Sex, Love, and Addiction

BONUS: Why Should I Write Down All My Anger and Hurt?

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal?    TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary?  [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction?  [16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it.  [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing.  [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do?  [26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do.  [26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

BONUS: Am I Just Having Fun, or Is This a Full-Blown Addiction?

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.   TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him? [8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you. [10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships? [15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her? [22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict? [26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Discover and Connect with Your Own Inner Voice Again with Lucy Beresford

Lucy Beresford hosts LBC Radio’s Sex and Relationships show and she’s the author of 4 books, including the global best-seller Happy Relationships. She works as a psychotherapist at The Grace Clinic, London and from time to time at The Delhi Psychiatry Centre in India under Dr. Sunil Mittal. In this episode, Lucy talks about refinding your voice again after a betrayal, how to create a deeper connection with a partner, and what are the steps forward if you continue to stay in a marriage that had a betrayal in it.    TAKEAWAYS: [5:00] Lucy shares a time where she lost her voice and had to rediscover it again.  [6:10] How can you show up for yourself? How can you own your own voice? [7:30] What does Lucy mean to ‘have a voice’?  [10:15] It’s very hard for women who have experienced betrayal to have a voice.  [12:10] When women get into relationships, their sense of self often gets drowned out.  [19:40] It’s so hard to stay committed to someone when you’ve had a small fight; much less a betrayal. [24:50] Unfortunately for addicts, they’ve hurt their best friend and partner and so they can not depend on this person (right now) for emotional support.  [31:10] What do we unwillingly enable in someone else because of our own baggage and history?  [34:35] You’ve consciously chosen to stay, now what?  [40:45] Lucy talks about disclosed non-monogamy and what that means for a couple.   [46:15] If your personality is being crushed and you’re becoming a former version of yourself, when should you stop everything and listen? [50:00] A little bit about Lucy and her work/books.     RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Lucyberesford.com Lucy on LinkedIn Infidelity: to stay or go…?   QUOTES: “I didn’t know I had permission not to have children. It showed me there are people out there who are making choices in their life for other people.” “What’s the impact of you living authentically? It’s one thing to be sad about the life you had, it’s another to assist in that sadness.” “How do I retain a sense of me while celebrating and nourishing ‘we’?”

How to Heal After a Betrayal: Dr. Monique Thompson on Navigating Infidelity

Dr. Monique Thompson is a Psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas. She has seen over 1,000 couples in her counseling practice over the years and now shares tips and tools for couples to help recover from infidelity. She recently wrote a workbook for couples who are looking to recover from infidelity and shares her industry insights with Dr. Rob on today’s episode. After infidelity, many couples are unconsciously going to war with one another. Dr. Monique shares how you can get back to peaceful territory once again.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Monique decide to write a book about infidelity recovery? [7:20] What responsibilities or accountability should the non-affair partner take on?   [10:55] When you choose to stay, you have to mentally keep in mind you’re going to war. You’re no longer in a time of peace.  [11:25] Some couples never consciously choose to stay. They just didn’t get divorced and that is not the same.  [15:35] Why did Dr. Monique write the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples? [20:30] Your own healing comes from a place of healing within yourself. Your partner won’t be able to help you with that.  [24:30] Are you compelled to set down ultimatums in hopes your partner will change?  [32:25] Dr. Monique shares why it’s important to take a deep breath in and reset your mindset. [36:00] Sometimes people cheat because they can’t be themselves. What happens when someone finally reveals their ‘true’ persona and their partner still wants to leave? [39:55] Does Dr. Monique have a different approach for a young couple vs. an older couple?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Doctormoniquethompson.com/ Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples   QUOTES: “If you’re choosing to stay, you’re choosing to go off to war. You’re not at home during peace time.” “Sometimes, people really didn’t choose to stay, they just didn’t get a divorce. That’s not the same.” “I ask couples if they are willing to set a peace treaty down for a period of time to be able to begin the work.”

