Sex, Love, and Addiction

What Men Caught Cheating Need To Know with Dr. Rob and Tami

This week, Rob is joined this week by his compadre and sidekick, Tami VerHelst. They discuss a topic and challenge that comes up so often that it inspired Rob’s book, Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating. Rob shares how he wrote a book to help men, but knew that the women in their lives would purchase (and possibly throw at them). Rob and Tami also discuss cheating in the digital age, what men typically do that makes the situation worse, and some steps that will actually heal relationships.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:58] Men tend to be problem solvers, and jump in and offer solutions right off the bat. What struck Rob is that the problem of infidelity and betrayal is one they aren’t so good at, and tend to solve it with gifts, and get impatient when that doesn’t work. [5:50] The title from Out of the Doghouse came from the concept of a video where a woman gets an unwanted vacuum as a gift, and banishes her husband to the doghouse. There, he meets other men guilty of similarly heinous crimes, and they conspire on how to get a reprieve and return back to normal life. [6:32] Women buy 95% of all self help books. [7:49] Rob redefines infidelity in the digital age as the keeping of profound secrets in relationships. What tends to break people’s hearts is not that their partner had sex with someone else, but that they were lied to, deceived, or that details were omitted. [12:01] Men are more able to compartmentalize, and women tend to be more holistic thinkers. They may see a one night stand or even an affair as something that has nothing to do with their primary relationship, whereas their partner will be devastated and hurt. [14:03] Tami gets many emails and messages of women catching their partner with another male. It doesn’t matter who or what gender the betrayal is with, infidelity still hurts and can destroy their relationship. [16:11] The worst thing a man can do is blame their woman or partner for their cheating or need to step out of the relationship. The man must take responsibility for their actions, and the outcome of their decision. [17:50] Other things men do after a betrayal that don’t work: asking for forgiveness shortly after while the pain is still raw, giving gifts and financial demonstrations of love, continuing to cheat, blaming their partner for their anger. [21:12] A few steps from Out of the Doghouse that are proven steps towards repairing a relationship: men must have empathy for their betrayed partner, and display an understanding that they have caused the pain. Men should actively disclose the general details to their partner, but make sure it is in a professionally supportive environment. [26:05] It is important for men to be sure they want to stay in their relationship, and are sincere about staying before they jump into all of the healing work.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Beware of the Doghouse Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men   QUOTES: “Men just don’t seem to be particularly good at healing a betrayal wound with a spouse.” “It’s important to understand that it’s what is agreed upon in the relationship, and that it is the deceit that undermines the relationship.” - Tami “Cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.” “The most devastating thing you can do to your partner is blame them for your cheating.” “If you’ve been caught cheating, put everything on the table.”

Relationship Between Trauma and Addiction with Dr. Christine Courtois

Dr. Christine Courtois is a leader and trailblazer in the world of trauma and sexual addiction. Over the past 30 years, she has developed treatment approaches for complex posttraumatic and dissociative conditions that have been ahead of its time and is one of the first trauma professionals to create the field of modern trauma therapy. Today, she talks about both the similarities, the differences and the disconnect between the trauma and the addiction world, and ways she sees that shifting to bring more education and understanding between the two. She and Rob also discuss emerging research in the field, why looking at the past can help us move forward in the future, and what support and information are out there for childhood abuse and how it may affect adult life.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:52] The first step of trauma treatment is safety, which is the first step of sexual addiction treatment as well. [3:41] Christine feels we are making progress in helping addiction professionals understand trauma history, and trauma professionals see how big a role addictions play in child abuse and complex trauma. There is still a long way to go, however, before we fully see addiction co-addressed with the trauma from the start of treatment. [5:40] Addiction itself is traumatic, especially to a dependent child. [7:24] The money paid by the government for mental health goes to a completely different silo than for addiction treatment, even though professionals understand the two are often intertwined. [9:42] The training for trauma professionals to assess addiction was not at the forefront over the past years, and Christine makes one of her biggest priorities to expand knowledge about trauma in areas that need more awareness. [12:05] Working with a complex trauma is much like doing addiction treatment. [15:40] In 12 Step programs, the term 13th Stepping refers to when one is sober and they decide to start dating or sleeping with partners to feel better rather than focus on their healing. [17:51] In someone with both a trauma or addiction, often there are many betrayals that have occurred interpersonally. [19:50] It’s not about blaming bad parents or situations, it’s about uncovering the influence certain things had upon a person. While we can’t change the fact these events happened, they can serve as a vehicle to understand more of what’s going on today so that they can take accountability in moving forward with their lives. [27:34] Often in treatment, one is able to come to terms with who their parents really were and accept that it’s up to them to learn it as an adult and take responsibility for their own healing. It is also beneficial to look at the attachment style of their parents, and what they got in their own childhood as a model to pass down to their own offspring. [34:03] Christine’s advice to those in the field would be to make sure there is education, self-knowledge, and support systems set in place.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Christine Courtois ACES.ORG It’s Not You, It’s What Happened To You: Complex Trauma and Treatment by Christine Courtois ISTSS ISST-D

