Sex, Love, and Addiction

When You Aren’t Your Mother’s Boyfriend with Dr. Ken Adams

Rob welcomes friend and colleague Dr. Ken Adams. They discuss signs and examples of mother-enmeshed men and how it relates to sexual addiction and intimacy. problems. Dr. Adams shares his knowledge on the evolution of our sexuality, the steps to emancipation, and some gold nuggets of wisdom on what to expect if you are involved with an enmeshed man.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:08] Dr. Ken Adams lives in Michigan and has a thriving practice. His book, Silently Seduced explores how an individual’s relationships with their moms can produce the types of problems that sex addiction creates. Married to Mom to uncover why a man might seem to continually choose his mom over his partner. He began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents Program. There he became interested and devoted to working with sex addiction. [4:11] Enmeshment is a term used in family therapy field to describe when family members are too involved, and the dynamic is too close. When a mother burdens her son with expectations and inappropriate boundaries, the son may begin to feel disloyal when he has other objects of desire. He then acts out and carries out these desires on the side while feeling a tremendous amount of grief and guilt. [8:50] It is the parents job to celebrate the independence and emancipation of their children. On the flip side, it is the son’s responsibility to leave and start their own life with their own partner. [14:53] The evolution of our sexuality is primarily tied to our early care taking experiences. Emotional freedom and having a need for their own space is a running theme that comes up consistently for enmeshed men. [17:28] Emancipation involves two things: external boundaries and an internal structure of how he feels about romance, including the important task of figuring out how to parse out freedom in a commitment. [20:12] The man may project his feelings of being trapped and burdened on to his well-meaning partner, or also be drawn to someone dominating that may pull him away from his mother. [22:02] Our partner choice is not doomed based on how we grew up. It’s an inside job and a “one day at a time” solution for the mother-enmeshed man to observe what makes him feel overwhelmed and trapped, and to turn out obligations when he starts to feel smothered. [29:45] In the sex and love addicted area, females tend to struggle with overt / physical insest, and males covert / emotional insest.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Silently Seduced Married to Mom Kenneth M. Adams  

Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction with Dr. Rob!

Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction 101! Your host, Rob Weiss, is a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships and addiction. This podcast is a way to discuss these topics in frank and informative ways. Rob will talk with everyone from experts from around the world to regular people just looking to make their relationships better.     In today’s episode, Rob breaks down what sex addiction is, and isn’t. He also discusses the recovery of sex and love addiction, and resources on ways to further expand your education on the topic.   TAKEAWAYS [1:17] Sex addiction is a repetitive pattern of using sexual fantasy and behavior as a way to escape difficult feelings or emotions. It is a lifelong struggle, and is not the same thing as sexual orientation or gender identity. [6:29] Rob equates a sex addiction to an eating disorder in the way that we have a primal need, but it can become disruptive and harmful to our normal lives. [8:44] The life of a sex addict ends up being a double life, and many times affection and connection is compartmentalized away from intensity, fantasy and stimulation. [11:36] It is rarely about the partner, and addicts may try to blame their spouse to take some of the distractions away from their own compulsion and need for recovery. [14:19] Sex addicts have a responsibility to work on themselves, get support and commit to recovery. [16:02] Real love is knowing someone fully, and accepting them fully as they are. It takes about two years to truly know and understand who someone is. The love addict looks for these experiences with blinders on to soothe and mask their loneliness, obsession and emptiness. [19:44] Rob explains how sex and love use pleasure to escape reality, and how Intermittent Reinforcement is used to perpetuate this behavior and lose focus of the reality of the situation. [23:55] Being a sex addict does not excuse the behavior, but does mean there is a lot of work to be done in order to clean up their act.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Out of the Shadows Always Turned On Charlotte Kasl Brenda Schaeffer