Sex, Love, and Addiction

Addicts are Emotionally Undeveloped Adults with Dr. Eddie Capparuccii - Part 2

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Dr. Eddie Capparucciis, the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors, to talk about common blind spots someone in recovery might have. When addicts are in their addiction, they can exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies, which can make it difficult to connect with others and see their perspectives.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Addicts have a hard time seeing their own blindspots. What should they be aware of?  [2:40] Curiosity of people is an important way to connect with others. Addicts can lack this curiosity.  [3:35] Addicts can be hypersensitive to rejection and criticism.  [5:00] People learn how to love from their caregivers.  [6:20] In a lot of ways, addicts have been emotionally neglected. [8:50] In recovery, we have the opportunity to break the cycle.  [10:20] You break the cycle by being emotionally present.  [12:45] Emotionally unavailable people tend to be ‘do-ers’, they try to fix the problem by finding a solution, instead of being present with their emotions.  [16:10] As long as you’re oblivious to the pain you’ve been through, you will also be oblivious to the pain you’re causing others.  [18:35] How do you work through your issues if you can’t afford therapy?  [21:40] Dr. Eddie talks about the current work and programs he’s a part of to help others. [24:15] Don’t have the financial resources to go to therapy? Dr. Eddie can help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn Strugglingmen.org   QUOTES: “Anyone who has struggled with addiction has some strong narcissistic tendencies.” “Your kids are watching everything. Whether they’re 4 or 14. That’s one of the ways we don’t get an understanding of what we need.” “It’s never too late to start making changes.” “Even in the most troubled families, they are oblivious, even if they don’t mean to be.”

Addicts are Emotionally Undeveloped Adults with Dr. Eddie Capparuccii - Part 1

Dr. Eddie Capparucciis the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors. He believes at the heart of most Problematic Sexual Behaviors are unresolved childhood pain points. Dr. Eddie specializes in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors including pornography. Among his many clients, they have been professional athletes including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. In this episode, Dr. Eddie explains why sex addicts are really emotionally undeveloped adults, and how they can break old patterns and build intimacy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little bit about Dr. Eddie Capparucci. [3:20] Trauma plays a major part in addiction.  [5:10] Sex addiction goes further than just sex. Men with this issue are emotionally undeveloped.  [6:10] Addicts aren’t bad people, they’re broken people.  [6:20] Are therapists just making bad excuses for an addict's poor behavior?  [9:10] My addict is sober, but they’re still a jerk. What’s going on?  [11:25] What do you call someone who cheats? Are they considered ill?  [15:00] Addicts are used to running away from their pain and they will take whatever distraction presents itself.  [16:55] How can you help an addict take accountability?  [17:50] Someone struggling with addiction needs to begin to think about their legacy and to tap into a bigger purpose.   [20:00] What happens if someone is just not motivated to get better?  [22:45] Dr. Eddie shares how he works with betrayed spouses who feel unlistened to.  [25:50] Emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy. What’s the difference?  [28:15] So many people aren’t taught what emotional intimacy is. [30:40] Dr. Eddie understands he has an avoidant attachment style. But, by understanding his childhood, this makes perfect sense!  [32:30] At the end of the day, Dr. Rob and Dr. Eddie are here to help people break patterns and build intimacy.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn   QUOTES: “What do I get? I get very frightened and scared people who can’t sit with pain and have found a coping mechanism of escaping.” “The addiction isn’t the only piece. It’s the whole presentation that you’ve been giving to the world.” “People who deal with addiction do not know how to sit with emotional discomfort or distress.” “I can tell you all the ways I’m a jerk, but learning how to be different is more of a commitment.”

Ambushed by Betrayal - The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners

