Sex, Love, and Addiction

Marry Yourself First with Ken Donaldson

Ken Donaldson has been one of Tampa Bay's leading change specialists since 1987. With a 25 year background as a mental health and relationship counselor, he has a unique perspective in winning in the game of change. Ken's credentials include: Licensed mental health counselor; board certified as an addictions professional and clinical hypnotherapist; and certified as a master relationship coach. In this episode, Ken talks about his book, Marry Yourself First, and the proud change it can bring when you live by your purpose and values.     TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] Ken shares why he wrote the book, Marry Yourself First.  [8:15] How do you ‘marry’ yourself?  [14:30] What areas of your life do you currently feel disappointed in? [18:05] Sometimes we get frustrated because we unknowingly have expectations surrounding that situations and we’re leaving ourselves disappointed.  [21:20] Your reaction is a reflection of you, not a reflection of the person who is triggering you.  [25:40] Ken explains what the MVP and VIP acronyms stand for and how you can live within your values and purpose.  [31:20] How do you know what your priorities are when trying to maintain your values?  [34:55] What happens if you never really do find the partner of your dreams?  [39:00] You have to figure out your own drum beat and march to that beat.  [41:35] Ken has created a structure to help people find inner happiness.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Kendonaldson.com Marry Yourself First by Ken Donaldson QUOTES: “Usually frustration comes from an expectation.” “When you have a reaction to somebody else, go look in the mirror first.” “We go back to know, like, and trust yourself. Well, you said you knew yourself, but apparently you didn’t trust yourself because you broke your own rules, and by doing that, what does that say about liking yourself?”

How to Build Intimacy One Step at a Time After Betrayal

Alex Avila is a Master CSAT and the Founder and Director of Relationship Institute of the Rockies. He works with men, women, and couples on their sexual intimacy and helps them explore, and overcome, their trauma so that they can connect deeper and more emotionally in their relationships. Alex is also the author of, 40 Forms of Intimacy, in which he dives into how couples can strengthen their relationship through communication and understanding. Find out more on this week’s episode!   TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] How do you build intimacy while also recovering from addiction? [3:15] What is intimacy? Intimacy is sex! No, not so fast. [7:55] What does intimacy look like in the context of a romantic relationship? [9:30] Alex explains what attunement means and why addicts often struggle in this area. [11:00] How do you truly express appreciation for your partner? [16:00] If things get too heated, take a break. You’re responsible for half of the relationship, and you should be able to communicate that in a healthy way. [22:10] Build a ritual together, build a space in your home where it’s a safe space to air out some of your grievances. A safe space to communicate openly. [28:30] Remember, we are human. Sometimes when we express vulnerability, the other person can take it down a completely different road than where we wanted it to go. [34:25] If you’re not in a relationship, would you still benefit from Alex’s book? [37:00] Feel free to reach out to Alex for more information!   RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing Relationshipinstitute.org Alex on LinkedIn Alex on Twitter Grab Alex’s book: 40 Forms of Intimacy   QUOTES: “Sometimes we appreciate things, but we don’t turn those thoughts into words.” “When someone says something, it just triggers a thought and then we grab the conversation and take it in a whole different direction. That can be painful.” “In all these topics we’re talking about respect, safety, and being sensitive to each other.”

How could you love AND Cheat on me? — Part 2

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares part 2 of a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. When Dr. Rob was at the height of his addiction, he felt terrible all the time. He felt ashamed, he was suffering from depression, and he was wondering why. Despite this, he never wanted to pin his depression on his addictions. He was looking for every excuse in the book to not live a life of integrity. Addicts love to live in their own fantasy and will do everything they can, blame anyone they can, to keep that ruse up. Healthy people live in their reality and realize ‘Oops, that hurts me. I need to stop’, and they do! Dr. Rob talks about how to wake up and start living in reality again.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The breaking of trust is what destroys our spouses. [4:00] A healthy person recognizes their reality and changes their bad actions. Addicts blame reality because it means they can keep living in their fantasy and in their addiction. They choose to blame reality for their bad actions. [7:40] Addicts shift their focus to, “How can I keep doing what I’m doing and get away with it?” [8:10] At the height of Dr. Rob’s addiction, he wondered why he was so depressed all the time. It was because he was having sex with strangers who he had no connection with! [10:30] Dr. Rob realized he had been running away from home his whole life. Yet home was what he deeply wanted! [13:00] Let’s talk about plate spinning. [13:55] We live in our own lies. [18:00] How do addicts compartmentalize their lives so well? [19:50] What is the true path to happiness? [23:25] Dr. Rob answers a listener's question about compartmentalization. [25:25] Dr. Rob answers another question. “I feel like being real with my spouse is hurting more than helping.”   RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing   QUOTES: “We make bad decisions because we’re not facing our choices in reality.” “Reality wins. It will eventually catch up to you.” “We are more vulnerable than most men. We think we’re stronger, but we’re not. We run away from our reality.”

