Sex, Love, and Addiction

Part 2: Dr. Jessica Higgins: How Do You Learn to Forgive?

Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology and today she continues her discussion around forgiveness in part two of this episode. Dr. Rob and Dr. Jessica talk about why expressing vulnerability is not a weakness but an opening to a better relationship future, how to recover after a conflict and speak your peace, and why emotional unavailability and lack of connection tend to be more painful than the actual act of cheating in itself.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] It is possible to communicate healthy agreements on what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. [3:30] Sometimes therapists assume or expect that the betrayed spouse will know how to react or talk to their spouse who is struggling with addiction.  [7:10] Instead of complaining to your spouse right away, there are benefits to journaling or writing down your thoughts about what their actions meant to you and how you perceived it.  [9:10] If we share vulnerability, your partner is more likely going to respond positively to that than if you were to act aggressively or accusatory.  [11:30] After reading hundreds of letters from betrayed spouses, it was never the cheating that hurt them the most. It was the emotional unavailability.  [14:30] You can show up in little ways and it will begin you on the path of having your betrayed partner feel valued again.  [18:20] The most important part to relationships is how you repair after a conflict or mistake.  [22:20] What are some indicators that a relationship is completely done?  [25:30] Interested in working with Dr. Jessica? Link to her website is in the show notes.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjessicahiggins.com Shifting Criticism guide Empowered Relationship Podcast link Dr. Jessica Higgins Website QUOTES: “There’s an attempt to control your partner [when feeling hurt], this is understandable to want to feel that protection, to help your partnership, but it’s counterintuitive. It’s going to create a false sense of trust.” “Almost every time, betrayed partners write about how [their partner] felt unavailable. Didn’t think about how much I really needed you. You didn’t open up to me and I felt alone.” “The harm people cause each other is not the important part of this whole picture. We make mistakes. The important part is all in the repair. It’s not that you make a mistake, it’s you going back and saying you didn’t do that right.”

Part 1: Dr. Jessica Higgins: How Do You Learn to Forgive?

After a huge betrayal, it can be nearly impossible to come back to the center and find forgiveness. Some couples are ready to move forward and to forgive, but they keep getting stuck in the negative patterns of their betrayal, hurt, and distrust. Is there a healthy way to move forward? Should you even forgive in the first place? Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology. She explains how you can move through these emotions and reach a place of repair within your relationship in this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Jessica.  [4:55] How do you help someone find peace after a deep betrayal?  [8:45] There is no guarantee around not being betrayed.  [10:35] It’s a different feeling when someone shows up to the relationship with intentionally vs. passivity.  [14:00] How do you move a couple forward from being stuck in a place of anger?  [18:45] Would it be helpful for the addict to explain their childhood to their partner?  [23:35] When will the betrayed spouse forgive me?  [25:40] Some people feel like if they remain resentful, they’re teaching the other person a lesson.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjessicahiggins.com QUOTES: “A lot of spouses are looking for a guarantee. What you’re doing [today] isn’t really real and I want you to prove it.” “There is a part of me that really wants to trust you and feel like I’m not managing you.” “There are 350 definitions of forgiveness. There are some nuances and it can be hard to pin down what you’re dealing with.”

Part 2: Financial Infidelity and Career Suicide: Can You Recover? with Debra L. Kaplan

