Sex, Love, and Addiction

Helping Heal Addiction with Dr. Rob and Tami

Tami VerHelst has been working with Rob for over 15 years in the field of sex, love and relationship addiction. She has been central to many therapists and is often times the very first person someone talks to when they are in crisis mode and undergoing a trauma. People with sexual addictions are often filled with shame and embarrassment, and she continues to be the lifeline that shows them that help is out there. Tami also talks about the difficulties of treating sex addiction compared to other addictions, the importance of getting help from an expert, the programs she is currently working to develop through Seeking Integrity, how she decides where to send someone to get help, and important resources for sex addicts and their partners looking for help and hope.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:51] Despite all the different stories and cases Tami has heard, she always looks at it through the lens of helping someone alleviate their pain. [2:43] When people first call Tami, they can do so anonymously. This takes away the fear of judgment that usually comes with admitting there is an addiction. [4:44] One of the most challenging issues Tami faces is people choosing to overcome the stigma and shame and follow through to contact the resources for support that she provides. [7:23] While drug and alcohol behavior may be able to be ended completely, sexual addiction and food disorders require a perimeter of what is healthy for the individual since sex and hunger are two of our natural desires. [13:35] Each addiction is quite unique and requires its own focus. Many times questions about sexual behavior are overlooked in the mental health field. [14:07] Tami has been in the field for so long that she knows the right questions to ask people to find them the appropriate help and resources. [16:31] If the partner gets good support and the addict gets solid help, they have a greater chance of getting through the trauma of betrayal. [19:49] Tami has seen more women acting with typical male characteristic behavior in the past five years. The world has changed dramatically with the advent of numerous apps that make it as easy as the click of a button to get sex. [23:53] For many addicts, it’s almost more exciting to search for sex and build to orgasm than the actual intercourse itself. [26:17] It is very important for the partner to stand up, draw a line in the sand, and not stand for their partner to continue on with harmful and hurtful behavior. It is also important throughout the treatment for the partner to get their own help and support as well. [33:10] To contact Tami directly, email her at: tami@seekingintegrity.org. [34:15] Tami herself struggled with addiction. She credits her amazing life with recovery and takes great pleasure in giving back.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Dr. Patrick Carnes Out of the Doghouse Bloom for Women APSATS   QUOTES: “I’m so passionate about people having the opportunity for solid recovery. Not just abstinence but a happy, joyous and free recovery.” “The biggest barrier can just be talking to someone else about your problem.” “What is sobriety and what is recovery? It really depends on the person.” “Getting a good foundation will help people get to a stable place and past the initial crisis.” “Don’t have hope if the addict is not willing to get help.” “My recovery has given me everything.”

Betrayal Trauma and Healing with Dr. Barbara Steffens

Dr. Barbara Steffens joins Rob to talk about betrayal trauma and her many extensive years of work within the field. She looks at addiction and infidelity through both the lens of the addict and the partner and works to normalize all parts of what occurs in the addiction and healing process. She and Rob discuss what betrayal trauma is, why some partners may decide to stay, and how they can eventually begin to possibly trust again.   Dr. Steffens founded and is President of The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, and helps clients and also therapists work with people experiencing profound trauma and betrayal. She is also the author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:49] Dr. Barbara Steffens has been a specialist in sex addiction and partners of sex addiction since 1999. Her book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse is a lifeline to help partners cope and heal after betrayal trauma. [2:22] Often times people first associate a trauma with abuse, either physical or mental, but there is also a trauma that goes along with a betrayal within a relationship. When there is an expectation of trust, safety, and security that is violated, it can have a profound effect. [10:43] The partner acting out still can have love, attachment and a connection, but the quality of how deep their intimacy can actually be changes over time as they must compartmentalize in order to not feel too much guilt over their behavior. It’s an internal split for the addict, and hard for the partner to understand how the addict can say they love them and yet still betray their trust. [16:15] It is another betrayal when partners are not heard for what has just happened to them, and the addict may even blame some of their behavior on the spouse. [18:12] Dr. Steffens had to first go to the infidelity field to learn about betrayal trauma from the partner’s point of view, as the addict field just focused primarily on the needs of the addict. [19:32] While partners may not be able to trust the way they once did, they can develop an ability to trust the heart, intent and the behaviors they observe along with their own ability to detect lies and deceit. [23:01] Dr. Steffens tells partners that they did not make their partner cheat, and they don’t have the power over how someone else responds. She encourages them to work with their own emotions and speak their truth rather than prescribing a one size fits all protocol. [32:36] Partners sometimes stay with an addict when there is a relapse due to not wanting to ruin the stability and course of what they have built in their life. Dr. Steffens knows every partner has the choice to decide what is right for them, and takes the judgement away from those no matter what they deem tolerable.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Barbara Steffens Your Sexually Addicted Spouse Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists https://twitter.com/APSATSOrg   QUOTES: “The best thing that the field can do is really listen to the partner as an individual.” “Over time that ability to attach and connect when somebody is engaging in other behaviors has to loosen because so much of the attachment and attention goes to the addiction.” “There’s no intimacy when there are secrets.” “Traumatized people look messy because they are - their life has just exploded.” “Addicts can look very slick and together, even when they are not.” “The greatest gift we can give to partners when we are helping them is the ability for them to trust themselves again.” “There is no pain-free way to deal with this situation. It’s just what kind of pain and how true to yourself are you going to be.”

