Sex, Love, and Addiction

Part 2: Navigating Betrayal Trauma Anger with Crystal Hollenbeck

Crystal Hollenbeck and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about the power and purpose of triggers, the appropriate time to utilize communication skills, and each of the seven steps of the CALMING model, including handling residual anger and resentment. We often think that anger is the only option for control after betrayal, but Crystal challenges this limiting belief and offers hope to anyone who is ready to move on from an angry life. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:52] Why should I do anything? He betrayed me. 
[5:42] Triggers are normal and can be helpful. 
[7:27] What to expect from the leveling stage. 
[13:13] The management and intuition stages of CALMING. 
[20:21] Trusting your intuition after betrayal. 
[25:17] The role of forgiveness in healing. 
[30:41] This behavior increases the likelihood of repeat betrayal. 
[32:30] Boundaries are protection, not restriction.
[34:35] Grieving loss and recognizing the positives of post-traumatic growth.
[43:44] Moving on after grief is possible. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Crystal Hollenbeck
Betrayal Healing Conference
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“This is part of your story now. You have to talk about it.” 
“I have never seen a client not be grateful for healing work, because they come in with wounds they didn’t know exist.” 
“Forgiveness is for you, not the person that harmed you.” 
“Boundaries are protection, not restriction.”
“We never stop grieving. We learn to live with grief.”

Part 1: Navigating Betrayal Trauma Anger with Crystal Hollenbeck

Crystal Hollenbeck has returned to the podcast to discuss a new resource for anyone who is dealing with betrayal trauma anger. She and Dr. Rob define this healthy emotion in the healing process, discuss her new book Betrayal Trauma Anger and explore anger management options available to help betrayed partners calm down and move forward. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:52] A new resource for managing anger after betrayal and trauma.
[3:25] Defining betrayal trauma anger.
[4:23] The motivation behind Crystal’s new book.
[7:01] 3 significant experiences of a betrayed partner. 
[8:20] The danger of repressing anger. 
[9:58] “I don’t like who I’ve become.” Now what?
[12:25] What being betrayed says about you.  
[14:43] The reward in Crystal’s work. 
[16:10] Trauma and broken attachments. 
[19:21] 7 stages of recovery with anger. 
[24:01] When is enough punishment enough? 
[25:13] First steps in the CALMING model. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Crystal Hollenbeck
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“You’re not crazy, you’re angry. And you should be.”
“When you are betraying someone, you are abusing them.”
“Being betrayed does not mean you are stupid or foolish.” 
“You are not responsible for what your partner did. Period.”

Part 2: Trusting Myself Again with Tammy Gustafson

Tammy Gustafson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about creating emotional space between you and your betraying partner. They discuss the power of actually feeling all of your feelings, and the importance of allowing fun and play in the healing process. Tammy offers free resources for finding peace, and underscores the power that comes with surviving and thriving after betrayal.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:23] You don’t have control over your partner’s behavior. Now what?
[4:22] Shifting from safety seeking in others to self.
[7:35] Pumping the well of your soul.
[8:52] The danger of suppressing your anger and sadness.
[13:00] Allowing the flow of emotions while grieving.
[17:01] Free resources for finding peace.
[21:07] The role of fun and play in healing.
[25:06] Moving toward the best version of yourself through healing.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Tammy Gustafson
Betrayal Healing Conference
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
 
QUOTES:
● “Over time, the way that we start to heal… is a version of healthy detachment.”
● “There is an energy to anger that has a purpose.”
● “Part of the grieving process is allowing the flow of emotions to go through you.”
● “You cannot heal your heart with your head.”

