Sex, Love, and Addiction

Part 1: Helping Couples Heal with Carol Juergensen Sheets

Carol Juergensen Sheets joins Dr. Rob for an in-depth conversation about what it really takes for both partners to heal after betrayal and trauma. Carol focuses on empathy in recovery, understanding triggers, and the signs that indicate that it is safe for a couple to move toward each other again. She also addresses the importance of support groups in healing and answers the classic question – do women really need other women?
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:56] Carol has been supporting healing in sex addicts couples since 2005.
[5:55] Betrayed spouses aren’t crazy, they’re traumatized.
[7:57] The Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model.
[10:38] The danger of fact checking and hypervigilance after trauma.
[14:10] The sustaining hope of feeling connected to your partner.
[15:25] Empathy broken down into 4 actionable parts.
[20:05] How to desensitize the desire to shut down after being triggered.
[22:52] Am I contributing to this relationship or contaminating it?
[26:33] When is it safe to move toward the coupleship again?
[28:25] Shifting away from if/then interactions toward stability.
[31:11] Healthy detachment leads to healing.
[36:07] Do women really need other women?
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Carol Juergensen Sheets
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
 
QUOTES:
● “I don’t want someone calling me 24/7, I want them to develop a fellowship out there that can also help to guide them.”
● “You can’t just stop negative behaviors, you have to replace them with something good.”
● “You can be in conflict but not withdraw.”
● “Am I contributing to this relationship or contaminating it?”

Part 2: Sexuality After 50 with Dr. Kennedy

Dr. Jenn Kennedy and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about finding satisfaction and intimacy after 50. They consider what it means to truly become a better person and partner, to evolve beyond betrayal toward empathy and intimacy. We often think that intimacy equals sex, but Dr. Kennedy challenges that notion and defines what a satisfied, committed relationship can really look like in the later years of life.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:45] The impact of infidelity on a committed sexual relationship.
[7:20] Infidelity in a mature vs. younger couple.
[13:03] Intimacy, not just sex, is the ultimate goal.
[17:40] From discovery to reconnecting sexually, eventually.
[27:07] Moving from ‘I’m sorry to ‘I’m sorry I put you through that’.
[32:40] Reintroducing touch and talking without the expectation of sex.
[38:13] Scheduled sex and other tactics for navigating sexuality in older age.
[43:20] Train your mind to choose your partner.
[44:57] Battling the psychological landmine is not required to resume intimacy.
[46:40] What if we just don’t want to have sex anymore?
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Jenn Kennedy
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
 
QUOTES:
● “The breakdown in intimacy after infidelity is real.”
● “If the addict doesn’t start to actually change and show some progress, their sex life probably isn’t going to change either.”
● “Wherever you place your focus, growth will occur.”
● “You can have great intimacy and not have sex.”

Part 1: Sexuality After 50 with Dr. Kennedy

Dr. Jenn Kennedy joins Dr. Rob to explore a rarely discussed topic – sexuality for the more seasoned. Dr. Kennedy tackles the two main ‘D’s’ of sexuality that bring couples into therapy after 50, considers what ‘better’ sex really looks like, and shares some of the main talking points that should be discussed in any conversation about sexuality as we age. Because like it or not, these are issues that every person has to face as they get older.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:23] Dr. Kennedy’s third career tackles the topics that many therapist avoid.
[4:50] Generalities in sexuality expectations and roles over 50.
[8:35] Women over 50, their relationships and their sexuality.
[10:42] Presenting problems that bring couples to Dr. Kennedy.
[12:30] Dissatisfaction in a committed couple’s sex history.
[18:50] Do men know how to ask for what they want?
[24:05] Dysfunction is the greatest motivator for couples sex therapy.
[28:38] What does ‘better sex’ really look like?
[31:12] How body image impacts sexuality as we age.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Jenn Kennedy
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
 
QUOTES:
● “The bedroom is a microcosm of the larger life.”
● “50 and beyond, more and more men are going to start having erectile dysfunction.”
● “The quality of the relationship has to feel work the tradeoff of the objectification of youth.”
● “When they’re able to articulate it, men say they want to be wanted.”
● “Your motivation to having sex matters.”