Restarting Your Sex Life with Dr. Pat Love

Dr. Pat Love is known for warmth, humor, and her practical and research based wisdom. Her work has taken her around the world to help people understand and improve their relationships through just about every platform including magazines, TV, blogs, and workshops. Today, she talks about the inspiration she gains by new research and information in the field, how she brings couples together when there have been many years of distance and the formula for desire and true passion. She also gives a formula for passion and intimacy, the strongest predictors of longevity in relationships and the three key elements that make up real life trust.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:28] Dr. Pat Love has numerous amount of blog posts, You Tube clips, trainings and workshops that have made her a renowned relationship consultant. She is also a distinguished professor, licensed marriage and family therapist, and long-standing clinical member and approved supervisor in American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. [4:26] More research is coming out everyday to support the evidence that being there for each other during not only the fun times, but the tough ones as well is one of the main keys to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. [5:42] Many of Rob’s clients struggle and wonder how they will be sexual with their partner after there has been a betrayal. [7:11] One of Dr. Love’s motivations for writing her book Hot Monogamy was to dig in and process how to feel intimacy again when there has been a betrayal. [9:21] There are two pathways to desire, there are autogenic and psychogenic. We often stereotype all women to be “brains” and men to be “body” in term of desire, but it is more like a continuum. [11:58] The formula Dr. Love came up with in Hot Monogamy is P(passion)=S2i (two sexual beings joined by sexual intimacy). [14:21] One of the strongest predictors of longevity is emotional regulation, the ability to calm, soothe and cheer yourself no matter what is happening. [16:16] The three steps to build trust: Say what you are going to do; Do it; Repeat steps 1 and 2. [18:09] Infatuation lowers our defenses, and the desire and brain chemistry cocktail leads us to focus only on the positive instead of processing negatives. [19:55] The all too common phase of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” isn’t always something to break up over. Often times, it presents a critical moment where the infatuation has passed and you are at the threshold of true love. [23:56] Dr. Love adapts her model and teachings based on the current research and information, and Hot Monogamy will be updated to reflect the digital age. [28:47] Dr. Love shares her experience of getting her hormones checked and taking testosterone for a couple months. She saw that all the sexual cues that related to her desire were screaming at her under the influence of 1 cc of testosterone. [32:34] The discussion of “chore play” is important for taking the time to relax, and block out some time to create desire.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Pat Love Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking by Dr. Patricia Love @Pat Love facebook @DrPatLove twitter pat@patlove.com   QUOTES: “The good thing about what we do is the research keeps going out.” - P “You will never have passion without intimacy” - P “There’s a limit on how many chandeliers you will hang from, but there is no limit to intimacy.” “Vintage love, tried and true love, makes infatuation pale by comparison.” “I’m halfway between genius and stupid.” “If I even think about patting my husbands butt, I do it.” “Sex takes some work if you want a healthy sex life. You have to be proactive.”