Rebuilding After Infidelity with Hope Ray

Hope Ray does amazing work in helping couples and individuals cope in the throes of a betrayal, and helps give them the opportunity to possibly even develop a higher quality of intimacy if they do decide to continue the relationship. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and a Certified Hope and Freedom Practitioner. Her experience has shown there is hope for healing even after the devastation of sexual secrets and infidelity. She and Rob talk about empathy for the partner, developing an intimacy radar and her intensive specialized programs to provide help in a great time of need.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:54] Hope’s work is focused on working with couples one at a time in an intensive, specialized environment. [2:27] Hope seeks to take away some of the stigma of addiction, and help both the addict and their partner know that help is out there. [5:39] For the partner experiencing the betrayal and learning to what extent they have been misled, they are often caught between the desire to run away from the situation and their own hurt, and having empathy for their emotionally ill spouse who may need their support to get better. [10:08] Sex addicts typically develop characteristics of entitlement, narcissism, and dishonesty to cover up the guilt of acting out. [13:58] Addicts may be able to balance home and family life with their secret for a while, but will show up in a way that is disconnected and not fully present. [20:14] Rob and Hope support partners in their work by acknowledging their pain and not trivializing the trauma they are experiencing. Partners usually feel shame and guilt that they didn’t know what was happening, even if others around them were aware. [22:14] Hope encourages her clients to be able to detect low levels of intimacy, to express it to their partner and become aware of their own needs that constitute a healthy relationship. [32:14] Partners should be careful who they choose to talk to, individuals who can’t worsen the situation later by knowing the deep dark secrets of the situation. Both Hope and Rob suggest finding a professional in the field that specializes in sex and relationship healing.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Hope Ray Therapy Hope and Freedom Intensive Dr. Patrick Carnes Dr. Ken Adams Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “When we are living two separate lives, we develop a lot of poor character traits in order to keep these secrets.”   “They may show up, but half the time they aren’t emotionally present.” ---(Rob said “they”, but in case you want to change it to addicts)   “Partners are so misunderstood. It’s really important they don’t experience blame for their partner's sexual behavior in any way.”   “I believe one of the greatest powers we can give partners is the ability to detect intimacy.” - Hope  

