Sex, Love, and Addiction

When You Put in the Work, You Will See the Benefits

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how betrayed spouses can take care of themselves, especially if their addict is not showing up in a way that they need to. They also answer a question from an emotional man, who has been in recovery for the last two years, and use it as a showcase on why recovery really does work when you put in the work. When you commit 100%, you will see the results.    TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My SA husband never wants to have sex. What gives? [6:10] As a betrayed partner, you need to do self-healing work. Your partner has lied to you for over 2 decades.  [7:20] It’s common for addicts to gaslight you and confuse you whenever you stand up for yourself.   [10:25] My betrayed spouse doesn’t seem as invested in this recovery journey as I am. I am trying my best, what can I do?  [13:10] I’m interested in taking the Out of the Doghouse course. When does it start? [15:50] I’ve been in recovery for two years. I’m more emotional than ever, and my wife thinks this is strange. How can I help her understand what’s happening?  [20:30] ADHD and addiction? Is there a connection?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Part 2 - Healing Work, Healing Home, Healing Me with Doug Tieman

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. In part 2 of this episode, Doug shares his own recovery journey and why his wife continued to stay by his side despite the bad reputation and betrayal he caused in active addiction. Doug and Dr. Rob also share when to seek out help if you’re struggling with a substance problem.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Why did Doug’s wife stay by his side?  [2:10] This is an illness.  [2:55] As a way to repair the relationship, Doug started dating his wife again.  [5:20] Doug felt so much guilt that he had failed his family. He decided to put 100% on his recovery, even if it meant working 14 hours on this to do so.  [7:45] How could Doug love his wife and at the same time act out and be a sex & love addict?  [9:10] Doug has a book out, Flying Over the Pigpen. What’s it about?  [14:00] How do you find a good treatment facility?  [16:00] What kind of questions should you be asking before you enter into a treatment facility?  [17:25] What are the signs you need help? [19:10] With addiction, it only escalates.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn Flying Over the Pigpen by Doug Tieman   QUOTES: “For anyone who suffers from an addiction, that is our first and foremost love affair. We are incapable of having a lasting, meaningful relationship.” “I was incapable of a true loving relationship with my wife even though I wanted to because of my substance use and my sex and love addiction.” “I always loved my wife, but I was incapable of showing it in a true and meaningful way until I got into recovery.” “In addiction, you draw the line and then you redraw it because you cross it. When that happens, get help.” 

Part 1 - Healing Work, Healing Home, Healing Me with Doug Tieman

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. Over the last 4 decades, Doug has seen the way professional's and the public’s perception of addiction has changed. In this episode, Doug shares what massive improvements we’ve undergone over the years and what the mental health industry has been doing to deliver better quality results to its patients.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Doug Tieman and his career. [3:20] As someone who’s been in the treatment and recovery space for 40 years, what has changed over the decades?  [4:00] Back then, anyone who was seen as an ‘addict’ had a willpower issue.  [6:00] In the 80s, you would have been kicked out of a treatment center for exercising.  [8:40] Sometimes, you would put people on the ‘hot seat’, where you almost tore into them as a form of tough love. However, we now know that’s one of the worst things you can do to someone with trauma.  [12:15] Why is addiction considered a mental health problem?  [16:40] Unfortunately, if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.  [17:00] What are some of the known problems about the mental health industry and its ability to treat people?  [19:20] Doug is in recovery himself. Despite being in the field for a long time, in 2008, he got his first DUI and realized he had a problem.  [25:30] As Doug found his recovery later in life, does he feel compelled to make up for ‘lost time’ in his adult children’s lives?  [28:50] Doug’s DUI made page six of the New York Post. The information was out there. Doug had to make a decision to communicate his struggles to his children. [30:45] There’s so much good that can come from being in recovery. He has no more secrets.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn QUOTES: “When I started this work in the 80s, substance abuse treatment was a real mystery for most people.” “Even when we didn’t have the medical or scientific information that we would have today, treatment facilitators did their best. We believed in loving people back to health.” “This is an evolving field. We now know more about addiction as a brain chemistry and we’re unlocking new mysteries of the brain all the time.” “Individuals who suffer from mental health typically abuse substances. People who abuse substances typically have a mental health [condition] that goes along with it.” 

Betrayal, Hurt, and Anger: You Can Let It Go

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Florida State Qualified Supervisor for those seeking a license in Mental Health Counseling or Marriage and Family Therapy.  In addition, she is also a Certified Professional Life Coach.  Being a Therapist and a Life Coach gives her the unique ability to help clients heal from the past and live their best life today. In this episode, Dr. Crystal discusses what happens when a betrayed partner feels so angry and can’t seem to forgive. Is there ever a way out of this hurt? The answer is yes. Listen in for more.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Crystal. [2:50] When someone has been deeply betrayed/hurt, how does anger show up?  [6:00] Anger and pain shows up at different times.  [10:00] Despite all the pain, you have to take responsibility for when you are upset.  [12:50] Dr. Crystal shares her lego principal.  [15:45] What happens in the brain when someone gets better from depression?  [16:55] What is abusive behavior? [19:50] What happens if you want to let go of your anger but you’re nowhere near forgiveness?  [25:45] You don’t need to let go of the anger, you just need to process it.  [27:45] If you’ve been betrayed, please consider therapy.  [33:10]  What do you do if your family members get angry for you?  [37:05] Dr. Crystal likes to use the CBT Therapy method to help her clients through their pain.  [40:45] Does betrayal affect same-sex couples differently?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Crystalhollenbeck.com QUOTES: “It’s normal to be angry, but you can’t hurt yourself for somebody else when you are angry.” “Sometimes anger can be very non-productive.” “No matter how much you’ve hurt him back, it’s not going to make him understand how much he’s hurt you.” “Forgiving doesn’t have to mean forgetting.”