In today’s episode, Dr. Rob talks with Michele Saffier and Allan Katz about their book, Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on Their Heroes' Journey to Healthy Intimacy, which was written after the two met in a psycho trauma workshop. Michele has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1993. She was trained with Dr. Rob in the field of Sexual Addiction and went on to private practice and began using the trauma model after three years. Allan is a licensed Professional Counselor (LPC/MHSP) in the states of Tennessee and Mississippi and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. With over 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur and marketing consultant, he, later on, shifted to become a professional therapist to help others in the field of sex addiction. They share how their book can help betrayed partners heal from their trauma and learn healthy intimacy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little introduction of Michelle and how Dr. Rob knows her. [3:15] Michelle didn’t work in the field of addiction before and recalls the young couple she worked with that inspired her journey. [4:25] A little bit about Allan as well and how he became a therapist. [6:50] Michelle sees herself as a trauma therapist. She explains why. [8:40] How does Allan work with the spouses to empathize with their addict partners who don't see it from a trauma perspective? [11:00] Allan shares how he transitioned from helping people non-professionally and the difference with being a professional therapist. [13:00] Michelle recommends partners to watch comedy shows and shares how this helps their recovery. [14:20] Betrayed partners take on the personal responsibility of causing their addict partner to act out. Allan shares his thoughts on this. [16:50] Michelle sees from the betrayed partner an attachment trauma and explains why.  [18:30] How does Michelle help a spouse learn that empathy may not be forthcoming? [21:25] Dr. Rob asks Michelle and Allan about the book they wrote called, Ambush By Betrayal. How did they come up with the title? [23:35] Dr. Rob shares the subtitle of their book and asks how their hero’s journey evolved. [24:45] Michelle realized that in the same spirit of prodependency, they want their readers to be empowered. She shares how there can be beauty in this broken life. [25:50] Michelle and Allan met in a psycho trauma workshop. Allan shares what psycho trauma is and how that relates to their book. [30:00] What they want to achieve with their book is to provide a release from all the hurt, pain, and unworthiness and physically do something with it. Michelle talks through this process further. [33:20] For the betrayed person, anger is the only way they can protect their heart from their perpetrator. Michelle shares how they can help them see the wounded person underneath.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Ambush By Betrayal by Michele Saffier and Allan Katz Allanjkatz.com Traumahealingpa.com   QUOTES: “The behavior is the behavior but really, they’re these little wounded boys and girls trying to survive.” “If you’ve been in a good relationship, then there’s obviously another reason why somebody would do these things and go off and be with somebody else or look at pornography or whatever. I’m not condoning it or saying it’s right; it was a choice but there is such a thing as addiction and that’s what we have to look at.” “You’ve got to be empathic rather than defensive because the main thing your spouse or partner wants to know is that you really do understand what you’ve put her through.” “The primary attachment is the person that has my back, my beloved and the one that wherever I am in the world, is my home.”

Eight Steps Toward Restoring Love, Sex and Intimacy with Dr. Janis Rozler

Dr. Janis Roszler is a licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified sex therapist, registered/licensed dietitian, master-level addiction professional (MCAP), and award-winning medical media producer. She is currently an instructor at the International Institute of Clinical Sexology and has a private therapy practice in Miami, Florida. In this episode, she talks about intimacy more than just being sexual. She shares seven different types of intimacy that don’t necessarily lead into the bedroom and the value of taking time off from being sexual with your partner.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] A little bit about Dr. Janice and where she and Dr. Rob got connected. [3:35] Intimacy is not only sexual. Dr. Janice talks about the other seven types of intimacy. [5:40] How can affection be different from the affection you have for a friend?  [7:25] Dr. Janice also shares what physical activities partners can do together that are not sexual. [10:45] What is spiritual connection? [11:30] Dr. Rob shares what intellectual connection means for him and his husband.  [12:25] Another way to connect is social. Dr. Janice explains further. [13:20] Emotional connection is when you share your feelings about something. Dr. Janice talks about “I” statements when sharing your feelings. [16:05] These other areas of intimacy can help you grow your sex life. Dr. Janice explains how. [19:20] Can people with differences come together in a passionate way without disagreement?  [23:20] Relationships are not magic. Dr. Janice shares the ups and downs of her 40-year marriage. [26:15] Sensuality vs sexuality. Dr. Janice tells the difference.  [29:45] How do you get to sex by not having sex? Dr. Janice talks about the value of couples not being sexual for a period of time. [30:33] Addiction vs yearning. How do you differentiate the two? [35:33] Dr. Janice summarizes the eight types of intimacy and how to use them to connect with your partner.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dearjanis.com Dr. Janis’ Books   QUOTES: “Intimacy is not only sexual.” “We’re talking about building the wealth of friendship, not just sexual partners. But we hope that the person you are involved with is also a friend with whom you have a deep connection with.” “Esthetic connection means that you view something of beauty together. You experience it at the same time.” “You’re not blaming, you’re not saying ‘Look what you did’, you’re just sharing your feelings. And the thing with feelings is that they are never wrong.”

What Is Trauma, Really? And How Is It Related to Addiction?

Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron are both the Founders of Trauma and Beyond Center, based in Los Angeles. They provide outpatient trauma programs for trauma, mental health, and co-existing disorders. They have written a book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook, to help people ask reflective questions that allow them to go deeper to heal some of their trauma. In this episode, Lynne and Dr. Joanne go deeper on the impacts trauma really has, how it shows up in addiction, and so much more.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Why did Lynne and Dr. Joanne start a trauma center?  [5:50] How do you define trauma?  [8:40] Our first relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world.  [10:40] Dr. Rob has seen a lot of trauma survivors who have taken on addiction as a way to cope with their past.  [11:40] One of the best defense mechanisms a child has is to numb themselves and disassociate from their feelings. [13:10] Children end up blaming themselves, instead of their parents. They feel like they’re responsible for ‘all the bad things’ happening to them.  [14:10] What type of therapists should trauma survivors be looking for?  [16:35] How can people heal their past when they don’t even remember?  [21:30] Whenever we are dealing with pain, it compounds because we use the past as a reference.  [27:20] We unconsciously match with other people who have similar attributes to our own dysfunctional families. [30:35] Lynne and Dr. Joanne talk about their book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook.  [33:10] If we have unprocessed trauma, we will unknowingly pass it on to our children.  [37:10] We all make mistakes and learning how to apologize, forgive, and recover from those mistakes is an important part of life.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Traumaandbeyondcenter.com Drjoannebarron.com Recoverypsychology.com Intergenerational Trauma Workbook by Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron   QUOTES: “So many clients suffer from developmental trauma and they don’t even know it, and there’s no place for them to go.” “Our earliest relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world. We develop a tolerance for [bad] behavior and see it as love.” “As you get older, the way you respond to life and the problems you have, are causing more and more pain.”

Marry Yourself First with Ken Donaldson

Ken Donaldson has been one of Tampa Bay's leading change specialists since 1987. With a 25 year background as a mental health and relationship counselor, he has a unique perspective in winning in the game of change. Ken's credentials include: Licensed mental health counselor; board certified as an addictions professional and clinical hypnotherapist; and certified as a master relationship coach. In this episode, Ken talks about his book, Marry Yourself First, and the proud change it can bring when you live by your purpose and values.     TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] Ken shares why he wrote the book, Marry Yourself First.  [8:15] How do you ‘marry’ yourself?  [14:30] What areas of your life do you currently feel disappointed in? [18:05] Sometimes we get frustrated because we unknowingly have expectations surrounding that situations and we’re leaving ourselves disappointed.  [21:20] Your reaction is a reflection of you, not a reflection of the person who is triggering you.  [25:40] Ken explains what the MVP and VIP acronyms stand for and how you can live within your values and purpose.  [31:20] How do you know what your priorities are when trying to maintain your values?  [34:55] What happens if you never really do find the partner of your dreams?  [39:00] You have to figure out your own drum beat and march to that beat.  [41:35] Ken has created a structure to help people find inner happiness.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Kendonaldson.com Marry Yourself First by Ken Donaldson QUOTES: “Usually frustration comes from an expectation.” “When you have a reaction to somebody else, go look in the mirror first.” “We go back to know, like, and trust yourself. Well, you said you knew yourself, but apparently you didn’t trust yourself because you broke your own rules, and by doing that, what does that say about liking yourself?”

How to Build Intimacy One Step at a Time After Betrayal

Alex Avila is a Master CSAT and the Founder and Director of Relationship Institute of the Rockies. He works with men, women, and couples on their sexual intimacy and helps them explore, and overcome, their trauma so that they can connect deeper and more emotionally in their relationships. Alex is also the author of, 40 Forms of Intimacy, in which he dives into how couples can strengthen their relationship through communication and understanding. Find out more on this week’s episode!   TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] How do you build intimacy while also recovering from addiction? [3:15] What is intimacy? Intimacy is sex! No, not so fast. [7:55] What does intimacy look like in the context of a romantic relationship? [9:30] Alex explains what attunement means and why addicts often struggle in this area. [11:00] How do you truly express appreciation for your partner? [16:00] If things get too heated, take a break. You’re responsible for half of the relationship, and you should be able to communicate that in a healthy way. [22:10] Build a ritual together, build a space in your home where it’s a safe space to air out some of your grievances. A safe space to communicate openly. [28:30] Remember, we are human. Sometimes when we express vulnerability, the other person can take it down a completely different road than where we wanted it to go. [34:25] If you’re not in a relationship, would you still benefit from Alex’s book? [37:00] Feel free to reach out to Alex for more information!   RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing Relationshipinstitute.org Alex on LinkedIn Alex on Twitter Grab Alex’s book: 40 Forms of Intimacy   QUOTES: “Sometimes we appreciate things, but we don’t turn those thoughts into words.” “When someone says something, it just triggers a thought and then we grab the conversation and take it in a whole different direction. That can be painful.” “In all these topics we’re talking about respect, safety, and being sensitive to each other.”