How could you love AND Cheat on me? - Part 1

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. As addicts, we become so disintegrated in our everyday lives. We do not believe our loved ones when they say they love us. We do everything in our power to push love away because we feel we do not deserve it. There’s a lot of internal shame that we face. Dr. Rob talks about how you can begin to live a life of integrity and value, and connection with your loved ones. It is possible! You just have got to take it step by step.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What Rob is about to talk about is not therapy. It’s supplemental therapy.  [3:55] Rob started doing this work when he was 26 years old.  [4:55] Get a piece of pen and paper folks. You’ll be writing some notes down! [5:25] DENIAL: Don’t Even Know I Am Lying.  [7:15] Here’s why denial is powerful to our survival.  [12:25] Why is the word ‘integrity' so important?  [13:40] In our addictions, we are disintegrated.  [14:00] Addicts already have low-self esteem and hold a lot of shame.  [14:50] What is the definition of intimacy? It’s not sex.  [16:10] What breaks your partner’s heart is that they can’t trust you anymore.  [20:10] Of course your spouse would be the last to know! They love you! They trust you! And now that trust is broken.  [22:10] Spouses are looking through your phone to find that they can trust you again.  [23:35] Rob wants you to write out the words ‘Addict’ and ‘Healthy Person’. [26:25] Healthy people choose reality. Addicts choose to live in fantasy.  [28:40] You’re living in denial if you believe that your actions won’t affect others.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing   QUOTES: “Disintegration allows us to do what we want to do, but it keeps any real love away.” “Intimacy is being known fully by people who love you. Letting yourself be known with no secrets.” “He’s being honest. That has a profound meaning for the partner even if you don’t have your stuff together.”

Rebuilding Your Life After Betrayal with Kelly Ibarra

Kelly Ibarra is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) who specializes in Sexual Addiction and complex partner betrayal trauma. Kelly is the author of Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven: A memoir about rebuilding after complex sexual betrayal. She is also a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and is trained in Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR (SAFE). In this week’s episode, Kelly talks about why she wrote her book and how she helps people who have been in her position of deep emotional hurt that was comfortable to tolerate.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Why did Kelly write her book, Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven? [4:25] Kelly, unfortunately, has had first-hand experience on what it’s like to love a partner that acts out. [7:00] When Kelly met her husband, he had been acting out for at least 20 years. [9:00] Kelly shares a little bit about her relationship with her husband and how she began to find out that he had an addiction. [13:00] When Kelly found out the extent of the addiction, her husband asked to ‘call her back because he was with friends’. The lack of attunement is very real for a lot of people with trauma. [14:35] It took years for Kelly’s husband to walk into a counselor's office. [15:55] Why did Kelly stay in the relationship for so long? [20:00] Because of Kelly’s own traumas, she was deeply attracted to her husband’s behaviors because they made sense to her. The more ‘stable’ guys were seen as a novelty and it scared her away. [22:55] How did Kelly recover from this? [25:35] What makes a partner heal from betrayal? [29:05] Partners in recovery are learning to dance for the very first time. [34:00] What are primary and secondary emotions? [37:45] How has this trauma affected Kelly’s children? [42:40] No matter how bad things really are, your children have to be the primary focus. [46:40] After a betrayal, how can you be intimate again?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kelly: LinkedIn & Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven.  Email Kelly: KIbarra@CPCounsel.net   QUOTES: “When it eventually got to a place where he’s like, “I have a problem.” It didn't mean he was ready to suit up and jump out of the plane.” “No matter what we’ve been through, a lot of things that happened to us as kids affect the way we see relationships and experiences as adults.” “I stayed because I felt like no one else would love me, nobody would accept me.”