Part 1: Trusting Myself Again with Tammy Gustafson

Tammy Gustafson is a licensed professional counselor and coach who focused on trauma, PTSD, and EMDR before her own marriage imploded. She now works with others who are facing betrayal, focusing on women who have been betrayed to help them find their worth and strength again. Together, she and Dr. Rob discuss healing after betrayal and regaining trust in your partner, but more importantly, in yourself.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:00] Tammy’s reluctant, and now passionate journey toward betrayal counseling.
[4:30] The personal element of Tammy’s services.
[6:05] Growing into the best version of yourself after betrayal.
[9:03] What if I can’t feel my feelings?
[11:20] The process of healing requires the help of others.
[12:52] It is never your fault that your partner betrayed you.
[15:30] What if my anger is directed at the other woman?
[17:25] Rebuilding trust after betrayal. 
[21:07] How can I trust myself again?
[25:00] Resetting the nervous system.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Tammy Gustafson
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
 
QUOTES:
● “We can’t hide from our emotions and heal.”
● “The grieving process is the healing process.”
● “Healing is a thousand times easier with the help of other people.”
● “Power is the ability to influence, or to resist influence.”

Part 2: Helping Couples Heal with Carol Juergensen Sheets

Carol Juergensen Sheets and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about healing as a couple. Carol defines the six primary needs of every person, ways to create meaningful connection, and what it means to be brave and do it anyway throughout a couple’s healing journey.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:23] Where do couples start with healing?
[3:27] Transactional sex versus emotional connection.
[4:13] First steps with couples work – what do you need that you aren’t getting?
[6:03] Defining the 6 primary needs of every person.
[9:40] Creating meaningful ways for connection.
[11:56] Helping couples heal starts here.
[14:15] Do you know your own strengths?
[15:05] Be brave and do it anyway.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Carol Juergensen Sheets
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
 
QUOTES:
● “You need to be seen as a couple that is not in distress.”
● “Create ways that you can look forward to connection.”
● “I want couples to work through their trauma with each other.”
● “You have to do what will make your partner feel safe.”

Part 1: Helping Couples Heal with Carol Juergensen Sheets

Carol Juergensen Sheets joins Dr. Rob for an in-depth conversation about what it really takes for both partners to heal after betrayal and trauma. Carol focuses on empathy in recovery, understanding triggers, and the signs that indicate that it is safe for a couple to move toward each other again. She also addresses the importance of support groups in healing and answers the classic question – do women really need other women?
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:56] Carol has been supporting healing in sex addicts couples since 2005.
[5:55] Betrayed spouses aren’t crazy, they’re traumatized.
[7:57] The Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model.
[10:38] The danger of fact checking and hypervigilance after trauma.
[14:10] The sustaining hope of feeling connected to your partner.
[15:25] Empathy broken down into 4 actionable parts.
[20:05] How to desensitize the desire to shut down after being triggered.
[22:52] Am I contributing to this relationship or contaminating it?
[26:33] When is it safe to move toward the coupleship again?
[28:25] Shifting away from if/then interactions toward stability.
[31:11] Healthy detachment leads to healing.
[36:07] Do women really need other women?
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Carol Juergensen Sheets
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
 
QUOTES:
● “I don’t want someone calling me 24/7, I want them to develop a fellowship out there that can also help to guide them.”
● “You can’t just stop negative behaviors, you have to replace them with something good.”
● “You can be in conflict but not withdraw.”
● “Am I contributing to this relationship or contaminating it?”

Part 2: Sexuality After 50 with Dr. Kennedy

Dr. Jenn Kennedy and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about finding satisfaction and intimacy after 50. They consider what it means to truly become a better person and partner, to evolve beyond betrayal toward empathy and intimacy. We often think that intimacy equals sex, but Dr. Kennedy challenges that notion and defines what a satisfied, committed relationship can really look like in the later years of life.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:45] The impact of infidelity on a committed sexual relationship.
[7:20] Infidelity in a mature vs. younger couple.
[13:03] Intimacy, not just sex, is the ultimate goal.
[17:40] From discovery to reconnecting sexually, eventually.
[27:07] Moving from ‘I’m sorry to ‘I’m sorry I put you through that’.
[32:40] Reintroducing touch and talking without the expectation of sex.
[38:13] Scheduled sex and other tactics for navigating sexuality in older age.
[43:20] Train your mind to choose your partner.
[44:57] Battling the psychological landmine is not required to resume intimacy.
[46:40] What if we just don’t want to have sex anymore?
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Jenn Kennedy
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
 
QUOTES:
● “The breakdown in intimacy after infidelity is real.”
● “If the addict doesn’t start to actually change and show some progress, their sex life probably isn’t going to change either.”
● “Wherever you place your focus, growth will occur.”
● “You can have great intimacy and not have sex.”