Understanding Millennials and Porn Addiction with Gabe Deem

Gabe Deem is a strong voice when it comes to the issue of porn addiction, and his passion and drive helps offer encouragement, advice and support to both men and women during the recovery process. Today, Gabe shares his work and drive behind Reboot Nation, a free online community with over 11,000 members that helps addicts and their partners overcome problems related to porn use. He and Rob also talk about the ways that he educates himself to stay current on the subject, his own story of porn use and the dysfunction it led to, and interest in the neurochemical processes behind addiction.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:32] Gabe became dependent on porn and developed porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) at the age of 23. [2:42] Early on in Gabe’s recovery, he wanted to go straight to the source and educate himself on porn addiction. He thought there was no better way than to go to those leading the discussions, hence why he attends conferences to get in the conversation in order to share awareness and help future generations. [3:46] When it’s articulated in a simple way, young men and women can see just how large an effect a stimulus like porn can have upon our sexuality. [5:07] Reboot Nation does have a separate section for women, and Gabe seeks to provide a safe space for women to meet their needs. [7:23] Gabe considers himself recovered, rather than an addict. [9:44] In his work, Gabe finds that most men that developed youthful sexual dysfunctions were exposed to porn at a very early age. He was looking at porn since age 8, and that was a crucial factor in his conditioned response to arousal. [12:09] What really started to change things for Gabe was when he dove into the neuroscience behind porn addiction and sexual conditioning. [14:12] Rob’s “cheesecake theory” explains that if you eat cheesecake everyday and come to expect it, your brain is going to wire itself to really not want broccoli, plain toast, or anything but cheesecake. [15:58] Gabe considers himself pro-education, not anti porn. He considers his message empowering, and gives people hope with the message that it is possible to regain their sexuality and steer themselves towards a healthy sex life. [22:41] Gabe and Rob seek to bring the two different populations of porn addicts and sex addicts together, and realize that although they require different treatment, one can help the other. [24:05] Although Gabe didn’t feel personal shame for watching porn, his chronic use through adolescence led to opportunity addiction, where he rewired his brain to a point that led to sexual dysfunction. [26:19] VR is going to bring a whole new experience into the world of porn and addiction. [26:38] Gabe shares his own personal story on his experience with porn dependency and dysfunction. [28:32] The porn induced ED test is an important gauge to gain clarity on where the dysfunction is rooted in. [30:48] Gabe encourages everyone to seek professional help if they think they need it, or if they are having trouble going through the Reboot. [34:13] Reboot Nation has a section for partners of porn addicts as well, and hopefully coming soon a section for professionals to learn more.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Reboot Nation @GabeDeem @Reboot_Nation Addicted to Internet Porn with Noah Church AASECT Your Brain On Porn Sexual Compulsives Anonymous Paula Hall Reboot Nation YouTube   QUOTES: “I think people are responding to the practical information that we didn’t have growing up.” “When you bring people together that have a common problem, they are really motivated to support each other.” “The knowledge of the potential of rewiring your reward circuit at a young age is something I think everyone should know of.” “I found out that my pursuit of internet porn actually ended up taking the one thing I thought it would give me - sexual pleasure.” “The common misconception is that a porn addict is a 40 year old virgin in their mother’s basement. I was completely the opposite.”

Addicted to Internet Porn with Noah Church

Noah Church is an expert, recovery coach, speaker and author of Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn,  and evolution of the porn addiction treatment world. Today, he talks about the difference between addiction and dysfunction, his own personal experience and struggle with porn addiction, the ways porn and sex addiction differ, and what he is doing to make a difference.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:12] Noah himself began using porn at age 9. At 24, he realized how much of a negative impact his porn use had on the rest of his life, and knew he had to seek help and change things around. [3:41] In both porn and sex addiction, there is a stigma to fight, and people that need support. In sex addiction, Rob has seen a deep early trauma, and a pervasive intimacy disorder that affects their dating life and general ability to function in any sort of healthy relationship. [5:51] Noah has the perspective of someone that both has gone through porn addiction, and someone that helps others recover in their own struggles. [9:25] When Noah was 18 and in his first long term relationship, he experienced difficulty with sexual intimacy and what he would later learn to be was porn induced erectile dysfunction. The pattern repeated up until Noah had graduated from college, and he confronted the issue and recognized it was something he needed to leave behind. [16:53] It was when Noah watched Gary Wilson’s TEDx talk on “The great porn experiment” that he began an understanding of recovery and a light at the end of the tunnel. He began sharing his experience online, and even shared his experiences with his romantic partner. [21:54] If you were exposed to porn in an excessive way before puberty, it’s going to cause damage. Fetishes typically develop around ages 9-11. [25:25] Noah sees a blurry middle between a sex addict and a porn addict. Some of his clients have a primary porn addiction which has escalated into engaging in destructive sexual behavior, and some have never had sex. [28:12] Virtual Reality porn will present a whole new host of issues and challenges in both porn and sex addiction. While VR may be more addictive than the state of porn now, we will have to wait and see how it affects real life intimacy. [32:37] Only 20 states in the nation offer sex education, and of those 20 states, 12 require parental permission.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn by Noah B.E. Church The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow Your Brain Rebalanced Addicted to Internet Porn   QUOTES: “Over time, curiosity became compulsion, and it began to replace my drive to actually connect with the people in my life.” “I didn’t have any trauma that led me to pornography, but the pornography led me to trauma.” “It’s not about what you are looking at or how often, it’s about how it’s affecting your life as a whole.” “Addiction thrives in isolation and secrecy. It feels good to break down those walls.”

