Sex, Love, and Addiction

Part 1 - How to Get Over Betrayal and Cheating

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman’s mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. Dr. Rob uses a clip from Fatal Attraction to show an example of how a cheating partner tries to manipulate their partner, who is in pain, about the betrayal. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains what intimacy really is and what happens when your needs are not being met.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:20] Men and women are different. Men have the ability to separate sex from intimacy.  [3:55] How do you define cheating in the digital age? [5:15] Dr. Rob plays a clip from Fatal Attraction to best explain cheating. [9:45] When you ask for forgiveness, you take the focus off of the person in grief and put it back on you. It appears very selfish and manipulative in the moment.  [12:45] How many times have you believed that your cheating wasn’t your fault?  [14:55] Why doesn’t he just come home and help with some of the household chores? [16:20] So many of us confuse intensity with intimacy. That is not intimacy. [19:50] Men who have cheated expect to be forgiven right away, but a woman doesn’t work that way. [25:15] What do men need to do to gain back their partner’s trust? [29:45] Remember, when it’s all about you, that’s not empathy.  [32:30] Women who have experienced cheating betrayal feel guilty and shameful that they allowed this to happen. They feel like they should have done more to keep their man from straying. Dr. Rob explains deeper.  [37:00] Why is she so upset about every little detail happening? [40:15] Your female partner has been victimized by you. You are responsible for the consequences.  [42:45] Stay tuned for part 2!   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “No man I’ve ever met understands how to heal cheating in a woman.” “Men will respond differently to betrayal, but betrayal is still betrayal.” “When you ask someone for forgiveness, what you’re doing is asking them to take the focus off of themselves and put them on you.” “Our home is the foundation and when you’re saying work is more important, forget about the sex, we’re sitting here actually saying, ‘you don’t matter.’” 

Part 2 - How Do You Become a Sex Addict?

Dr. Rob continues his solo episode to further discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Dr. Rob is passionate about reducing the shame and stigma of sex addiction and offers an explanation as to where sex addiction might stem from. It is possible to find inner peace in your recovery journey, but you have to put in the work to reap any reward.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Dr. Rob explains what healthy love looks like in small children.  [5:20] Can children under 4 be depressed?  [6:10] What does ‘feeling loved’ really feel like?  [7:10] Even when you get genuine connection and love, you still feel like you don’t deserve it.  [12:00] Because no one was taking care of us emotionally, addicts find a way to fill in the blanks.  [18:00] How do you get your needs met as an adult? [20:15] It’s okay to be needy! [24:50] Addicts are so used to being shamed for having minimal emotional needs.  [29:10] Addicts would rather eat dirt than to ask for help.  [32:20] Dr. Rob shares a powerful story about him asking for what he needed.  [35:55] Dr. Rob felt so much shame for even having to ask for help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “A child should be the center of the universe. They need narcissism. Narcissism at 4 is a really good thing, narcissism at 44 is not such a good thing.” “You’re not children anymore, but you still need food. Well, guess what, you can’t survive without love as adults either.” “Us addicts have replaced our need for love with our need for intensity.” “The addict helped us survive.” 

Part 1 - How Do You Become a Sex Addict?

Dr. Rob does a solo episode to discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Things like, how someone becomes a sex addict in the first place, why shame plays an integrated role in addiction, and how to re-learn to ask for your basic needs in adulthood. Recovery is hard, but it’s possible. Dr. Rob hopes this episode opens your eyes and shows you that you’re not a bad person.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How does someone become a sex addict? [2:45] Treatment is about three things: 1. Learning how to not do this. 2. Learning about addiction. 3. Learning about yourself. [4:15] Shame prevents you from asking what you truly need for yourself.  [6:15] Addicts often grew up learning that no one was going to meet your basic needs, so why even bother asking?  [10:45] Young children don’t understand what’s going on in an adult world and often blame themselves for any wrong doings.   [14:15] What actually happens in a healthy family?  [19:10] Addicts walk around adulthood feeling empty looking for people to meet their needs, only to be disappointed.  [23:00] Your feelings naturally get pushed in the way, way back. This is why you act out!  [24:20] Your emotions are just information indicators that there’s something wrong.  [29:35] We learned a long time ago that our needs hurt other people. Of course, as an adult, this is not true! [30:15] So many people in recovery don’t even realize what it is they need emotionally. This is a learned process and it takes time to learn.     RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “We’re not bad people, we’re broken people.” “Many of us grew up knowing that it didn’t matter what we needed because nobody was going to meet those needs.” “Shame is the felt experience of being defective that is brought about by early emotional disorders.” “Your emotions are just information that [you might be having a bad day].”