How could you love AND Cheat on me? — Part 2

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares part 2 of a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. When Dr. Rob was at the height of his addiction, he felt terrible all the time. He felt ashamed, he was suffering from depression, and he was wondering why. Despite this, he never wanted to pin his depression on his addictions. He was looking for every excuse in the book to not live a life of integrity. Addicts love to live in their own fantasy and will do everything they can, blame anyone they can, to keep that ruse up. Healthy people live in their reality and realize ‘Oops, that hurts me. I need to stop’, and they do! Dr. Rob talks about how to wake up and start living in reality again.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The breaking of trust is what destroys our spouses. [4:00] A healthy person recognizes their reality and changes their bad actions. Addicts blame reality because it means they can keep living in their fantasy and in their addiction. They choose to blame reality for their bad actions. [7:40] Addicts shift their focus to, “How can I keep doing what I’m doing and get away with it?” [8:10] At the height of Dr. Rob’s addiction, he wondered why he was so depressed all the time. It was because he was having sex with strangers who he had no connection with! [10:30] Dr. Rob realized he had been running away from home his whole life. Yet home was what he deeply wanted! [13:00] Let’s talk about plate spinning. [13:55] We live in our own lies. [18:00] How do addicts compartmentalize their lives so well? [19:50] What is the true path to happiness? [23:25] Dr. Rob answers a listener's question about compartmentalization. [25:25] Dr. Rob answers another question. “I feel like being real with my spouse is hurting more than helping.”   RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing   QUOTES: “We make bad decisions because we’re not facing our choices in reality.” “Reality wins. It will eventually catch up to you.” “We are more vulnerable than most men. We think we’re stronger, but we’re not. We run away from our reality.”

How could you love AND Cheat on me? - Part 1

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. As addicts, we become so disintegrated in our everyday lives. We do not believe our loved ones when they say they love us. We do everything in our power to push love away because we feel we do not deserve it. There’s a lot of internal shame that we face. Dr. Rob talks about how you can begin to live a life of integrity and value, and connection with your loved ones. It is possible! You just have got to take it step by step.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What Rob is about to talk about is not therapy. It’s supplemental therapy.  [3:55] Rob started doing this work when he was 26 years old.  [4:55] Get a piece of pen and paper folks. You’ll be writing some notes down! [5:25] DENIAL: Don’t Even Know I Am Lying.  [7:15] Here’s why denial is powerful to our survival.  [12:25] Why is the word ‘integrity' so important?  [13:40] In our addictions, we are disintegrated.  [14:00] Addicts already have low-self esteem and hold a lot of shame.  [14:50] What is the definition of intimacy? It’s not sex.  [16:10] What breaks your partner’s heart is that they can’t trust you anymore.  [20:10] Of course your spouse would be the last to know! They love you! They trust you! And now that trust is broken.  [22:10] Spouses are looking through your phone to find that they can trust you again.  [23:35] Rob wants you to write out the words ‘Addict’ and ‘Healthy Person’. [26:25] Healthy people choose reality. Addicts choose to live in fantasy.  [28:40] You’re living in denial if you believe that your actions won’t affect others.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing   QUOTES: “Disintegration allows us to do what we want to do, but it keeps any real love away.” “Intimacy is being known fully by people who love you. Letting yourself be known with no secrets.” “He’s being honest. That has a profound meaning for the partner even if you don’t have your stuff together.”

Rebuilding Your Life After Betrayal with Kelly Ibarra

Kelly Ibarra is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) who specializes in Sexual Addiction and complex partner betrayal trauma. Kelly is the author of Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven: A memoir about rebuilding after complex sexual betrayal. She is also a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and is trained in Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR (SAFE). In this week’s episode, Kelly talks about why she wrote her book and how she helps people who have been in her position of deep emotional hurt that was comfortable to tolerate.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Why did Kelly write her book, Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven? [4:25] Kelly, unfortunately, has had first-hand experience on what it’s like to love a partner that acts out. [7:00] When Kelly met her husband, he had been acting out for at least 20 years. [9:00] Kelly shares a little bit about her relationship with her husband and how she began to find out that he had an addiction. [13:00] When Kelly found out the extent of the addiction, her husband asked to ‘call her back because he was with friends’. The lack of attunement is very real for a lot of people with trauma. [14:35] It took years for Kelly’s husband to walk into a counselor's office. [15:55] Why did Kelly stay in the relationship for so long? [20:00] Because of Kelly’s own traumas, she was deeply attracted to her husband’s behaviors because they made sense to her. The more ‘stable’ guys were seen as a novelty and it scared her away. [22:55] How did Kelly recover from this? [25:35] What makes a partner heal from betrayal? [29:05] Partners in recovery are learning to dance for the very first time. [34:00] What are primary and secondary emotions? [37:45] How has this trauma affected Kelly’s children? [42:40] No matter how bad things really are, your children have to be the primary focus. [46:40] After a betrayal, how can you be intimate again?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kelly: LinkedIn & Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven.  Email Kelly: KIbarra@CPCounsel.net   QUOTES: “When it eventually got to a place where he’s like, “I have a problem.” It didn't mean he was ready to suit up and jump out of the plane.” “No matter what we’ve been through, a lot of things that happened to us as kids affect the way we see relationships and experiences as adults.” “I stayed because I felt like no one else would love me, nobody would accept me.”