Mother Hunger with Kelly McDaniel

Kelly McDaniel is an expert on women and addiction. Her deep empathy in the field helps women find, develop and be okay with themselves despite the trauma that may have occurred in early attachment. Today, she speaks about her upcoming book “Mother Hunger”, the lasting patterns that emerge due to early trauma, and how Mother Hunger treatment is different that typical sex and love addiction treatment.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:04] Kelly McDaniel, LPC, NCC, CST, maintains a private practice in Nashville, where she specializes in the treatment of adults and couples. In addition, she is an EMDR trained therapist and member in the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), and holds an education of an MA from Georgetown University and St. Mary’s University. [1:39] In 2008, Kelly’s first book “Ready to Heal” came out, written for women healing from addictive love and sex. The book kicked off that women needed gender-specific information in a culture that objectifies female bodies and women’s wisdom. [2:38] In 2012, the second edition was expanded to include a chapter on McDaniel’s original term “Mother Hunger​.” Mother Hunger​ is a concept that has assisted both clinicians and clients to identify the origin of addictive relationships and foster the healing process. Currently, Kelly is offering two, three-day therapeutic Intensives for women who are exploring their relational patterns in depth. [5:31] Kelly finds her work resonates with both clinicians and the women that seek help. [7:02] Kelly defines “Mother Hunger” as a form of pre-verbal trauma that occurs in early attachment (5 weeks into conception in utero to age 3) that affects a woman’s belief system, physiology, psychology and relationship capacity. [8:37] A neglected child that is left hungry for connection, touch or love will turn to dissociation, or a freeze state, in order to protect and comfort themselves. [13:32] Our most basic idea of what a good partner would be is deeply affected when we are neglected or abused. When Kelly works with women in betrayal, it is a replay of the original wound and a map of where to go to heal. [17:22] The first ways we take in the world are through our mother’s love and some form of feeding and nourishment. These traumas are related to our most primitive stages of love, and continue to play romantically with both our current day lovers and support system or lack thereof. [20:46] Crisis is when your emotions and intellect is out of balance, and you are so invested emotionally in a situation that you are not thinking clearly. When those who have Mother Hunger get into a relationship, they get weighed down by the emotional need that comes up with the possibility of finally being loved. [21:37] Mother Hunger treatment is very different than standard sex and love addiction treatment. It is more related to the treatment in EMDR and somatic training, and sitting inside the grief for a longer intensive amount of time. [24:04] Women with Mother Hunger haven’t yet built a sense of identity, community or trust within themselves and others. [27:25] We profoundly underestimate postpartum depression and how that affect the ability to give love and nurturing. [29:39] The trauma forms before language, and is wired in to the body as the norm for what the world feels like. [31:30] Women with Mother Hunger transfer their attachment needs to men early on.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Kelly McDaniel Ready to Heal: Breaking Free of Addictive Relationships Mother Hunger Partner Hope Dr. Kenneth Adams Christine Courtois   QUOTES: “There is a huge gap between I am safe and I feel safe that goes into adulthood.” “If your responsiveness from your most important caregiver is impaired from the start, then you don’t even have a sense of what normal or healthy is, because you have never experienced it.” “Our first love is our mother.” “Women gain strength from each other. One of the ways healthy women even tolerate men are with the help of other women.”