Focusing on the Partner with Marnie Breecker

Finding out your partner is a sex addict and that everything you have believed to be previously true is a lie can be devastating, traumatic and isolating to say the least. Often times most partners are embarrassed and shameful, thinking they did something to cause the addict’s bad behavior. Today our special guest, Marnie Breecker, explains more on the partner’s point of view. Marnie is a Psychotherapist, Marriage and Family Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Certified Clinical Partners Specialist, and Founder and Clinical Director for the Center of Relational Healing. She talks with Rob about the typical emotional patterns she sees in both parties when dealing with sex addiction, how she helps them get help, and why specialized treatment is so important.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:02] Anger, shock, confusion and an overall crisis in all areas of life. Usually, the anger is directed at first towards their partner, and then as the situation unfolds the anger also spreads to their partner’s family and friends that knew their partner was acting out. [4:39] The partner usually has a conflict where they want to help the person they love, but their own anger and fear creates a barrier. [10:48] After the initial stabilization of help, the partner’s anger surfaces not only in regards to the event(s) of addiction but the fact that they feel all of the attention and support has gone to the person with the addiction. [13:30] Working with partners is often seen as a daunting task for therapists. They usually are a sign of acting crazy or unbalanced, but really this is a human that is in the midst of an actual trauma and has usually been denied their own intuition. [21:19] When you are living a lie as an addict, you have the control when you get to decide what truth your partner hears. One of the hardest thing for the addict to realize is that once the spouse uncovers the truth, they are in control. [23:28] Specialized treatment is so important to discern whether someone is an addict and to delineate what type of treatment is appropriate. [28:40] When a couple comes in dealing with sex addiction and/or confidentiality, the first thing Marnie does is assess what measures must be taken for their physical safety. Next, she helps the partner try to find a community of support to deal with their own trauma of the unfortunate outside circumstance.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 The Center for Relational Healing Marnie Breecker

The Neurobiology of Addiction with Dr. Don Hilton

Today Rob welcomes his admired and respected colleague,  Dr. Don Hilton. As an adjunct associate professor of neurosurgery at the University of Texas Health Center at San Antonio, Dr. Hilton has been at the forefront in expanding what we know about the neurobiology of addiction. He talks with Rob about the ways our brain learns addiction, how porn may be the “fast food of sex” and the need for our culture to catch up in education when it comes to sex and pornography. Dr. Hilton’s research and work help people get over the stigma shame of addiction and instead learn to create what we really all want - authentic human relationships with a valid connection.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:28] Dr. Hilton’s recent focus has been on pornography and the effect of pornography on the brain. About a decade ago he was in Australia to lecture on minimally invasive spine surgery, and met up with a dear friend who was a world-renowned scientist studying the natural instinctive brain craving for survival. The question came up about engines of desire, and what made animals crave things to help them survive. A research project grew out of those discussions, and they found that the same DNA gene sets that caused the animal model to desire salt also correlated with addiction. [5:52] Is pursuing sensation over emotion quite possibly all part of the evolutionary plan for us? [10:02] Virtual Reality is a double-edged sword - it may help people connect who are too socially shy or introverted, but it also brings up a confusing blend of emotions. Dr. Hilton feels as though we will, in the end, choose an emotional connection, and we are designed to connect and bond with each other as humans. [14:29] Porn strikes at our need for human connection and love most deeply. Rob looks at it in a way similar to alcohol, where for some people it’s a real issue, and some people can use it sporadically without a problem. Dr. Hilton feels as though there is a problem with the product itself in terms of the risks, use of drugs and alcohol and consent. [22:32] Dr. Hilton feels that America could follow a similar model to Britain’s to protect our minors. For parents to say it’s okay for their minors to partake in it, it’s important that they have an understanding of the reality of what they are watching. [28:02] It would be more helpful if counselors and educational supporters talked about real sex issues such as pornography with teenagers. Currently, only 20 states in America offer sex education as a standard to their high school students, and 12 require parental permission. [32:03] If a person can step back and realize an addiction such as porn is a problem, but it is not them and a problem with their brain. Recovery is a learning process where we come back to wholeness.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Dr. Donald Hilton, M.D.   Bio Dr. Donald Hilton, M.D. Neurosurgeon, University of Texas, San Antonio -- Dr. Hilton is an adjunct associate professor of neurosurgery at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio, where he is the director of the spine fellowship and the director of neurosurgical training at the Methodist Hospital rotation. He is a fellow of the American College of Surgeons and of the American Association of Neurological Surgeons. His research and publishing interests have included traumatic brain injury, minimally invasive surgery, and neural mechanisms of addiction. He also serves on the board of directors of the Washington DC-based National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE), and on the board of directors of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH).  

Getting Out of the Secret with Marnie Ferree, M.A.

