Sex, Love, and Addiction

BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - How Can I Heal My Addiction?

Rob and Tami talk about the biggest emotion you should fear in your marriage is not hate, it’s indifference. When they no longer care, that’s when you know the relationship can not be salvaged. They also share how you can recover from a betrayal, and how long it truly takes to ‘heal’ an addiction.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Dissociation and decompartmentalization, how does it work? [3:50] Addicts don’t trust that people can soothe and comfort us. [6:25] At the end of the day, reality is what wins. [8:00] How long does it take to really heal from sexual addiction? [15:35] Been with your addict for a long time? Tami and Rob have a support group for you. [16:35] How does an addict’s emotional abuse get addressed at Seeking Integrity? [20:45] When should I tell my daughter about our toxic relationship? [23:40] My wife is hurt beyond belief. She wants to know how to make the pain stop? [29:15] Partners are searching through everything you have because they’re looking for reasons to stay. [29:45] The opposite of love is indifference.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “Addicts don’t trust that other people can soothe and comfort us. We’re the only ones who we believe can make ourselves feel better.” “We don’t ever heal addiction. Addiction is a form of mental illness.” “If you pursue your recovery with the same energy you pursued when you’re acting out, you’ll do really well, but it’s going to take a lot.”

Journaling to Recovery

Harriet Hunter has been on a long journey of sobriety and uses her experiences to help others overcome their addiction to alcoholism and drugs. Her drug of choice these days? Journaling. Harriet started this practice to finally be ‘seen’ for the first time. As someone who was always hidden in the shadows, journaling provided Harriet an outlet where she could explore her thoughts, emotions, and more in an organized way. Through journaling, Harriet found healing. Find more about her story in this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Harriet and the kind of work she does.  [3:45] Harriet started her journaling practice just to feel like she existed.  [6:00] Despite getting married and having a child, Harriet’s addiction was still going strong. [7:15] Both Harriet’s husband and daughter, who was only 26, passed away.  [7:55] Journaling allowed Harriet to go places where she wouldn’t let herself go in ‘real life’.  [8:55] Harriet had a terrible marriage with her husband, but he would often say to her that he liked her better when she drank.  [10:00] What is journaling?  [11:30] When Harriet’s husband passed, she realized she never had been alone before.  [12:45] What’s the difference between ‘standard’ journaling and journaling with purpose?  [15:10] How does it make you feel? Harriet didn’t even know how to answer that question. [17:30] Harriet is grateful she’s alone.  [21:25] When Harriet was watching her daughter die, she had to connect herself to a spiritual purpose.  [23:35] God wasn’t punishing Harriet.  [26:25] What is the patient bill of rights all about?  [27:35] This is a journey between Harriet and her higher power. [28:15] Life is a big session of teaching us how to let go.  [31:55] What is Harriet’s course all about and how does she help people with a journaling practice?  [33:45] Harriet’s book was written shortly after her daughter passed away.  [36:30] Harriet is alive today to help bring peace to others.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Harriet: Harriethunter.org & Miracles of Recovery   QUOTES: “I was successful at nothing. I had jobs to sustain my lifestyle. To pay for my addiction.” “Journaling is a walk to the heart. When I pick up a pen, it allows me to see what I would not see otherwise.” “I got sober online. I never had the guts to walk into a room. I was terrified.” “The end goal is to find the positive and find our own truth of positivity inside of us.”  