Addiction, Impulsivity, and the Commitment to Change with Paula Hall

Since Paula Hall’s work in the field began over 15 years ago, she has seen many shifts in the way we treat and educate surrounding sexual addiction and sexual impulsivity. She is now a leader, and between her own work at The Laurel Centre, her 9 published books and her team of 20 people in growing locations, she is a voice for change and empathy for both men and women struggling with addiction. She talks today about the difference in approach that the UK has towards addiction, gives a sneak peek into her upcoming book Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples, and what she sees for the future of giving individuals and couples hope and direction.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:09] At a time when she was working in private practice, Paula attended a sex therapy conference and saw there were just a handful of speakers on the subject. Once she saw it was being recognized as an addiction with pragmatic relapse strategies and recovery work, it made sense to apply this model. Since she was familiar in working with the model of drug addiction, she decided to further her training in sexual addiction. [4:08] It took Paula four years to get her first book published, as every publisher she went to said there was no market in sex addiction. [7:55] The US and UK come from different directions in the field of sexual addiction. Awareness of sexual compulsivity and addiction came in America through the lens of addiction. In England, the concept came out of sexology, where sex in all of it’s non offensive forms are considered healthy and normative. In the UK, the 12 Steps are used in chemical addiction treatment, but not heavily for sexual addiction treatment and recovery. [10:56] To Rob, the word “addiction” means access to a lifelong resource of free support, examples of recovery and shame reduction. If we de-stigmatize addiction and the connotations that the 12 Steps must be done in accordance with religion, that may help the negative associations that go along with the treatment. [14:15] In Europe they are more liberal in certain ways, but when you have more choice it brings more responsibility. The challenge Paula sees is one of seeing moderation as prudish and limiting. [16:38] Writing Sex Addiction: The Guide for Couples was the hardest book Paula has ever written, primarily because working with couples is a multi layered and complex experience. There are two people with different perspectives and fractured agenda on the past, present and future. Paula reminds us there are some things you can not compromise on - two examples are values and children. [22:04] Paula uses the metaphor of a ship that has been hit by a tidal wave to describe what happens to couples when there is a betrayal or sex addiction All crew members must scramble to safety, and drag the relationship back to the harbor to assess the damage without creating any more damage. Then, it is hard work and dedication to get every aspect of intimacy back, building it up from the ground floor.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction: A comprehensive guide for people who struggle with sex addiction and those who want to help them by Paula Hall Sex Addiction and the Partners Perspective A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and Surviving Sex Addiction For Partners and Those Who Want to Help Them by Paula Hall We Need to Talk About Sex Addiction - TEDx The Laurel Center   QUOTES: “Conservatism and moral issues in American culture make it so much easier to pathologize or call things sex addiction that aren’t”.  - R “In the UK we aren’t pathologizing sexual diversity, because most of us are trained in it.” “Couples work has been the hardest work I have ever done. There is nothing like the couple with sex addiction.” “If you do really good work as a therapist, you are no longer needed.” “Quite literally, often times one partner finds a freedom at a the cost of their partner.”