After a successful career on Wall Street, where issues regarding sex, money, and power are legendary, Debra L. Kaplan merged her fascination with narcissism, sex, power, and control with her studies in psychology. Debra’s book, For Love and Money, became the inspiration for her groundbreaking clinical work. In part 2 of this episode, Debra continues her discussion around infidelity and money, how to heal after a financial betrayal, and what compromise looks like.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] The way a couple handles money is how they handle other issues in their relationship.  [4:35] What should couples do when they’re in crisis and are trying to regain control of their finances?  [5:35] Sit down and come up with a game plan on what you both want out of this relationship and its future [6:45] How can couples begin to work towards healing?  [9:15] Dr. Rob shares a personal story around the challenge between recovery and money.  [11:40] As an addict through and through, and being in recovery, you have to learn how to not be selfish.  [18:45] What’s Debra’s new book about?  [21:15] Not everyone can afford therapy, but Debra created this book for couples who need the help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Debrakaplancounseling.com Financialtherapyassociation.org   QUOTES: “If there’s been infidelity, secret keeping, and lies around money, absolutely seek help.” “I had to say no to something I wanted and every time I saw that [dream] car in the street, I feel bad, but I did the right thing.” “You don’t have to be talking about money, you can be talking about ‘coupleship’ like raising your kids, but money is the biggest one.”

The Ripples Effects of Adult Children of Sex Addicts with Dr. Ken Adams

Dr. Ken M. Adams began his professional career in 1981 treating children, adolescents, and their families. In 1985 he began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents program, an outpatient program for the treatment of adults who had grown up in alcoholic families. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), a CSAT supervisor, and CSAT training facilitator as well as an EMDR practitioner. In this episode, Dr. Ken gives an overview on what an enmeshment relationship looks like, his latest book catered specifically for adult children of sex addicts, and talks about how to recover from a broken home.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Ken. [4:25] What happens to children that allow them to struggle later on in life?  [7:20] What’s so wrong with having a good relationship with your parents?  [9:15] Empathic children deeply worry about their parents and often, enmeshment happens because the parent did not set proper or clear boundaries.  [16:10] Dr. Ken is out with a new book, A Light in the Dark. Why did he decide to write it?  [22:10] All the children surveyed said they were negatively impacted by what their sex addict parent did.  [25:55] Adult children are often confused about what’s a normal sexual experience.  [30:35] Children aren’t stupid. They know what’s going on and often get put in a bad position where they have to protect their mother or father’s anger towards the sex addict.  [33:40] How should a sex addict tell their children about their problems?  [37:25] The shame that these adult children carry, it is not their shame to carry.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Sexualhealth-addiction.com When He’s Married to Mom by Dr. Ken M. Adams A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts by Ken M. Adams QUOTES: “The romantic partner always becomes second tier to the enmeshed man or woman’s parents.” “It’s always the parent’s job that they stay in charge of what is a normal love affair between parent and child.” “Your children are not your children. They’re life’s longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you.” “88% of children were aware or witnessed their parent’s sexually addicted behavior.”  

Addiction: Nature or Nurture? with Dr. Evelyn Higgins

Dr. Evelyn Higgins is the Founder and CEO of Wired for Addiction. She is a recognized expert in addiction and has 25 years of clinical practice as well as dedicated over 16 years of research and development in the science of addiction recovery. In this week’s episode, Dr. Higgins talks the environment vs. genes and how it shows up in addiction, explores the idea of an ‘addiction cure’, and so much more on this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Higgins. [4:20] What is considered an addiction? [6:35] No one sets out to becoming an addict. [6:55] Our environment has a big impact on us…but our genetics also play a part.  [7:45] Are we biologically/genetically wired to become addicts?  [11:40] Why can’t you cure addiction?  [16:50] You can make healthy choices! The first step is understanding your stressors. [20:45] Dr. Weiss has seen people in recovery who still keep struggling. They’re ‘white knuckling’ it.  [26:40] Unfortunately, what might work for one person, might not work for another.  [27:20] How do we teach the public to better understand addiction?  [34:40] The medical community is very subjective because it’s based on vocabulary (what the patient says) instead of blood tests and body chemistry results.  [36:25] There’s still quite a bit of inequity in the medical field, but there are small steps forward happening. [39:35] What are the next steps for someone who wants to stay sober?   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss DoctorHiggins.com QUOTES: “The stigma is that this is actually a mental health disease and no one sets out to ruin their life and have all these other reactions from society.” “We all strive to make our lives easier.” “We now know we can change the expression of genes. That’s so powerful. We can make changes in someone’s life.” “No one [in congress] wanted their names on these bills because of the stigma around mental health.”   