“I Want to Stay” Keeping Relationships Together After Betrayal

Dr. Merry Frons has been working with individuals’ and couples’ relationship issues for the past 25 years. Her training as a sex therapist grew out of her experience working with couples when she realized that sexuality issues were part of couples' concerns and had a large influence on the underlying couples’ dynamic. Dr. Merry is out with a new book, The Trust Solution, where she talks about how two spouses can work on building trust and a healthy relationship again; A topic both her and Dr. Rob dive into on this week’s episode!    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] A little bit about Dr. Merry Frons [3:25] Why did Dr. Merry decide to write her book, The Trust Solution?  [5:20] So many people are dealing with intimacy betrayal issues and they need guidance and help. It’s difficult to navigate this space alone. [6:55] What does the betrayed partner go through after they’ve discovered infidelity?  [8:15] Dr. Merry shares some of the important steps a hurt partner needs to focus on.  [10:45] If the cheating partner wants to work through this, what can they do?  [12:20] The biggest step to a better relationship is by being honest and coming clean. [14:25] Sometimes a betrayed partner wants to know everything and anything, but there are limits to knowing everything.  [16:15] The betrayed spouse doesn’t want to continue the relationship, now what?  [18:40] if both parties want to make it work, what are the next steps?  [23:20] What does Dr. Merry mean by attunement in this context? [26:45] The spouse that has broken the relationship is trying, but they might not know about the tools available to them to help build healing. [27:25] How do you build a two-party system when you’re so hurt and angry? A real partnership?  [31:10] What does Dr. Merry mean by ‘flow’?  [33:50] There’s no right or wrong decision on whether to stay or go.  RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Merry: Renewcounselingpllc.com   QUOTES: “How could you do this if you loved me? You say you loved me, and yet you did this to me.” “The hurt partner needs time to process these emotions. They need safety, support, and soothing.” “You can’t heal what is not acknowledged.”

How to Heal from The Pain Your Sex Addict Has Caused You

Carol Jeurgensen Sheets is a certified CSAT, Social Worker, and has been in this space for over 40 years. It is Carol’s mission to help both betrayed spouses and addicts overcome their own hurts and challenges so that they can live happy lives together. As a betrayed spouse, it’s important that you do inner work to heal your wounds and hurts that your addict has caused you. In this episode, Carol talks about her new book, Unleashing Your Power, and how you can use it (along with her other online workshop resources) to practice self-care and to heal.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Carol and her background in this field.  [4:25] What is Carol seeing on the ground after a partner has experienced betrayal?  [6:20] How does Carol help a betrayed spouse grow and heal from these events?  [10:15] Some betrayed spouses feel like they’re going crazy because they’re doing things they’d never thought were possible because they’re so hurt and angry at their spouse.  [12:30] When you go through a transformation, you end up on the other side enlightened.  [16:20] Carol talks about her new book, Unleashing Your Power.  [19:40] How can someone love you and hurt you so deeply at the same time?  [21:45] What kind of homework or work does a betrayed spouse need to focus on?  [24:05] You need to work on healing your hurt and working on your own self-care as your addict goes through their own journey. 

Do Sex and Porn Addicts Commit Violent Crimes?

Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D., CSAT-S is the President of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, a training institute and professional organization for addiction professionals, and a senior fellow for Meadows Behavioral Healthcare where she works with sexually addicted clients and their families. Dr. Stefanie talks about the recent tragedies that happened in Atlanta, and how the shoot claimed he struggled with porn addiction, and more. Do sex addicts commit violent crimes?    TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Let’s talk about the tragedies that happened in Atlanta. [3:35] Sex addiction and murder, are they connected?  [7:55] We also have a high rate of suicides. Most times people turn their aggression inwards. [8:20] Did the shooter have other underlying mental disorders?  [8:50] Sex addiction has always been seen as a ‘joke’.  [12:05] There is so much research on this topic and yet people don’t take it seriously.  [14:55] A huge portion of the population is struggling with this.  [16:45] People want to see criminals being held accountable.  [17:45] The public sees really big stories of what sex addiction can do, but they don’t see how it affects the everyday man and woman.  [20:35] Why can’t someone just read a book and then do this work?  [22:25] Are people just going to these therapists to treat a problem they don’t really have?  [24:30] There is simply not enough resources for sex addicts. [27:35] What are some of the common feelings a betrayed spouse might face/experience?  [31:25] Want to learn more about this work? Reach out to Dr. Stefanie.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Stefanie: Iitap.com & Stefaniecarnes.com   QUOTES: “10% of men and 7% of women were struggling with porn addiction.” “The industry was created because there was a need. They’d go to a sex therapist and they’d say this [form of] addiction doesn’t exist.” “72% of betrayed spouses are having trouble functioning. Just getting through the day is difficult.” “They find themselves confused and overwhelmed, which are all symptoms of trauma.”

REPOST: What is Sex Addition and What is it Not?

Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction 101! Your host, Rob Weiss, is a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships and addiction. This podcast is a way to discuss these topics in frank and informative ways. Rob will talk with everyone from experts from around the world to regular people just looking to make their relationships better.     In today’s episode, Rob breaks down what sex addiction is, and isn’t. He also discusses the recovery of sex and love addiction, and resources on ways to further expand your education on the topic.   TAKEAWAYS [1:17] Sex addiction is a repetitive pattern of using sexual fantasy and behavior as a way to escape difficult feelings or emotions. It is a lifelong struggle, and is not the same thing as sexual orientation or gender identity. [6:29] Rob equates a sex addiction to an eating disorder in the way that we have a primal need, but it can become disruptive and harmful to our normal lives. [8:44] The life of a sex addict ends up being a double life, and many times affection and connection is compartmentalized away from intensity, fantasy and stimulation. [11:36] It is rarely about the partner, and addicts may try to blame their spouse to take some of the distractions away from their own compulsion and need for recovery. [14:19] Sex addicts have a responsibility to work on themselves, get support and commit to recovery. [16:02] Real love is knowing someone fully, and accepting them fully as they are. It takes about two years to truly know and understand who someone is. The love addict looks for these experiences with blinders on to soothe and mask their loneliness, obsession and emptiness. [19:44] Rob explains how sex and love use pleasure to escape reality, and how Intermittent Reinforcement is used to perpetuate this behavior and lose focus of the reality of the situation. [23:55] Being a sex addict does not excuse the behavior, but does mean there is a lot of work to be done in order to clean up their act.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Out of the Shadows Always Turned On Charlotte Kasl Brenda Schaeffer

A 12-Step Program for People Who Aren’t Addicts

Kristin Snowden and Scott Brassart collaborated to write a book, based on the 12-step program, that can help anyone, of all walks of life, find coping strategies when ‘life just happens’. Not an addict herself, Kristin struggled deeply when crisis after crisis happened in her life and she was completely unable to cope. She used the 12-step program to help her through this journey and give herself a newfound sense of accountability. Scott, a person in recovery and has gone through the steps himself, underlines the importance of each step within the book and how it can completely change your life. Find out about Kristen and Scott’s story on this week’s episode!   TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Kristen and Scott and what they do. [3:45] How did Kristen and Scott get to working together on this book? [6:35] The 12-step program really helped Kristen get through a lot of interpersonal conflict within herself even though she is not an addict herself.  [8:10] Is there a 12-step program for ‘normal’ people? That’s what Kristen’s and Scott’s book is all about! [10:40] Is the 12-step program a cult? [11:40] We are tribal people, we find our tribe and we follow it. There’s nothing wrong with that. [13:20] What is a 12-step program, really? [16:40] How does the 12-step program help ‘regular people’? Kristen shares how it helped her. [20:40] What was Kristen’s ‘bottom’ that made her seek additional help and get accountability? [24:45] When bad things happen, how do you deal with it? This book is to help you get the right coping strategies. [28:00] Scott breaks down how the book is structured. [32:30] Kristen shares who this book is for and why it can help you!   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kristen & Scott: https://www.kristinsnowden.com/book & Life Anonymous book   QUOTES: “When I didn’t start getting what I wanted, my life crumbled and I realized I had such poor coping skills when life was coming at me and I couldn’t control it.” “I was a transactional Christian. I did good to get good. I put up superficial fronts to say I was good and great.” “Addiction is a maladaptive coping skill and it works until it doesn’t work.” “People find soliance and guidance in all kinds of places. The 12-step program is painfully underutilized. The 12-steps teach coping skills.”

BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - Can Betrayed Spouses be Addicts Too?

Rob and Tami talk about codependency and why the term actually shames betrayed partners, not supports them. They also dive into some of the misconceptions people have about the partners of addicts. In this week’s episode, they share how you can find a therapist that understands you and what you’re going through, and doesn’t shame you.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] Is it a good sign my addict is apologizing or is this a manipulation tactic? [2:15] Dr. Rob, are you offering partner meetings? [3:50] Can codependency delay the addict’s recovery? [8:00] Your partner stays with you because they love you! Not because they love your addictions! [9:10] I can’t find a CSAT in my area. What should I do? [12:50] My therapist told me I am addicted to my sex-addicted partner. Can betrayed spouses be addicts too? [17:35] What have been some of the biggest changes Dr. Rob sees from the people leaving his treatment center? [21:25] When addicts go through treatment and realize the damage they’ve caused, they become afraid that their spouses will leave them. [24:45] I am struggling to understand addiction. Why do people do it? [29:30] Do addicts have moments of clarity?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “The partner that’s just been trying to hold things together is just being blamed (for being codependent).” “The word codependency has brought a world of harm onto women for many, many years. It mirrors our history of shaming caregivers.” “There’s a lot of negativity assigned to the spouse for being in this situation with your partner, who is addicted. We love who we love and we stick by who we stick by.” “One of our jobs is that nobody goes out there and does it again without understanding how it’s going to affect the people they love and themselves.”