Licensed marriage and family therapist Marnie Ferree joins Rob today for a conversation on healing sex and love addictions, her own story of recovery from abuse, and how our background and current culture shape the way we go about getting our needs met in love and sexual relationships. Since 1992 she has been working to advance the field of healing sexual addiction in a variety of different arenas, and is currently pioneering the first intensive workshop for female teens and adolescent sex addicts.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:20] Marnie C. Ferree, M.A. is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Nashville, where she directs and is the founder of Bethesda Workshops, a short time Christian based intensive program for sex addicts and partners. The workshop she established in 1997 for female sex addicts was the first of its kind in the country. Her book No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction was the first to address sexual addiction in women from a Christian perspective. [3:14] As a young adolescent Marnie had unresolved losses, abandonment, family dysfunction and abuse within her close circle. This had a major impact on how she paired affection and attention with sex, and her pattern of getting her needs met through intense relationships reflects the story of addiction all too often and mirrored the abuse in her childhood. [9:23] Marnie helps her clients see the unconscious patterns that emerge in their adulthood from previous abuse when looking for love and connection. They work together to alleviate some of the confusion, shame, and blame. [12:54] Marnie is seeing less overt sexual trauma in her workshops, and more of the effect coming from our sexually saturated and exploitative culture. [18:09] We are in a deep need of more honest conversations on human sexuality and the way our values and belief systems clash with the objectification of women and men in our culture. [23:09] Healing begins when someone decides to bring their secret behavior into light, whatever their problematic or dependent behavior is. [28:42] Marnie feels her work with adolescent females and their families very redemptive and rewarding.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control No Stones: Women Redeemed by Sexual Shame Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts Bethesda Workshops

It’s Okay To Be Broken with Erica Garza

Erica Garza, journalist and author of Getting Off, joins Rob for an honest and raw discussion of her past experiences with porn and sex addiction, and how it led to her now being a voice for redemption and women throughout the world.  Erica took her own shame, guilt and fear surrounding the topic and turned to a path of self-care, support and honesty. She embodies the future of female power and bravely uses her own past to light a future for those broken to recover.     TAKEAWAYS: [2:08] Loneliness was a theme from early on in Erica’s life. Around 12, she masturbated compulsively and had a sense of guilt and shame about sexuality, with little to no discussion about what was happening. She was diagnosed with scoliosis at the same age, and started to use masturbation and porn as a comfort to make herself feel better. This led to her seeking out continued experiences and scenarios that mixed pleasure and shame.   [7:53] Growing up in a family that doesn’t talk about sexuality can lead to a feeling of shame and confusion. [8:45] When someone sexualizes a sex addict an object, it may make them feel powerful and in control, but only for a short amount of time before isolation and emptiness kicks in. [11:47] Around her 30th birthday, Erica took a trip to Bali and paid more attention to self care and loving self talk. During this time she also met her future husband and found it refreshing to be accepted in her raw and vulnerable state. This inspired her to seek even more support, and take positive steps in a new direction. [19:09] Erica felt that being exposed and honest with her thoughts and feelings led to a deeper connection than she was expecting instead of the rejection she was feared. [26:51] Any trepidation of fear Erica may have of putting herself out there and exposing her story completely pales in comparison to the relief and satisfaction she gets from hearing how she inspires other women to seek help or feel better about their situation. [31:03] The internet can be both a place to run to during an addiction, and a resource for getting help.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control @EricaDGarza Erica Garza Eat, Pray, Love The Power is Within You Loose Girl

Answering Your Questions on Sex, Love, and Addiction with Dr. Rob and Tami

Rob and Tami answer a few of the most common questions that come up frequently.  Topics covered include how to know if you or your partner is an addict, porn addiction, catching your male partner looking at male porn and who to reach out to if you need support.   TAKEAWAYS: [5:36] How do you know if you or your partner are an addict? Addiction is not defined by how much and what kind, but if your involvement with this behavior affects the functioning of your life. The consequences of an addict’s behavior causes distraction and turmoil and is a driving force in their life. [9:01] For the partner that may suspect they are in a relationship with an addict - trust what you feel, trust what you see, and don’t stop at no.   [12:41] Finding out hints about a sexual partner’s life doesn’t mean they are a sexual addict, but it may mean they have something they feel ashamed or fearful to share with you. [13:25] I found my husband or boyfriend looking at male porn or have had sex with men. Is this a threat to our marriage, and will he leave me for a man? This does not automatically mean he will leave you for a man, or that he is homosexual. The first step is having an open conversation, letting him know what you found / saw, and asking him directly what it means to him. [19:04] Who can I talk to or trust with my questions around sex, love and addiction? Is it even important for me to talk to someone? Partners should not underestimate the importance of having a supportive friend, confidant or professional to trust. There are several partner support options, including reaching out to a CSAT, or Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, APSATS, CoDa, and Al-Anon. [25:08] We learn and grow best with problems that are similar to us.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control APSATS CoDa  