BONUS: Q&A with Rob & Tami - How Can I Heal My Addiction?

Rob and Tami talk about the biggest emotion you should fear in your marriage is not hate, it’s indifference. When they no longer care, that’s when you know the relationship can not be salvaged. They also share how you can recover from a betrayal, and how long it truly takes to ‘heal’ an addiction.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Dissociation and decompartmentalization, how does it work? [3:50] Addicts don’t trust that people can soothe and comfort us. [6:25] At the end of the day, reality is what wins. [8:00] How long does it take to really heal from sexual addiction? [15:35] Been with your addict for a long time? Tami and Rob have a support group for you. [16:35] How does an addict’s emotional abuse get addressed at Seeking Integrity? [20:45] When should I tell my daughter about our toxic relationship? [23:40] My wife is hurt beyond belief. She wants to know how to make the pain stop? [29:15] Partners are searching through everything you have because they’re looking for reasons to stay. [29:45] The opposite of love is indifference.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “Addicts don’t trust that other people can soothe and comfort us. We’re the only ones who we believe can make ourselves feel better.” “We don’t ever heal addiction. Addiction is a form of mental illness.” “If you pursue your recovery with the same energy you pursued when you’re acting out, you’ll do really well, but it’s going to take a lot.”

Journaling to Recovery

Harriet Hunter has been on a long journey of sobriety and uses her experiences to help others overcome their addiction to alcoholism and drugs. Her drug of choice these days? Journaling. Harriet started this practice to finally be ‘seen’ for the first time. As someone who was always hidden in the shadows, journaling provided Harriet an outlet where she could explore her thoughts, emotions, and more in an organized way. Through journaling, Harriet found healing. Find more about her story in this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Harriet and the kind of work she does.  [3:45] Harriet started her journaling practice just to feel like she existed.  [6:00] Despite getting married and having a child, Harriet’s addiction was still going strong. [7:15] Both Harriet’s husband and daughter, who was only 26, passed away.  [7:55] Journaling allowed Harriet to go places where she wouldn’t let herself go in ‘real life’.  [8:55] Harriet had a terrible marriage with her husband, but he would often say to her that he liked her better when she drank.  [10:00] What is journaling?  [11:30] When Harriet’s husband passed, she realized she never had been alone before.  [12:45] What’s the difference between ‘standard’ journaling and journaling with purpose?  [15:10] How does it make you feel? Harriet didn’t even know how to answer that question. [17:30] Harriet is grateful she’s alone.  [21:25] When Harriet was watching her daughter die, she had to connect herself to a spiritual purpose.  [23:35] God wasn’t punishing Harriet.  [26:25] What is the patient bill of rights all about?  [27:35] This is a journey between Harriet and her higher power. [28:15] Life is a big session of teaching us how to let go.  [31:55] What is Harriet’s course all about and how does she help people with a journaling practice?  [33:45] Harriet’s book was written shortly after her daughter passed away.  [36:30] Harriet is alive today to help bring peace to others.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Harriet: Harriethunter.org & Miracles of Recovery   QUOTES: “I was successful at nothing. I had jobs to sustain my lifestyle. To pay for my addiction.” “Journaling is a walk to the heart. When I pick up a pen, it allows me to see what I would not see otherwise.” “I got sober online. I never had the guts to walk into a room. I was terrified.” “The end goal is to find the positive and find our own truth of positivity inside of us.”  