Part 2: Addiction , Mental Health, and Psychology with the President of the Society of Addiction Psychology. Dr. Aaron Weiner

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. In this episode, Dr. Aaron talks about childhood trauma, whether addicts are inherently bad people and the pain that people often hold deep down that they’ve suppressed and compartmentalized.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:11] Why does relapse even happen? If the addict really loves me, why can’t they just stop? [3:10] Your betrayed partner is hurt, but they love you and they don’t want to see you in pain. [5:45] How do you tell a partner that you’ve relapsed or have a slip? [6:35] Many spouses feel so disconnected from their addict.  [9:15] You may continue with your addiction, but it will never be the same. You will always hurt your family.  [11:00] Are addicts bad people? Are they just going to keep hurting people?  [15:20] Do addictive personalities exist? [16:40] Childhood trauma disrupts your entire worldview. [21:35] People often want to know why this is happening, but it’s equally important to understand how it’s happening and how to stop.  [27:00] We are going to get stressed and it’s natural that you want to hide from that stress, but there are better ways to solve that problem.  [30:10] Can you fix addiction? [32:45] Dr. Aaron offers some helpful workbooks and solutions to help you with your recovery journey.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Weinerphd.com Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn QUOTES: “I’m an addict and I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to be reminded of it. Addicts will jump over the problem.” “One of the things I see betrayed partner’s looking for is empathy. The addict gets into recovery, but they’re still assholes.” “Almost every client that comes to Seeking Integrity wants to know ‘why’. I can show you why, but you really need to learn how to stop.” “We are always going to be faced with stressors in our life and we are always going to want to feel better.”   

Part 1: Addiction , Mental Health, and Psychology with the President of the Society of Addiction Psychology. Dr. Aaron Weiner

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. His perspective is informed by years of experience growing and directing addiction service lines for hospitals and healthcare systems, the current state of medical and psychological research, and his own observations in private practice. In this episode. Dr. Aaron talks about process addictions and how they differ from substance addictions.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Aaron and his career. [4:10] Addictions and addictive behaviors are very misunderstood. [7:00] Why do these ‘non-substance’ addictions exist?  [9:10] Sexual content is so easily accessible.  [10:50] Social media apps want to be addicting. Dr. Aaron ran an experiment and moved his icons around so that he wouldn’t click on the same addictive apps over and over again. [13:00] How do I know if I have a process addiction?  [16:00] It’s easy to lie to yourself to avoid the discomfort or the consequences of your actions. [18:10] There is a normalization in process behaviors. People want you to ‘binge’ on movies or ‘be addicted’ to video games. [22:55] Insurance companies will pay for food-eating disorders but won’t consider a gaming disorder.  [25:40] What is an FMRI?  [27:30] A lot of therapists like to pretend the body doesn’t exist from the neck down. Dr. Aaron explains what he means.  [29:50] An addiction forms because the person is just trying to find some way for peace and stability.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Weinerphd.com Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn QUOTES: “Someone’s life can be completely bulldozed by an addiction that has nothing to do with a chemical you put in your body.” “When it comes to process addictions and where we draw the line unless we’re having an anger point with consequences, it’s societally defined.” “You can see when brains change when someone is compulsive vs. not. It’s very clear that the brain works differently when someone is addicted.” “I view addictive behaviors simply as overgrown or malignant coping mechanisms.” 