Foundation of Hope: The 12 Steps Way to Healing from Trauma with Dr. Jamie Marich and Dr. Stephen Dansiger

Dr. Jamie Marich is a facilitator of transformative experiences. A clinical trauma specialist, expressive artist, writer, yoga teacher, performer, short filmmaker, Reiki master, TEDx speaker, and recovery advocate. Marich has taught conscious dance seminars at various conferences nationally, internationally, and online, and has trained more than 500 facilitators in the Dancing Mindfulness practice. She is also the author of several books including the original Trauma and the 12 Steps.    Dr. Stephen Dansiger is a master EMDR therapist and provider of EMDR Basic Training and Advanced Topics Courses with the Institute for Creative Mindfulness, and has helped set up the premiere Buddhist addictions rehab center, Refuge Recovery Centers. He has been practicing Buddhist mindfulness for almost 30 years (including a one year residency at a Zen monastery), and teaches dharma classes regularly in Los Angeles and other centers internationally.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Jamie and Dr. Stephen write a Trauma and the 12 Steps workbook?  [6:40] Dr. Jamie loves writing books because it’s accessible for everyone, especially those who might not be able to afford therapy.  [7:35] What made Dr. Stephen excited to collaborate with Dr. Jamie?  [11:55] How do people heal their trauma while they’re also reliving it?  [13:40] What is the greatest gift about being a therapist specializing in trauma?  [17:00] Why throw 12-step practices into this mix of trauma and healing? [21:00] People enjoy the structure that 12 Steps brings and it makes it easier for them to follow a healing journey if they know what to expect. [30:00] Dr. Jamie talks about Step 6 and how it can perpetuate feelings of shame.  [33:40] Now that you know about your trauma, what are the next steps? It’s important not to fall into a victim mindset. [43:30] What is mindfulness, really?  [47:55] Many people who have come into a 12-step program have been wounded by God, and end up missing out on a wealth of knowledge and healing.  [50:20] What books should you start with first?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjamiemarich.com Drdansiger.com Traumamadesimple.com   QUOTES: “There is not a separation between trauma therapy and 12 Steps, and Buddhist practice. It all goes together.” “Hurt people hurt people, but how I really like to reframe that is trauma is this phononym where you can bleed all over each other.” “Yes I am responsible for adult behavior but I am not a bad person. I wasn’t responsible for what happened to me, but how I learned to adapt and survive, I am responsible for.”

Part 2: Couples, Conflict and Resolution with Dr. Stan Tatkin

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses the 5 things that break a relationship apart, how to recover from a betrayal, and how to live a pro-relationship life.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How do you recover from a betrayal?  [6:00] In a society, we are forced to grow up for the betterment of our tribe.  [7:25] What do couples complain the most about?  [11:25] People will commit the same mistakes over and over because they don’t understand the internal errors that they’re making.  [15:25] What happens if you’re stuck in a relationship ‘role’ that you don’t like?  [18:20] What does it mean to be pro-relationship? [20:35] Your attachment needs are not rooted in love. Dr. Stan explains why.  [26:00] Want to know more about Dr. Stan? Link in the show notes!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin   QUOTES: “There are cultures where it’s emphatically insistent and people do grow up because the culture demands that you operate with each other.” “We do the same things that mess up relationships, no matter what kind of relationships they are, and we always will if we don’t understand our nature.” “Everything I am talking about is inline with being selfish. Being pro-relationship is being pro-self. They are one and the same.”

Part 1: Couples, Conflict and Resolution with Dr. Stan Tatkin

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses what really is the glue that keeps relationships together, why they are so messy, and how you can better define it with the person you love.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:50] Let’s talk about conflict in a relationship.  [5:05] What do people actually view as ‘important’?  [7:05] People have the ability to ‘make things up’, so it’s important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to a relationship.  [9:25] Someone might be something you’ve always wanted, but they’re also going to be a lot of things that ‘you don’t want’. It’s important to navigate through that.  [11:20] There has to be a reason why two people join together and it has to be for more than just love.  [18:50] How can you move through a relationship consciously?  [23:00] When you’re in the middle of conflict, how do you resolve it or go through it in a healthy way?  [28:35] Sometimes, you need to fall on your sword so that you and your partner can find a way to communicate again. It’s a team sport.  [32:40] Like with everything, good conflict resolution is a skill that anybody can learn. As you learn, you’ll make mistakes, you won’t be perfect, but you will get better at it.  [33:30] How do you have agreement when there’s been a betrayal?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin   QUOTES: “Conflict is a very human thing. If you’re a human primate, you’re going to get into conflict.” “In a relationship that we are creating, we have to define it. We have to make sure that we are creating the same picture in our heads.” “Love and attraction wanes. A lot goes. But we’re still accountable if we’re going to play fair and work together.”