Codependence vs. Prodependence with Carol the Coach

Carol Juergensen Sheets, aka “Carol the Coach”, has a passion for understanding trauma, disconnection and isolation, and using her gifts to help both sex addicts and betrayed partners through their darkest moments and into the light of healing. She also loves to use media and broadcasting to spread her message to millions, in a judgment and blame freeway. Today, she talks with Rob about her work in partner focused treatment, her radio show on Blog Talk Radio that receives more than half a million listeners weekly, the concept of blame, guilt and remorse in addiction and the shift she has seen in the field over the past decade. Carol has a deep enthusiasm for her work, and it is apparent in her work as a therapist, coach, media personality or caring member of the community.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:32] Carol has an affinity for disseminating information to the public on a wide scale. Her podcast is one of the oldest, and now has half a million downloads per week. She helps people globally, interviews leading experts and helps colleagues and clinicians gather cutting edge education to bring back in their work.   [7:26] Carol compiled a book in sex addiction, Sexual Addiction: Wisdom from the Masters, that she donated to the American Federation of Research. This body of work served to share the wisdom on a wide range of topics on addiction, compulsion and partner betrayal.   8:16] When Dr. Patrick Carnes appeared on Carol’s radio show, he brought up the notion that suffering and trauma of addiction and betrayal can actually be a precursor for growth, healing and connection.   [9:46] If a partner is acting out and is in a deep and enduring relationship, there is a higher chance they will feel remorse than an individual that is unable to connect. Relationships provide a depth of learning, and isolation continues the process of sexual addiction.   [10:45] It it often helpful for partners to hear that the compulsions and of their sex addict partner started earlier than their relationship. This may help take a large burden of remorse off their backs, and realize they did not cause the behavior and it was present long before their coupling.   [12:18] Carol shares how she noticed a shift in the field around 2007 in how the partners were acknowledged in their deep pain, and not blamed from a model of codependence and causation. She began in to invite them in to her sessions, and realized they needed their own specialized help. She got involved with APSATS, The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, and within a year was training her own colleagues. Partner betrayal is still seen as a deficit area, and Carol supports crisis management both separately AND together between the partner and the addict.   [17:01] Conflict breeds intimacy when partners are able to work through their grief and restore and develop a foundation of safety and stabilization. Once there is full disclosure in the early couples recovery work, couples can begin to work on empathy. The addict must acknowledge the issues, validate the partner’s feelings and reassure the partner that he or she can begin to feel safe. Partners  also must work through their shame, or the blame from others around them from staying with a sex addict.   [21:55] Carol speaks upon an older model that looked at partners with the same need for confrontation as their sex addict partners, even adding the label of codependence. Now, we realize that this is a person in crisis reacting to the betrayal trauma, and they need support rather than blame.   [29:27] Remorse is a natural part of grief, and it is common for the spouse to already blame themselves on some level for their partner’s betrayal. Carol works with her clients on building up their sense of worth and belief that they are deserving of honesty, truth and love.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency APSATS American Federation of Medical Research Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal Sex Addiction: Wisdom from the Masters Esther Perel Carol the Coach carol@carolthecoach.com Sex Help with Carol the Coach Sex Help with Carol the Coach - You Tube Blog Talk Radio - Sex Help with Carol the Coach Betrayal Recovery Radio   QUOTES: “With sexual addiction and partner trauma, we aren’t going to get as far as we need to go unless we have the research to substantiate what we know to be true.”   “Suffering can be the precursor for post traumatic growth.” “Isolation is at the root of sexual addiction.” “The addict carries the shame, but the partner carries the pain.” - Esther Perel In any coupleship, there are issues that both people contribute towards or contaminate. Sexual addiction is not one of them.” “Connection is the antidote to suffering.”

Love is Everlasting with Dr. Harville Hendrix

Dr. Harville Hendrix is an international expert in the field of human intimacy and human relationships, and is dedicated to teaching individuals what love is in both feeling and action. Today, he talks about the crucial steps in a relationship before love can even enter the picture, and the interesting way our unconscious minds match us with our partners.   He and his wife Helen authored the best-seller Getting the Love You Want, and draw from over 40 years of working with couples to get to the root of how we can be curious instead of judgemental and find ourselves through our relationships. Lastly, they talk about Imago, their work in education and their work helping couples understand each other even in the most painful of circumstances.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:54] Even before love happens in a relationship, there must be a differentiation process where we become aware that our partner is not a figment of our imagination here on this earth to love us in exactly the manners we think are best. Until that process occurs, real love cannot yet be born. [5:07] The highest divorce rate is year 7. [5:54] During courtship and early stages of marriage, partners have a tendency to conform to the “perfect person” for their partner. [6:52] Polar energy is needed for interest, and if we end up marrying the exact same type of person as us, that will lead to a couple feeling disinterested, not challenged and eventually disengaged. [8:52] We tend to unconsciously seek out our partners for the same needs we are looking to find in our caretakers. Caretakers may be neglectful or intrusive, and this absence occurs both in single family homes and intact homes. [10:10] It’s typically about 2 years in to a relationship when we see real differences start to come out, the fantasy is unmasked and the partner is left triggered, confused, and anxious. This need for the symbiotic relationship to be back may often lead to compensatory behaviors. [13:01] If we become curious instead of reactive, that will lead us to really understand our partner, and see both them and ourselves clearly. [16:31] It is a huge loss when couples see the illusion, and walk away from an opportunity. [18:31] 20 out of 50 states have mandatory sexual education in schools, and of the 20 states, 12 require parental consent. [20:17] Dr. Hendrix recounts a story about a couple he met that was from an arranged marriage, and he found they had similar expectations and challenges than a couple that met organically. [24:41] Context is just as important as the self, and what gives birth to the individual. [26:39] Imago Relationship Therapy has been in the culture for 30 years, and is a three step dialog process to help people connect, talk and listen. [32:40] Talking can be the the most dangerous thing people do. Dr. Hendrix is concerned with strengthening the health, safety and dialogue of a couple when he is working with them. [35:06] Learning better relationship and conversational skills is something that can benefit people both in personal and professional relationships.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Getting the Love You Want Harville & Helen Five Stages of Grief Safe Conversations Leadership Training Imago Imago Training Relationships First   QUOTES: “Love has to be love of the real, rather than love of the fantasy.” “There is a collusion to become symbiotic with each other.” “Instead of judgement and criticism, we can shift to curiosity.” “When the energy dies and the love dies, now is the time for growth to begin.” “If you do not feel safe with your partner, you can not connect with your partner.”