When You Aren’t Your Mother’s Boyfriend with Dr. Ken Adams

Rob welcomes friend and colleague Dr. Ken Adams. They discuss signs and examples of mother-enmeshed men and how it relates to sexual addiction and intimacy. problems. Dr. Adams shares his knowledge on the evolution of our sexuality, the steps to emancipation, and some gold nuggets of wisdom on what to expect if you are involved with an enmeshed man.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:08] Dr. Ken Adams lives in Michigan and has a thriving practice. His book, Silently Seduced explores how an individual’s relationships with their moms can produce the types of problems that sex addiction creates. Married to Mom to uncover why a man might seem to continually choose his mom over his partner. He began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents Program. There he became interested and devoted to working with sex addiction. [4:11] Enmeshment is a term used in family therapy field to describe when family members are too involved, and the dynamic is too close. When a mother burdens her son with expectations and inappropriate boundaries, the son may begin to feel disloyal when he has other objects of desire. He then acts out and carries out these desires on the side while feeling a tremendous amount of grief and guilt. [8:50] It is the parents job to celebrate the independence and emancipation of their children. On the flip side, it is the son’s responsibility to leave and start their own life with their own partner. [14:53] The evolution of our sexuality is primarily tied to our early care taking experiences. Emotional freedom and having a need for their own space is a running theme that comes up consistently for enmeshed men. [17:28] Emancipation involves two things: external boundaries and an internal structure of how he feels about romance, including the important task of figuring out how to parse out freedom in a commitment. [20:12] The man may project his feelings of being trapped and burdened on to his well-meaning partner, or also be drawn to someone dominating that may pull him away from his mother. [22:02] Our partner choice is not doomed based on how we grew up. It’s an inside job and a “one day at a time” solution for the mother-enmeshed man to observe what makes him feel overwhelmed and trapped, and to turn out obligations when he starts to feel smothered. [29:45] In the sex and love addicted area, females tend to struggle with overt / physical insest, and males covert / emotional insest.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Silently Seduced Married to Mom Kenneth M. Adams  

Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction with Dr. Rob!

Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction 101! Your host, Rob Weiss, is a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships and addiction. This podcast is a way to discuss these topics in frank and informative ways. Rob will talk with everyone from experts from around the world to regular people just looking to make their relationships better.     In today’s episode, Rob breaks down what sex addiction is, and isn’t. He also discusses the recovery of sex and love addiction, and resources on ways to further expand your education on the topic.   TAKEAWAYS [1:17] Sex addiction is a repetitive pattern of using sexual fantasy and behavior as a way to escape difficult feelings or emotions. It is a lifelong struggle, and is not the same thing as sexual orientation or gender identity. [6:29] Rob equates a sex addiction to an eating disorder in the way that we have a primal need, but it can become disruptive and harmful to our normal lives. [8:44] The life of a sex addict ends up being a double life, and many times affection and connection is compartmentalized away from intensity, fantasy and stimulation. [11:36] It is rarely about the partner, and addicts may try to blame their spouse to take some of the distractions away from their own compulsion and need for recovery. [14:19] Sex addicts have a responsibility to work on themselves, get support and commit to recovery. [16:02] Real love is knowing someone fully, and accepting them fully as they are. It takes about two years to truly know and understand who someone is. The love addict looks for these experiences with blinders on to soothe and mask their loneliness, obsession and emptiness. [19:44] Rob explains how sex and love use pleasure to escape reality, and how Intermittent Reinforcement is used to perpetuate this behavior and lose focus of the reality of the situation. [23:55] Being a sex addict does not excuse the behavior, but does mean there is a lot of work to be done in order to clean up their act.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Out of the Shadows Always Turned On Charlotte Kasl Brenda Schaeffer