Part 2: Sex + Porn Addicts Share About Their Healing Journey with Dr Rob, Larry and Jay

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Jay and Larry, two men in recovery, to help people understand that addiction is a lot more complex than it seems on the surface. The opinion you have of yourself can keep you stuck in destructive patterns. It’s so important to consciously put yourself in healthy and positive environments, like in a recovery or group program, if you ever wish to break free from the power of addiction.     TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] Larry had this internal dialogue going through his head, “This is just who you are.” [3:20] Larry’s wife found out about him acting out at least 4-5 times. He shares how it completely tore her about.  [6:55] Larry didn’t realize all of his lies were causing his wife PTSD.  [7:25] If there was anything that Larry could change, it would be to tell the truth and to tell it faster.  [8:45] Jay was living in a fantasy world and he didn’t realize it was destroying the people who loved and cared for him.  [13:05] Why did Jay go to a residential program? Wasn’t group therapy enough?  [15:45] Jay was able to prove through actions that he was taking his recovery seriously.  [18:00] Larry’s experience with Dr. Rob was life changing.  [22:15] Mentorship is a very important piece to recovery. Jay has taken this on as part of his recovery and healing journey.  [24:00] When you lose trust with the people you love, then you lose what really defines the relationship.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “What other people don’t know won’t hurt them; is probably the biggest lie in addiction.” “I would think I was telling the truth, but I wasn’t. I’d change a slight detail.” “A residential program accelerated my recovery. I was surrounded by people who were experts in the field and at the same time I had peers who made me feel safe.”  

Part 1: Sex + Porn Addicts Share About Their Healing Journey with Dr Rob, Larry and Jay

Dr. Rob speaks with two people in recovery, Jay and Larry, about their addiction and the type of damage it has caused their families. Jay and Larry also talk about why they felt comfort in their addictions and how their lives have been improved now that they are sober and aware of their problem.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Why did Jay seek help and go to treatment? [4:15] Jay was frustrated that he couldn’t fix himself on his own. [5:25] Larry shares his experience with addiction.  [6:05] Larry was so afraid of connecting with people, which is why he found comfort with porn.  [9:15] At first, Larry thought it was his wife’s problem on why they were having issues. It turned out, it was his addiction that was the problem. [12:30] Why did it take Jay 45 years to seek professional help? [15:50] Jay’s first therapist did not believe in sex addiction. She thought he was just a liar. [18:55] Why did Larry keep telling his wife about the slips he had with porn? Why didn’t he just keep it a secret? [21:15] Larry knew it was unhealthy, and Larry knew it was terrible, but he couldn’t stop.  [26:15] Jay talks a little bit about his childhood, and why he found comfort in sex with strangers.  [30:00] When Jay would travel, it would trigger him because he was so lonely and he wanted to act out to fill the void. [32:35] Jay would try to use willpower for it to go away, but he just couldn’t sustain it.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “I tried to do this on my own, but it wasn’t until I got group therapy where I was able to get through my shame.” “Just going to a weekly meeting wasn’t enough. It wasn’t working. I was in a state of denial.” “I never realized what I was doing was part of an addiction. I thought I was just being a guy.”

Part 2: Support Groups for Adult Children of Alcoholics with Gary Seidler

Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. Gary and Dr. Rob talks about trauma, the importance of storytelling and the ability to vocalize some of your unique experiences with addiction, and they offer clarification on what is considered a true addiction in this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] At the root of every addiction, there is some form of trauma.  [4:25] What is the difference between big T and little T trauma?  [7:30] More and more people are talking about the traumas they grew up with.  [9:40] How do you know if you have an addiction? Isn’t technically everything an addiction? [14:00] Children of alcoholics are completely focused on the other person.  [14:45] Gary is currently writing a book for adult children of sex addicts. What are some of the similarities/differences Gary sees among this group?  [17:20] Adult children of sex addicts often carry a lot of shame about their own sexual behavior and sexuality.  [19:30] These adult children have a very unique lens of extremes. Gary expands on what this means.  [22:10] How do these adult children deal with intimacy?  [23:30] With the internet, you’re just one click away from seeing whatever sexual content you want. [26:45] Unfortunately, young children are learning about sex from porn.   [31:05] Are you sure you don’t need help? Remember that denial is the enemy.  [33:30] Sex addiction feels so personal to the family even though it’s not the spouse or children’s fault.  [36:05] Your internal shame can slowly go away by talking about it in a support group.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Gary on LinkedIn   QUOTES: “When our family [appears] perfect or you don’t talk about it, we don’t learn.” “Nobody comes to treatment to grow personally. People come in because they’re in crisis.” “We adapt to situations that are intolerable when we love somebody.”