Part 2 - Porn Addiction 101: The Problem with Scott Brassart

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for over 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott continue their conversations about porn addiction and offer insights on what steps you need to take to heal from porn addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Why is my spouse so unhappy about my porn use?  [3:50] Can porn use escalate the same way alcohol addiction escalated?  [7:25] Porn addicts will start out looking at vanilla porn, and then the intensity keeps getting turned up to get their fix.  [11:15] The brain ends up turning down the dopamine on our entire life. The addict suddenly needs more intensity, more dopamine, more of a rush.  [16:00] Clients who are withdrawing often feel very lonely and very sad. Why is that?  [18:35] How can you change the behavior?  [19:45] It’s important to define what addiction looks like, and also what sobriety can look like.  [20:25] Sex addiction is treated a lot like an eating disorder. We can’t quit eating altogether.  [24:25] What does healthy intimacy actually look like?  [24:40] Addiction feels great but it’s a one-trick pony. [27:45] If we open the door slightly, your addiction will come back. [29:05] Remember, there is no cure for addiction. You need to keep up daily maintenance to be sober. [32:45] Want additional support? Reach out to Seeking Integrity for more free resources!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity   QUOTES: “Escalation is characteristic to all addictions. We build up tolerance. Porn gives us a sense of pleasure.” “Tolerance comes when the brain turns up the dopamine. Porn addicts end up going places that violate their values. They uncover [unwanted] elements of an arousal template.” “No more porn, but that does not mean no more sex. We treat sex addiction like an eating disorder.” “Ultimately, the goal of addiction recovery is to identify the behavior, stop it, break through denial, work on the underlying issues, and to live a better life.”

Part 1 - Porn Addiction 101: The Problem with Scott Brassart

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for more than 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott sit down to discuss porn addiction, the definition of porn, and how anybody, no matter their class, can be subjected to porn addiction. Addiction is a mental health issue. It’s an indicator that people are unable to go to someone for help, or comfort, and that’s why they seek external ways to cope and escape.    TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] How do you define porn in the digital age? [5:30] Is ‘OnlyFans’ considered porn?  [9:10] If you’re using something for the purposes of arousal, even if it’s not ‘porn’, then it is still classified as pornography. [11:10] What’s the difference between casual porn use vs. you having a problem?  [13:55] It’s not about how much porn you look at, it’s about what it does to your life.  [18:25] At some point, you lose control over the behavior. There are casual users, there are at-risk users, and then there are addicts. Scott explains the difference.  [24:20] Porn addicts know, deep down, they have a problem.  [25:45] Porn is not an age thing or a socioeconomic thing. These are real people of all ages, and demographics, struggling with loneliness.  [27:20] Porn has gotten more advanced. You can now build a sexual connection with another person with a computer/cellphone.  [30:15] What is the appeal of pornography?  [33:15] If you’re looking at porn, chances are you’re also looking at victims of sex trafficking.  [37:15] Look forward to part 2 of this episode coming soon!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity QUOTES: “Porn is imagery or written text that we use to get aroused. Sex addicts and porn addicts not only use it for purposes of arousal but purposes of escape.” “For porn addicts, it’s easy to rationalize Game of Thrones or cruising Instagram or OnlyFans. Technically you’re still sober from your porn addiction, and my answer is not so much.” “Addicts are people who are really, really hooked. Life is going good, they’re using porn. Life is going bad, they’re using porn. The sun is up, they’re using porn. The sun is down, they’re using porn. That’s an addict.” “As addicts, we’re afraid to be vulnerable. We’re afraid of rejection. We’re afraid that if we know the real us, you’ll run screaming.”

Addicts are Emotionally Undeveloped Adults with Dr. Eddie Capparuccii - Part 2

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Dr. Eddie Capparucciis, the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors, to talk about common blind spots someone in recovery might have. When addicts are in their addiction, they can exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies, which can make it difficult to connect with others and see their perspectives.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Addicts have a hard time seeing their own blindspots. What should they be aware of?  [2:40] Curiosity of people is an important way to connect with others. Addicts can lack this curiosity.  [3:35] Addicts can be hypersensitive to rejection and criticism.  [5:00] People learn how to love from their caregivers.  [6:20] In a lot of ways, addicts have been emotionally neglected. [8:50] In recovery, we have the opportunity to break the cycle.  [10:20] You break the cycle by being emotionally present.  [12:45] Emotionally unavailable people tend to be ‘do-ers’, they try to fix the problem by finding a solution, instead of being present with their emotions.  [16:10] As long as you’re oblivious to the pain you’ve been through, you will also be oblivious to the pain you’re causing others.  [18:35] How do you work through your issues if you can’t afford therapy?  [21:40] Dr. Eddie talks about the current work and programs he’s a part of to help others. [24:15] Don’t have the financial resources to go to therapy? Dr. Eddie can help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn Strugglingmen.org   QUOTES: “Anyone who has struggled with addiction has some strong narcissistic tendencies.” “Your kids are watching everything. Whether they’re 4 or 14. That’s one of the ways we don’t get an understanding of what we need.” “It’s never too late to start making changes.” “Even in the most troubled families, they are oblivious, even if they don’t mean to be.”