Part 2 - How to Get Over Betrayal and Cheating

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman's mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. In a continuation of last week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares whether it’s possible to recover from infidelity, whether a partner should stay in a relationship with an addict, and how you restore trust again in a relationship after cheating.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] Codependency doesn’t actually exist. Dr. Rob explains why.  [3:10] When your partner is snooping through your stuff. They’re look for reasons to stay with you!  [7:35] Can couples recover from infidelity?  [14:25] Every partner feels like it’s their fault for not being able to keep their cheating partner in the home.  [14:55] So many people will say, ‘if only you had more sex with them, they wouldn’t cheat.’ That’s a lie! Spouses are shamed on and they have very little support.  [17:20] Crazy is your new normal!  [22:25] Your spouse has lost their best friend.  [23:15] Should a betrayed spouse stay or should they go?  [31:05] What is disclosure?  [41:10] Empathy is how you heal deep relationship wounds with your partner.  [41:45] How do you restore trust in a relationship?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “All your betrayed partner is looking for is reality, is for clarity.” “When a partner of 30 years hears that you’ve been cheating for 25 years. It’s not going to go well.” “Why would you have sex with a sex addict if you don’t trust them?” “The truth is, the more they know, the less it will hurt. What your betrayed spouse wants is honesty!”

Part 1 - How to Get Over Betrayal and Cheating

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman’s mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. Dr. Rob uses a clip from Fatal Attraction to show an example of how a cheating partner tries to manipulate their partner, who is in pain, about the betrayal. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains what intimacy really is and what happens when your needs are not being met.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:20] Men and women are different. Men have the ability to separate sex from intimacy.  [3:55] How do you define cheating in the digital age? [5:15] Dr. Rob plays a clip from Fatal Attraction to best explain cheating. [9:45] When you ask for forgiveness, you take the focus off of the person in grief and put it back on you. It appears very selfish and manipulative in the moment.  [12:45] How many times have you believed that your cheating wasn’t your fault?  [14:55] Why doesn’t he just come home and help with some of the household chores? [16:20] So many of us confuse intensity with intimacy. That is not intimacy. [19:50] Men who have cheated expect to be forgiven right away, but a woman doesn’t work that way. [25:15] What do men need to do to gain back their partner’s trust? [29:45] Remember, when it’s all about you, that’s not empathy.  [32:30] Women who have experienced cheating betrayal feel guilty and shameful that they allowed this to happen. They feel like they should have done more to keep their man from straying. Dr. Rob explains deeper.  [37:00] Why is she so upset about every little detail happening? [40:15] Your female partner has been victimized by you. You are responsible for the consequences.  [42:45] Stay tuned for part 2!   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “No man I’ve ever met understands how to heal cheating in a woman.” “Men will respond differently to betrayal, but betrayal is still betrayal.” “When you ask someone for forgiveness, what you’re doing is asking them to take the focus off of themselves and put them on you.” “Our home is the foundation and when you’re saying work is more important, forget about the sex, we’re sitting here actually saying, ‘you don’t matter.’” 

Part 2 - How Do You Become a Sex Addict?

Dr. Rob continues his solo episode to further discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Dr. Rob is passionate about reducing the shame and stigma of sex addiction and offers an explanation as to where sex addiction might stem from. It is possible to find inner peace in your recovery journey, but you have to put in the work to reap any reward.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Dr. Rob explains what healthy love looks like in small children.  [5:20] Can children under 4 be depressed?  [6:10] What does ‘feeling loved’ really feel like?  [7:10] Even when you get genuine connection and love, you still feel like you don’t deserve it.  [12:00] Because no one was taking care of us emotionally, addicts find a way to fill in the blanks.  [18:00] How do you get your needs met as an adult? [20:15] It’s okay to be needy! [24:50] Addicts are so used to being shamed for having minimal emotional needs.  [29:10] Addicts would rather eat dirt than to ask for help.  [32:20] Dr. Rob shares a powerful story about him asking for what he needed.  [35:55] Dr. Rob felt so much shame for even having to ask for help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “A child should be the center of the universe. They need narcissism. Narcissism at 4 is a really good thing, narcissism at 44 is not such a good thing.” “You’re not children anymore, but you still need food. Well, guess what, you can’t survive without love as adults either.” “Us addicts have replaced our need for love with our need for intensity.” “The addict helped us survive.” 

Part 1 - How Do You Become a Sex Addict?

