want to act out sexually and at the same time, they desperately want to be faithful to their partner. [28:00] IFS is applicable not for addiction, but for relationships and conflict. [33:15] How does MDMA help people with complex PTSD?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Jenna Riemersma: Jennariemersma.com Jenna’s book: Altogether You   QUOTES: “The more effective way to bring healing to a part is by recognizing this is a wonderful part that’s gotten stuck in a very damaging role.” “It’s really about befriending the parts of us of which we are the most ashamed and the parts we feel are the most unacceptable.” “All parts of them are welcome and there’s another way besides shaming ourselves that we can heal.” “We all have parts at war and they look different in all of us.”

Trauma and the Twelve Steps with Dr. Jamie Marich

Dr. Jamie Marich is an EMDR therapy master trainer and the author of several books including, Trauma and the Twelve Steps and Trauma Made Simple. On this week’s show, Dr. Jamie discusses the healing process between the Twelve Step program and addressing your trauma. She also discusses her philosophy with the Twelve Step program and why it’s important to update the language in it to help people grow and recover.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] Dr. Jamie has recently revised one of her books, Trauma and the Twelve Steps. [4:00] People who have worked heavily in the trauma world had a low opinion about the Twelve Steps and vice versa. Why is that? [5:45] Wounds can come in all shapes and sizes, but healing can take on all different forms. [9:00] People use the Twelve Steps as commands, but Dr. Jamie has always seen it as suggested steps. [13:35] The wound itself is not the issue in trauma. It’s how it gets addressed and healed that is. [14:20] A lot of people think they have dealt with their trauma, but they really haven’t. [19:35] Admitting your powerlessness over alcohol or your addiction does not mean you are a powerless person. [21:45] We have to be willing to update the language with the times. The Twelve Steps was written in the 1930s. [28:30] Trauma is never fully healed, but it does evolve. [32:30] We have to validate ourselves, the reality of what’s happening, and we have to validate each other, and then we have to challenge it. [35:35] Is it true we will never truly ‘thrive’ in life?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Jamie: Dr. Jamie Marich  Dr. Jamie’s Book: Trauma and the 12 Steps, Revised and Expanded: An Inclusive Guide to Enhancing Recovery  Traumamadesimple.com Instituteforcreativemindfulness.com Jamie Marich on Twitter  QUOTES: “Why is trauma not the problem? The wound itself is not the issue. It’s how does it get addressed, how does it get healed, and what is the existing system of the person experiencing it.” “There’s a lot of people who think they’ve dealt with their trauma or it hasn’t affected them, but they really haven’t.” “A principle I teach in trauma-informed care is there is always a modification, and I think more people would be opened to the twelve steps if we allowed for that.” “After everything you’ve been through, it’s no wonder you’ve become an alcoholic, what are you going to do about it now?”

Porn Addiction Among Pre-Teen and Teenage Children with Michelle Holleman

Michelle Holleman is a Sex Addiction Therapist based out of Charlotte, North Carolina. Michelle councils pre-teens and teenagers about their porn addiction habits and teaches children the difference between reality and fiction. Young children are being exposed to porn and it can deeply impact their brain. Michelle shares seven tips parents can use to have a healthy conversation with their children about porn, and why they need to talk about it with them; not avoid it.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Who is Michelle and what does she do?  [3:45] Michelle works with a lot of teens who get caught with porn on their school computer.  [6:25] Usually when Michelle gets called in, parents are very concerned. Michelle tries to calm them down and normalize the situation.  [9:35] Anything that can turn into porn, will be turned into porn, which means that there are pornographic cartoons out there.  [12:00] Parents are very bad at talking to their children about sex. They mostly explain how babies get made, but not the act itself.  [13:35] Locking down your child’s phone doesn’t solve the underlying problem. If it’s not at home, they’ll be exposed to it through their friends.  [18:15] How do the conversations differ between a pre-teen child vs. teenager about the conversation of looking at porn?  [21:25] Between the ages of 8 and 16, 90% of children have seen porn by that age.  [22:45] Porn changes our children’s brains.  [24:15] It’s important to tell the truth when talking to your children. [28:45] Don’t punish your child for looking at porn, it sends the wrong message and they will try to hide it from you.  [32:55] The real problem with porn is that it takes the intimacy and connection in sex away. RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Michelle: Lifehealingcounseling.com & LinkedIn  QUOTES: “The parents get called in and then they start to find out how much porn is on the computer, and that’s where it becomes alarming.” “There are ways we can teach our kids early on about pornography and the difference between porn and healthy sex, which includes intimacy.” “The average age kids are actually seeing porn is around 9-years old the first time they see it and the biggest consumers of porn are boys ages 12-17.” “Between the ages of 8 and 16, 90% of children have seen porn by that age.”

A Guide to Intervention with Dr. Louise Stanger

Dr. Louise Stanger is an Ivy League Award winner (2019 Interventionist of the Year from DB Resources in London and McLean Hospital – an affiliate of Harvard), educated social worker, popular author, internationally renowned clinician, interventionist and speaker and an expert on mental health, addiction, process disorders, and chronic pain. In this episode, Dr. Louise provides insight as to how families can best cope and provide support when it comes to a loved one’s addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] I can’t stand my family, but I can’t live without them. [6:55] Dr. Louise’s family was very successful in their careers. However, they all had underlying problems with their mental health.  [8:15] We can’t turn back time and be 4 again to get our needs met, but even as we grow into adults, we have cravings to get our needs met from our family.  [9:00] Sometimes we have to grieve the fact that we never got our needs met by our parents.  [10:55] When it comes to our relationships, we might have to live without our loved ones in order for us to fully grow.  [12:00] Why is it hard for us to not see the abuse happening to us?  [15:20] Your unwillingness to change can be the cause of stalled progress. You don’t have to change the way you love someone, but by changing the behaviors/actions around that person can help them progress in their own therapy and healing.  [16:45] What does a good intervention look like?  [23:20] As a family member, it’s very important to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally.  [25:00] When an addict comes back from therapy, why can’t it just all go back to the way it was?  [26:50] Have you ever said to yourself: ‘If he/she would just fix themselves, everything would be fine.’ Dr. Louise offers advice on how to better approach this.  [29:20] We don’t hear what we don’t want to hear. This is why having an outside/expert opinion matters because it allows you to hear what your spouse has been saying to you for years for the very first time.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Louise: Website & Learn to Thrive Call Dr. Louise: 619-507-1699 The Definitive Guide to Addiction Interventions: A Collective Strategy by Dr. Louise Stanger   QUOTES: “People don’t call me unless their hearts are hurting and there’s some kind of event or crisis that happened with their loved one.” “Relationships with mothers are tough. Like many of us, we are people pleasers. They really want that approval. And all of a sudden, when they’re 40 or 50, they realize they’re never going to get that.” “There’s always been an elephant in the middle of the living room, that behavior has been there, but somehow they haven’t been able to face it until there’s this tipping point.” “Family & friend work is so important because nothing changes until something changes. And if you’re sending your loved one away to be fixed, and then you expect them to come back without a parallel process, that person is doomed.”