When You Put in the Work, You Will See the Benefits

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how betrayed spouses can take care of themselves, especially if their addict is not showing up in a way that they need to. They also answer a question from an emotional man, who has been in recovery for the last two years, and use it as a showcase on why recovery really does work when you put in the work. When you commit 100%, you will see the results.    TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My SA husband never wants to have sex. What gives? [6:10] As a betrayed partner, you need to do self-healing work. Your partner has lied to you for over 2 decades.  [7:20] It’s common for addicts to gaslight you and confuse you whenever you stand up for yourself.   [10:25] My betrayed spouse doesn’t seem as invested in this recovery journey as I am. I am trying my best, what can I do?  [13:10] I’m interested in taking the Out of the Doghouse course. When does it start? [15:50] I’ve been in recovery for two years. I’m more emotional than ever, and my wife thinks this is strange. How can I help her understand what’s happening?  [20:30] ADHD and addiction? Is there a connection?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Part 2 - Healing Work, Healing Home, Healing Me with Doug Tieman

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. In part 2 of this episode, Doug shares his own recovery journey and why his wife continued to stay by his side despite the bad reputation and betrayal he caused in active addiction. Doug and Dr. Rob also share when to seek out help if you’re struggling with a substance problem.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Why did Doug’s wife stay by his side?  [2:10] This is an illness.  [2:55] As a way to repair the relationship, Doug started dating his wife again.  [5:20] Doug felt so much guilt that he had failed his family. He decided to put 100% on his recovery, even if it meant working 14 hours on this to do so.  [7:45] How could Doug love his wife and at the same time act out and be a sex & love addict?  [9:10] Doug has a book out, Flying Over the Pigpen. What’s it about?  [14:00] How do you find a good treatment facility?  [16:00] What kind of questions should you be asking before you enter into a treatment facility?  [17:25] What are the signs you need help? [19:10] With addiction, it only escalates.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn Flying Over the Pigpen by Doug Tieman   QUOTES: “For anyone who suffers from an addiction, that is our first and foremost love affair. We are incapable of having a lasting, meaningful relationship.” “I was incapable of a true loving relationship with my wife even though I wanted to because of my substance use and my sex and love addiction.” “I always loved my wife, but I was incapable of showing it in a true and meaningful way until I got into recovery.” “In addiction, you draw the line and then you redraw it because you cross it. When that happens, get help.” 

Part 1 - Healing Work, Healing Home, Healing Me with Doug Tieman

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. Over the last 4 decades, Doug has seen the way professional's and the public’s perception of addiction has changed. In this episode, Doug shares what massive improvements we’ve undergone over the years and what the mental health industry has been doing to deliver better quality results to its patients.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Doug Tieman and his career. [3:20] As someone who’s been in the treatment and recovery space for 40 years, what has changed over the decades?  [4:00] Back then, anyone who was seen as an ‘addict’ had a willpower issue.  [6:00] In the 80s, you would have been kicked out of a treatment center for exercising.  [8:40] Sometimes, you would put people on the ‘hot seat’, where you almost tore into them as a form of tough love. However, we now know that’s one of the worst things you can do to someone with trauma.  [12:15] Why is addiction considered a mental health problem?  [16:40] Unfortunately, if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.  [17:00] What are some of the known problems about the mental health industry and its ability to treat people?  [19:20] Doug is in recovery himself. Despite being in the field for a long time, in 2008, he got his first DUI and realized he had a problem.  [25:30] As Doug found his recovery later in life, does he feel compelled to make up for ‘lost time’ in his adult children’s lives?  [28:50] Doug’s DUI made page six of the New York Post. The information was out there. Doug had to make a decision to communicate his struggles to his children. [30:45] There’s so much good that can come from being in recovery. He has no more secrets.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn QUOTES: “When I started this work in the 80s, substance abuse treatment was a real mystery for most people.” “Even when we didn’t have the medical or scientific information that we would have today, treatment facilitators did their best. We believed in loving people back to health.” “This is an evolving field. We now know more about addiction as a brain chemistry and we’re unlocking new mysteries of the brain all the time.” “Individuals who suffer from mental health typically abuse substances. People who abuse substances typically have a mental health [condition] that goes along with it.”