Dr. Rob does a solo episode to discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Things like, how someone becomes a sex addict in the first place, why shame plays an integrated role in addiction, and how to re-learn to ask for your basic needs in adulthood. Recovery is hard, but it’s possible. Dr. Rob hopes this episode opens your eyes and shows you that you’re not a bad person.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How does someone become a sex addict? [2:45] Treatment is about three things: 1. Learning how to not do this. 2. Learning about addiction. 3. Learning about yourself. [4:15] Shame prevents you from asking what you truly need for yourself.  [6:15] Addicts often grew up learning that no one was going to meet your basic needs, so why even bother asking?  [10:45] Young children don’t understand what’s going on in an adult world and often blame themselves for any wrong doings.   [14:15] What actually happens in a healthy family?  [19:10] Addicts walk around adulthood feeling empty looking for people to meet their needs, only to be disappointed.  [23:00] Your feelings naturally get pushed in the way, way back. This is why you act out!  [24:20] Your emotions are just information indicators that there’s something wrong.  [29:35] We learned a long time ago that our needs hurt other people. Of course, as an adult, this is not true! [30:15] So many people in recovery don’t even realize what it is they need emotionally. This is a learned process and it takes time to learn.     RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “We’re not bad people, we’re broken people.” “Many of us grew up knowing that it didn’t matter what we needed because nobody was going to meet those needs.” “Shame is the felt experience of being defective that is brought about by early emotional disorders.” “Your emotions are just information that [you might be having a bad day].”

Part 2 - Porn Addiction 101: The Problem with Scott Brassart

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for over 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott continue their conversations about porn addiction and offer insights on what steps you need to take to heal from porn addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Why is my spouse so unhappy about my porn use?  [3:50] Can porn use escalate the same way alcohol addiction escalated?  [7:25] Porn addicts will start out looking at vanilla porn, and then the intensity keeps getting turned up to get their fix.  [11:15] The brain ends up turning down the dopamine on our entire life. The addict suddenly needs more intensity, more dopamine, more of a rush.  [16:00] Clients who are withdrawing often feel very lonely and very sad. Why is that?  [18:35] How can you change the behavior?  [19:45] It’s important to define what addiction looks like, and also what sobriety can look like.  [20:25] Sex addiction is treated a lot like an eating disorder. We can’t quit eating altogether.  [24:25] What does healthy intimacy actually look like?  [24:40] Addiction feels great but it’s a one-trick pony. [27:45] If we open the door slightly, your addiction will come back. [29:05] Remember, there is no cure for addiction. You need to keep up daily maintenance to be sober. [32:45] Want additional support? Reach out to Seeking Integrity for more free resources!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity   QUOTES: “Escalation is characteristic to all addictions. We build up tolerance. Porn gives us a sense of pleasure.” “Tolerance comes when the brain turns up the dopamine. Porn addicts end up going places that violate their values. They uncover [unwanted] elements of an arousal template.” “No more porn, but that does not mean no more sex. We treat sex addiction like an eating disorder.” “Ultimately, the goal of addiction recovery is to identify the behavior, stop it, break through denial, work on the underlying issues, and to live a better life.”

Part 1 - Porn Addiction 101: The Problem with Scott Brassart

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for more than 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott sit down to discuss porn addiction, the definition of porn, and how anybody, no matter their class, can be subjected to porn addiction. Addiction is a mental health issue. It’s an indicator that people are unable to go to someone for help, or comfort, and that’s why they seek external ways to cope and escape.    TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] How do you define porn in the digital age? [5:30] Is ‘OnlyFans’ considered porn?  [9:10] If you’re using something for the purposes of arousal, even if it’s not ‘porn’, then it is still classified as pornography. [11:10] What’s the difference between casual porn use vs. you having a problem?  [13:55] It’s not about how much porn you look at, it’s about what it does to your life.  [18:25] At some point, you lose control over the behavior. There are casual users, there are at-risk users, and then there are addicts. Scott explains the difference.  [24:20] Porn addicts know, deep down, they have a problem.  [25:45] Porn is not an age thing or a socioeconomic thing. These are real people of all ages, and demographics, struggling with loneliness.  [27:20] Porn has gotten more advanced. You can now build a sexual connection with another person with a computer/cellphone.  [30:15] What is the appeal of pornography?  [33:15] If you’re looking at porn, chances are you’re also looking at victims of sex trafficking.  [37:15] Look forward to part 2 of this episode coming soon!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity QUOTES: “Porn is imagery or written text that we use to get aroused. Sex addicts and porn addicts not only use it for purposes of arousal but purposes of escape.” “For porn addicts, it’s easy to rationalize Game of Thrones or cruising Instagram or OnlyFans. Technically you’re still sober from your porn addiction, and my answer is not so much.” “Addicts are people who are really, really hooked. Life is going good, they’re using porn. Life is going bad, they’re using porn. The sun is up, they’re using porn. The sun is down, they’re using porn. That’s an addict.” “As addicts, we’re afraid to be vulnerable. We’re afraid of rejection. We’re afraid that if we know the real us, you’ll run screaming.”