Addicts are Emotionally Undeveloped Adults with Dr. Eddie Capparuccii - Part 1

Dr. Eddie Capparucciis the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors. He believes at the heart of most Problematic Sexual Behaviors are unresolved childhood pain points. Dr. Eddie specializes in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors including pornography. Among his many clients, they have been professional athletes including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. In this episode, Dr. Eddie explains why sex addicts are really emotionally undeveloped adults, and how they can break old patterns and build intimacy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little bit about Dr. Eddie Capparucci. [3:20] Trauma plays a major part in addiction.  [5:10] Sex addiction goes further than just sex. Men with this issue are emotionally undeveloped.  [6:10] Addicts aren’t bad people, they’re broken people.  [6:20] Are therapists just making bad excuses for an addict's poor behavior?  [9:10] My addict is sober, but they’re still a jerk. What’s going on?  [11:25] What do you call someone who cheats? Are they considered ill?  [15:00] Addicts are used to running away from their pain and they will take whatever distraction presents itself.  [16:55] How can you help an addict take accountability?  [17:50] Someone struggling with addiction needs to begin to think about their legacy and to tap into a bigger purpose.   [20:00] What happens if someone is just not motivated to get better?  [22:45] Dr. Eddie shares how he works with betrayed spouses who feel unlistened to.  [25:50] Emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy. What’s the difference?  [28:15] So many people aren’t taught what emotional intimacy is. [30:40] Dr. Eddie understands he has an avoidant attachment style. But, by understanding his childhood, this makes perfect sense!  [32:30] At the end of the day, Dr. Rob and Dr. Eddie are here to help people break patterns and build intimacy.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn   QUOTES: “What do I get? I get very frightened and scared people who can’t sit with pain and have found a coping mechanism of escaping.” “The addiction isn’t the only piece. It’s the whole presentation that you’ve been giving to the world.” “People who deal with addiction do not know how to sit with emotional discomfort or distress.” “I can tell you all the ways I’m a jerk, but learning how to be different is more of a commitment.”

Ambushed by Betrayal - The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners

In today’s episode, Dr. Rob talks with Michele Saffier and Allan Katz about their book, Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on Their Heroes' Journey to Healthy Intimacy, which was written after the two met in a psycho trauma workshop. Michele has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1993. She was trained with Dr. Rob in the field of Sexual Addiction and went on to private practice and began using the trauma model after three years. Allan is a licensed Professional Counselor (LPC/MHSP) in the states of Tennessee and Mississippi and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. With over 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur and marketing consultant, he, later on, shifted to become a professional therapist to help others in the field of sex addiction. They share how their book can help betrayed partners heal from their trauma and learn healthy intimacy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little introduction of Michelle and how Dr. Rob knows her. [3:15] Michelle didn’t work in the field of addiction before and recalls the young couple she worked with that inspired her journey. [4:25] A little bit about Allan as well and how he became a therapist. [6:50] Michelle sees herself as a trauma therapist. She explains why. [8:40] How does Allan work with the spouses to empathize with their addict partners who don't see it from a trauma perspective? [11:00] Allan shares how he transitioned from helping people non-professionally and the difference with being a professional therapist. [13:00] Michelle recommends partners to watch comedy shows and shares how this helps their recovery. [14:20] Betrayed partners take on the personal responsibility of causing their addict partner to act out. Allan shares his thoughts on this. [16:50] Michelle sees from the betrayed partner an attachment trauma and explains why.  [18:30] How does Michelle help a spouse learn that empathy may not be forthcoming? [21:25] Dr. Rob asks Michelle and Allan about the book they wrote called, Ambush By Betrayal. How did they come up with the title? [23:35] Dr. Rob shares the subtitle of their book and asks how their hero’s journey evolved. [24:45] Michelle realized that in the same spirit of prodependency, they want their readers to be empowered. She shares how there can be beauty in this broken life. [25:50] Michelle and Allan met in a psycho trauma workshop. Allan shares what psycho trauma is and how that relates to their book. [30:00] What they want to achieve with their book is to provide a release from all the hurt, pain, and unworthiness and physically do something with it. Michelle talks through this process further. [33:20] For the betrayed person, anger is the only way they can protect their heart from their perpetrator. Michelle shares how they can help them see the wounded person underneath.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Ambush By Betrayal by Michele Saffier and Allan Katz Allanjkatz.com Traumahealingpa.com   QUOTES: “The behavior is the behavior but really, they’re these little wounded boys and girls trying to survive.” “If you’ve been in a good relationship, then there’s obviously another reason why somebody would do these things and go off and be with somebody else or look at pornography or whatever. I’m not condoning it or saying it’s right; it was a choice but there is such a thing as addiction and that’s what we have to look at.” “You’ve got to be empathic rather than defensive because the main thing your spouse or partner wants to know is that you really do understand what you’ve put her through.” “The primary attachment is the person that has my back, my beloved and the one that wherever I am in the world, is my home.”