“I Want to Stay” Keeping Relationships Together After Betrayal

Dr. Merry Frons has been working with individuals’ and couples’ relationship issues for the past 25 years. Her training as a sex therapist grew out of her experience working with couples when she realized that sexuality issues were part of couples' concerns and had a large influence on the underlying couples’ dynamic. Dr. Merry is out with a new book, The Trust Solution, where she talks about how two spouses can work on building trust and a healthy relationship again; A topic both her and Dr. Rob dive into on this week’s episode!    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] A little bit about Dr. Merry Frons [3:25] Why did Dr. Merry decide to write her book, The Trust Solution?  [5:20] So many people are dealing with intimacy betrayal issues and they need guidance and help. It’s difficult to navigate this space alone. [6:55] What does the betrayed partner go through after they’ve discovered infidelity?  [8:15] Dr. Merry shares some of the important steps a hurt partner needs to focus on.  [10:45] If the cheating partner wants to work through this, what can they do?  [12:20] The biggest step to a better relationship is by being honest and coming clean. [14:25] Sometimes a betrayed partner wants to know everything and anything, but there are limits to knowing everything.  [16:15] The betrayed spouse doesn’t want to continue the relationship, now what?  [18:40] if both parties want to make it work, what are the next steps?  [23:20] What does Dr. Merry mean by attunement in this context? [26:45] The spouse that has broken the relationship is trying, but they might not know about the tools available to them to help build healing. [27:25] How do you build a two-party system when you’re so hurt and angry? A real partnership?  [31:10] What does Dr. Merry mean by ‘flow’?  [33:50] There’s no right or wrong decision on whether to stay or go.  RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Merry: Renewcounselingpllc.com   QUOTES: “How could you do this if you loved me? You say you loved me, and yet you did this to me.” “The hurt partner needs time to process these emotions. They need safety, support, and soothing.” “You can’t heal what is not acknowledged.”

How to Heal from The Pain Your Sex Addict Has Caused You

Carol Jeurgensen Sheets is a certified CSAT, Social Worker, and has been in this space for over 40 years. It is Carol’s mission to help both betrayed spouses and addicts overcome their own hurts and challenges so that they can live happy lives together. As a betrayed spouse, it’s important that you do inner work to heal your wounds and hurts that your addict has caused you. In this episode, Carol talks about her new book, Unleashing Your Power, and how you can use it (along with her other online workshop resources) to practice self-care and to heal.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Carol and her background in this field.  [4:25] What is Carol seeing on the ground after a partner has experienced betrayal?  [6:20] How does Carol help a betrayed spouse grow and heal from these events?  [10:15] Some betrayed spouses feel like they’re going crazy because they’re doing things they’d never thought were possible because they’re so hurt and angry at their spouse.  [12:30] When you go through a transformation, you end up on the other side enlightened.  [16:20] Carol talks about her new book, Unleashing Your Power.  [19:40] How can someone love you and hurt you so deeply at the same time?  [21:45] What kind of homework or work does a betrayed spouse need to focus on?  [24:05] You need to work on healing your hurt and working on your own self-care as your addict goes through their own journey. 

Do Sex and Porn Addicts Commit Violent Crimes?

Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D., CSAT-S is the President of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, a training institute and professional organization for addiction professionals, and a senior fellow for Meadows Behavioral Healthcare where she works with sexually addicted clients and their families. Dr. Stefanie talks about the recent tragedies that happened in Atlanta, and how the shoot claimed he struggled with porn addiction, and more. Do sex addicts commit violent crimes?    TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Let’s talk about the tragedies that happened in Atlanta. [3:35] Sex addiction and murder, are they connected?  [7:55] We also have a high rate of suicides. Most times people turn their aggression inwards. [8:20] Did the shooter have other underlying mental disorders?  [8:50] Sex addiction has always been seen as a ‘joke’.  [12:05] There is so much research on this topic and yet people don’t take it seriously.  [14:55] A huge portion of the population is struggling with this.  [16:45] People want to see criminals being held accountable.  [17:45] The public sees really big stories of what sex addiction can do, but they don’t see how it affects the everyday man and woman.  [20:35] Why can’t someone just read a book and then do this work?  [22:25] Are people just going to these therapists to treat a problem they don’t really have?  [24:30] There is simply not enough resources for sex addicts. [27:35] What are some of the common feelings a betrayed spouse might face/experience?  [31:25] Want to learn more about this work? Reach out to Dr. Stefanie.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Stefanie: Iitap.com & Stefaniecarnes.com   QUOTES: “10% of men and 7% of women were struggling with porn addiction.” “The industry was created because there was a need. They’d go to a sex therapist and they’d say this [form of] addiction doesn’t exist.” “72% of betrayed spouses are having trouble functioning. Just getting through the day is difficult.” “They find themselves confused and overwhelmed, which are all symptoms of trauma.”