Part 2: The Benefits of Therapeutic Separation with Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall

Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall continue their conversation about therapeutic separation, focusing on the impact that separation can have on children at different ages and stages. They explore ways to prove safety and stability for children throughout the process, navigating family events during separation, and why couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation. This conversation provides exceptional insights into a critical step of healing after betrayal that can result in a stronger partnership. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:22] External factors that contribute to the pressure of separation or divorce. 
[3:16] Explaining separation to children in healthy and age-appropriate ways. 
[7:00] Taking appropriate ownership in the face of external influences and challenges. 
[10:09] Providing safety and stability for children despite anger and pain. 
[11:22] Navigating family events throughout therapeutic separation. 
[13:45] Building trust during the therapeutic separation process.
[16:56] The challenges of therapeutic separation when affairs are involved. 
[19:02] Couples therapy may not be appropriate during a period of separation. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Lindsey Stanley
Dr. Stevie Hall
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Share with children what is in their best health and wellness to know.” 
“You can acknowledge the pain and hurt to your kids, but you don’t necessarily have to share all the things with them.” 
“There needs to be an agreed upon script when disclosing to children.” 
“Privacy and honesty are different things.” 

Part 1: The Benefits of Therapeutic Separation with Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall

Dr. Rob and authors Lindsey Stanley and Dr. Stevie Hall define and discuss therapeutic separation, an intentional process crafted to help bring about safety, stability, and individual and relational insight. They consider the different types of therapeutic separation, the benefits of each approach, and how separation can be the greatest gift that a betraying partner can offer their spouse. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:20] Defining therapeutic separation as a structured and temporary step in recovery. 
[3:55] Is active separation headed toward divorce? 
[5:25] Different types of separation offer different benefits. 
[7:35] Maintaining boundaries while living in roommate mode. 
[9:20] Legal separation versus legal divorce. 
[11:50] Permanent separation indicates maintaining a marriage that you don’t intend to reconcile. 
[13:35] External and internal factors that motivate people to separate or not. 
[15:34] Negotiating differing partner desires between reconciliation and divorce. 
[17:36] Factors that contribute to a successful therapeutic separation. 
[21:20] Sometimes by giving that space, you are helping your relationship heal.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Lindsey Stanley
Dr. Stevie Hall
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Separation can allow you to disengage emotionally while you seek clarity and healing.” 
“Permanent separation indicates that you are not pursuing reconciliation, but you are also not pursuing divorce.” 
“At times there needs to be an intentional pause on the relationship because the cycle the couple is in is creating so much destruction.” 
“Sometimes by giving that space, you are helping, and you are supporting.”

Part 2: Restructuring Divorce With Discernment Counseling with Arlene Rosen

Dr. Rob and Marriage and Family Therapist and CSAT Arlene Rosen continue their discussion about discernment counseling. They consider how to determine what each person needs throughout the collaborative divorce process, how to protect children and pets throughout the journey, and realistic timelines when addiction is a factor in a relationship. Arlene shares advice, resources, and a message of hope and healing in the collaborative divorce process. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:22] Determining what each person needs throughout the collaborative divorce.
[5:42] Child welfare versus child safety in court order agreements. 
[8:10] Timeline possibilities when addiction is at play. 
[11:20] Handling chronic lying in a legal setting. 
[15:55] A message of hope in the collaborative divorce process.
[18:09] Is there a simple way to know that I should get divorced? 
[23:00] Guidelines for an effective separation period. 
[29:35] Determining the right next step based on your current stage of life. 
[32:32] Navigating divorce in a non-legal partnership. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Arlene Rosen
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“You can make agreements about what will be talked about your addiction in your divorce.” 
“Why do more damage when you’ve decided not to live together anymore?” 
“The collaborative divorce process is simply more respectful.” 
“The collaborative divorce process has the most opportunity for people to get back together.”