Women in Sex and Love Addiction with Staci Sprout

Staci Sprout, author of Naked in Public, therapist and speaker joins the show today to share her experience of over 24 years working with couples, individuals and groups on sex and love addiction. She discusses her current project, where she dedicates her time and expertise to train therapists on how to better work with females, and how to broach different perspectives and reasons for acting out. She and Rob also talk about cultural issues in dating, women using porn and ways people can find connection and love in a healthy and productive manner.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] Staci is a gender variant woman and doesn’t fit the typical bell curve profile of a female in recovery. There are certain qualities that have been typically more masculine in a traditional sense, such as identifying herself as an addict in her book Naked in Public. [4:41] Many women hate the term sex addict, and struggle with shame and oppression in society over their sexual identity in the first place. Others will identify with it almost as a badge of honor, which is more rare yet found in the younger generation. [6:31] The majority of female sex addicts tend to act in ways that are more in pursuit of unavailable partnerships, staying in abusive relationships, or other relationship and emotionally driven situations. [7:17] Staci wrote Naked in Public from the perspective of a female addict that we typically see in men. This includes behavior and a mindset leading to casual and unattached sex, typically with many partners. [12:17] The longing for love and connection is so powerful, and we can still be drawn into implicit longing and cravings if these needs are not met. A large part of Staci’s recovery is being able to do what she does consciously, and observe impulses and cravings without judgement or shame. [16:03] A woman that doesn't know how to date the right man isn’t broken, and shouldn’t give up on love. [17:23] One of the signs of mental dis-ease is when your emotions and intellect are out of balance, and you lose the ability to make a good intellectual choice. Having a supportive community that you can share with, is a human and healthy need. [21:44] Our culture is still waking up to the power of attachment, and open to learning new ways of picking partners and finding intimate and meaningful connections.   [25:44] As exposure to porn is getting younger, Staci cites a study where at least 1 in 3 women watch porn every week, and 1 in 10 every day. In an ever evolving technological world, therapists must find a way to factor in online addiction with the human needs in love and sex. [29:02] Rob and Staci discuss what dating is, and what it is not. Hands off, lights on! Enjoying coffee for an hour or two then parting ways is healthy, and part of the forgotten fun of courtship is taking your time to get to know someone.   [32:29] Distress tolerance is good for reclaiming the innocence of dating and vulnerability. Often times people move too quickly or give up on love entirely because of a past bad experience, having no clue how to date in the first place, or having no support to bounce ideas and fears off of.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Naked in Public Staci Sprout Sex and Relationship Healing Live Webinar Staci’s Support Group Marie Claire - How Porn Affects Women’s Lives   QUOTES: “We need to look at our language, and find a language that will help women feel seen, mirrored and valued.” “There’s just not enough female informed approaches, and then women I work with are always educating me.” “We can teach you how to love better, and find communities where you can get the love that you need without having the abuse accompany it.” “Sugar and sex are two of the things that kids have to reach to.” “Not all of us are the best picker. Sometimes we need help picking.” “One of the most important things is who someone lets close to them, both emotionally and physically.”