Part 1: Sexuality After 50 with Dr. Kennedy

Dr. Jenn Kennedy joins Dr. Rob to explore a rarely discussed topic – sexuality for the more seasoned. Dr. Kennedy tackles the two main ‘D’s’ of sexuality that bring couples into therapy after 50, considers what ‘better’ sex really looks like, and shares some of the main talking points that should be discussed in any conversation about sexuality as we age. Because like it or not, these are issues that every person has to face as they get older.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:23] Dr. Kennedy’s third career tackles the topics that many therapist avoid.
[4:50] Generalities in sexuality expectations and roles over 50.
[8:35] Women over 50, their relationships and their sexuality.
[10:42] Presenting problems that bring couples to Dr. Kennedy.
[12:30] Dissatisfaction in a committed couple’s sex history.
[18:50] Do men know how to ask for what they want?
[24:05] Dysfunction is the greatest motivator for couples sex therapy.
[28:38] What does ‘better sex’ really look like?
[31:12] How body image impacts sexuality as we age.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Jenn Kennedy
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
 
QUOTES:
● “The bedroom is a microcosm of the larger life.”
● “50 and beyond, more and more men are going to start having erectile dysfunction.”
● “The quality of the relationship has to feel work the tradeoff of the objectification of youth.”
● “When they’re able to articulate it, men say they want to be wanted.”
● “Your motivation to having sex matters.”

Part 2: The Benefits of Therapeutic Separation with Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall

Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall continue their conversation about therapeutic separation, focusing on the impact that separation can have on children at different ages and stages. They explore ways to prove safety and stability for children throughout the process, navigating family events during separation, and why couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation. This conversation provides exceptional insights into a critical step of healing after betrayal that can result in a stronger partnership. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:22] External factors that contribute to the pressure of separation or divorce. 
[3:16] Explaining separation to children in healthy and age-appropriate ways. 
[7:00] Taking appropriate ownership in the face of external influences and challenges. 
[10:09] Providing safety and stability for children despite anger and pain. 
[11:22] Navigating family events throughout therapeutic separation. 
[13:45] Building trust during the therapeutic separation process.
[16:56] The challenges of therapeutic separation when affairs are involved. 
[19:02] Couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Lindsey Stanley
Dr. Stevie Hall
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Share with children what is in their best health and wellness to know.” 
“You can acknowledge the pain and hurt to your kids, but you don’t necessarily have to share all the things with them.” 
“There needs to be an agreed upon script when disclosing to children.” 
“Privacy and honesty are different things.” 

Part 1: The Benefits of Therapeutic Separation with Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall

Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall define and discuss therapeutic separation, an intentional process crafted to help bring about safety, stability, and individual and relational insight. They consider the different types of therapeutic separation, the benefits of each approach, and how separation can be the greatest gift that a betraying partner can offer their spouse. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:20] Defining therapeutic separation as a structured and temporary step in recovery. 
[3:55] Is active separation headed toward divorce? 
[5:25] Different types of separation offer different benefits. 
[7:35] Maintaining boundaries while living in roommate mode. 
[9:20] Legal separation versus legal divorce. 
[11:50] Permanent separation indicates maintaining a marriage that you don’t intend to reconcile. 
[13:35] External and internal factors that motivate people to separate or not. 
[15:34] Negotiating differing partner desires between reconciliation and divorce. 
[17:36] Factors that contribute to a successful therapeutic separation. 
[21:20] Sometimes by giving that space, you are helping your relationship heal.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Lindsey Stanley
Dr. Stevie Hall
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Separation can allow you to disengage emotionally while you seek clarity and healing.” 
“Permanent separation indicates that you are not pursuing reconciliation, but you are also not pursuing divorce.” 
“At times there needs to be an intentional pause on the relationship because the cycle the couple is in is creating so much destruction.” 
“Sometimes by giving that space, you are helping, and you are supporting.”