Part 1: Restructuring Divorce With Discernment Counseling with Arlene Rosen

Dr. Rob and Marriage and Family Therapist and CSAT Arlene Rosen explore the options available to couples who are on the fence about staying together or separating. They discuss discernment counseling, litigation, and collaborative divorce; and consider the benefits and difficulties associated with each route. Arlene is an advocate of restructuring the marriage or divorce through a discernment counseling process, and she shares the value of engaging in discernment counseling to explore whether there is really any breath left in a relationship.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:22] The driver behind Arlene’s work with addiction and divorce. 
[4:39] The role and value of a mediator in divorce. 
[6:30] Litigation and court process horror stories. 
[10:38] Discernment counseling as a preliminary divorce consideration. 
[13:10] Restructuring the marriage through a discernment counseling process. 
[14:30] Separation is always on the table. 
[17:15] Discernment counseling explores whether there is any breath left in a relationship. 
[19:53] Collaborative divorce is an excellent alternative to traditional divorce. 
[25:49] First steps in getting started with collaborative divorce. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Arlene Rosen
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Discernment counseling is a protocol for when one person is leaning out of a relationship and the other person is leaning in.” 
“Discernment counseling is not for people who have already made a decision about divorce.” 
“Discernment counseling is an opportunity to determine if you are willing to meet the other person’s needs and to work on this relationship.”

Part 2: The Power of a Witness with Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty consider the role of a therapist as a witness – one that supports with empathy and compassion. They share the questions to ask a therapist before the first session, and how to identify the right trauma therapist that will lead you to recovery and healing. Healing is meant to happen in communities, and together Dr. Rob and O’Flaherty inspire and encourage listeners to connect with those that can be a witness to healing. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:25] The place for empathy and compassion. 
[3:25] Finding the right trauma therapist. 
[5:10] Questions to ask therapists before the first session.
[8:25] A good therapist is the first medicine in healing. 
[11:53] Dr. O’Flaherty’s book Flight with Weighted Wings. 
[15:45] Healing happens in community. 
[19:29] Connecting with Dr. O’Flaherty.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Johanna O’Flaherty
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“If you have wounded me, it may not be my job initially to have empathy for you.” 
“How do you feel when you sit with a therapist?” 
“The best therapy is not about the work, it’s about the relationship.” 
“Healing happens in community.” 

Part 1: The Power of a Witness with Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty explore witnesses – the people who have seen your experiences and are ready to help you move forward. When you begin questioning whether your experience was real, why you acted out the way you did, or what really happened, a witness can offer direction and healing as you move forward, without the demonization and destigmatization that often faces addicts. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[3:27] What does recovery mean? 
[6:15] Who do you want to take with, and who do you want to leave behind? 
[7:55] A witness will help shape your experience. 
[10:10] Pain and shame makes more sense with a witness’s perspective. 
[12:40] Where are the hospices for the addicted? 
[13:50] Overcoming prejudice against addicts in the recovering community. 
[20:58] Sex addiction and porn addiction garner very little support. 
[25:54] Education on healthy sexuality in recovery. 
[32:15] Reembracing sexuality in recovery. 
[34:47] Revealing trauma, then moving forward. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Johanna O’Flaherty
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“A witness helps shape who we become and how we walk through life.” 
“Where are the hospices for the addicted?” 
“In the journey of healing, we need to give people hope.” 
“What we long for in a relationship is intimacy, and then sexuality.”

Part 2: Betrayal Happens to Men Too with Adam Nisenson

Adam Nisenson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about betrayed men. They share the worst advice a betrayed man can hear, how to determine if reconciliation is the right next step, and the reality that being cheated on does not justify cheating. Adam shares resources, including The ManKind Project, that have helped him through his own healing and how to engage men who have no interest in therapy. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:44] Reconciling is possible, but not always preferred. 
[3:40] Therapy for the men who have no interest in therapy. 
[7:20] 12-Step programs for betrayed men. 
[9:55] She cheated, should I have sex with someone else? 
[11:45] The worst advice a betrayed man can hear. 
[14:51] Determining if reconciliation is the right next step. 
[17:36] My needs aren’t being met. Does that justify cheating? 
[19:39] The ManKind Project. 
[24:02] Does age affect a man’s ability to heal from betrayal? 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Adam Nisenson
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“She might have done this to you, but it’s also happening to you. What do you want to do about it?”
“If you need help, ask for help!” 
“Even if your partner cheated on you, that doesn’t give you permission to cheat.”