Eight Steps Toward Restoring Love, Sex and Intimacy with Dr. Janis Rozler

Dr. Janis Roszler is a licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified sex therapist, registered/licensed dietitian, master-level addiction professional (MCAP), and award-winning medical media producer. She is currently an instructor at the International Institute of Clinical Sexology and has a private therapy practice in Miami, Florida. In this episode, she talks about intimacy more than just being sexual. She shares seven different types of intimacy that don’t necessarily lead into the bedroom and the value of taking time off from being sexual with your partner.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] A little bit about Dr. Janice and where she and Dr. Rob got connected. [3:35] Intimacy is not only sexual. Dr. Janice talks about the other seven types of intimacy. [5:40] How can affection be different from the affection you have for a friend?  [7:25] Dr. Janice also shares what physical activities partners can do together that are not sexual. [10:45] What is spiritual connection? [11:30] Dr. Rob shares what intellectual connection means for him and his husband.  [12:25] Another way to connect is social. Dr. Janice explains further. [13:20] Emotional connection is when you share your feelings about something. Dr. Janice talks about “I” statements when sharing your feelings. [16:05] These other areas of intimacy can help you grow your sex life. Dr. Janice explains how. [19:20] Can people with differences come together in a passionate way without disagreement?  [23:20] Relationships are not magic. Dr. Janice shares the ups and downs of her 40-year marriage. [26:15] Sensuality vs sexuality. Dr. Janice tells the difference.  [29:45] How do you get to sex by not having sex? Dr. Janice talks about the value of couples not being sexual for a period of time. [30:33] Addiction vs yearning. How do you differentiate the two? [35:33] Dr. Janice summarizes the eight types of intimacy and how to use them to connect with your partner.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dearjanis.com Dr. Janis’ Books   QUOTES: “Intimacy is not only sexual.” “We’re talking about building the wealth of friendship, not just sexual partners. But we hope that the person you are involved with is also a friend with whom you have a deep connection with.” “Esthetic connection means that you view something of beauty together. You experience it at the same time.” “You’re not blaming, you’re not saying ‘Look what you did’, you’re just sharing your feelings. And the thing with feelings is that they are never wrong.”

What Is Trauma, Really? And How Is It Related to Addiction?

Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron are both the Founders of Trauma and Beyond Center, based in Los Angeles. They provide outpatient trauma programs for trauma, mental health, and co-existing disorders. They have written a book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook, to help people ask reflective questions that allow them to go deeper to heal some of their trauma. In this episode, Lynne and Dr. Joanne go deeper on the impacts trauma really has, how it shows up in addiction, and so much more.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Why did Lynne and Dr. Joanne start a trauma center?  [5:50] How do you define trauma?  [8:40] Our first relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world.  [10:40] Dr. Rob has seen a lot of trauma survivors who have taken on addiction as a way to cope with their past.  [11:40] One of the best defense mechanisms a child has is to numb themselves and disassociate from their feelings. [13:10] Children end up blaming themselves, instead of their parents. They feel like they’re responsible for ‘all the bad things’ happening to them.  [14:10] What type of therapists should trauma survivors be looking for?  [16:35] How can people heal their past when they don’t even remember?  [21:30] Whenever we are dealing with pain, it compounds because we use the past as a reference.  [27:20] We unconsciously match with other people who have similar attributes to our own dysfunctional families. [30:35] Lynne and Dr. Joanne talk about their book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook.  [33:10] If we have unprocessed trauma, we will unknowingly pass it on to our children.  [37:10] We all make mistakes and learning how to apologize, forgive, and recover from those mistakes is an important part of life.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Traumaandbeyondcenter.com Drjoannebarron.com Recoverypsychology.com Intergenerational Trauma Workbook by Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron   QUOTES: “So many clients suffer from developmental trauma and they don’t even know it, and there’s no place for them to go.” “Our earliest relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world. We develop a tolerance for [bad] behavior and see it as love.” “As you get older, the way you respond to life and the problems you have, are causing more and more pain.”