What is the Concept of ‘Home’, Really?

Dr. Rob does a solo episode this week to talk about the concept of home and what it means to us and how it differs from people who aren’t addicts. No matter where you are, home is meant to be a safe place, but for addicts, it’s a place we run away from. If you grew up in an environment where home was hell, then it makes sense why you never want to go back there. Dr. Rob discusses how you can rebuild and really find ‘HOME’.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Let’s talk about the concept of home.  [2:30] Why do addicts keep running away from home? [4:20] Home is not what kind of furniture you have or what kind of car you drive, or your computer. Home is the people you come home to or that place where you feel like you’re at peace.  [4:50] If you have an intimacy disorder, you’re not going to be able to maintain the home you’ve created for yourself as an adult.  [5:30] We deeply love the homes we create, but we’re broken people and we’re unable to stay there.  [6:25] The minute something goes wrong, we run away. We live double lives.  [7:10] While you’re starving for connection, behind you there is a banquet waiting for you.  [10:45] We often don’t see what’s right in front of us.   [15:10] It makes sense why you want to run away from home. If you grow up in a nightmare, why would you want to stay there as an adult? [18:00] Going ‘home’ for the holidays was just a crazy concept. Home was a scary and unsafe place. [22:30] You can only have one life. Do you want to spend it just running away from everything that’s important to you?  [23:00] How can we make home a joyful and exciting place to be?  [25:30] When we get caught for our bad behavior, home ends up being another unsafe place for us. But this time, instead of running away, you need to fight your way back to it.  [26:55] It’s taken Dr. Rob years to stop running. [29:10] How do you find and rebuild connection again?  [32:00] Your life is going to change for the better. Just put in the work. [33:25] The most important word is ‘Home’.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “Home is the most sacred place in our lives, no matter what kind of foundation that means for us.” “What addicts and those who cheat and/or are unfaithful do, we leave home like everybody else, but then we never come back.” “The nature of an intimacy disorder means you’re constantly running away from home. Constantly looking for intensity and distractions because you can’t deal with home.” “Healthy people don’t have to live a double life.”

BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - My Addict’s Therapist Blames Me for His Wrong Doings!

Rob and Tami explain in depth what a betrayed spouse is going through during the first year and a half after a reveal, and what a person in recovery can do about it. They also answer listener questions about porn addiction since the age of 10, and what to do when a CSAT therapist sides with the addict and not with the betrayed spouse.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] My wife hates me. When will it stop? [2:25] Dr. Rob explains why it’s important for betrayed spouses to find a place to vent outside of your home with the addict. [4:25] He’s just not getting it! Will I ever get empathy from my addict? [8:00] I have been a compulsive user of sexual fantasy since I was 10. I’m struggling. How do I become normal again? [13:15] As a betrayed spouse, I’m seeing red flags with my husband’s current therapist. The therapist blames me! [15:40] Not all therapists are good therapists. You do get a mixed bag and it can be a journey to find the right one. [18:45] My addict broke my boundaries. What do I do? [25:35] At Seeking Integrity, Dr. Rob and his team turn boys into men. [27:35] Is there something wrong with me that I want to be intimate with my untrustworthy addict?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “After a year and a half, I will say to betrayed spouses that, at a certain point, your anger can be unproductive.” “I think it’s important for every betrayed spouse to have a place to go where they can vent because addicts need some space from you in order to grow, even though we deserve [the anger]!” “Stopping the bad behavior I can do in a month or two, but becoming a good person can take a long time. A lot of therapy.” “Stopping the behavior is critically important, but also address the underlying issues. There’s a reason we use these addictions as an escape.”