Sex, Love, and Addiction

The Cultural Era of Narcissism with Tara Lemasters

In a world of self-centered social media and “it’s about me” culture, the work Tara Lemasters is doing is of utmost importance. Tara is a Licensed Therapist and an expert on the issue of narcissism, what it is and what it’s not, and our need to understand more deeply what a diagnosis of narcissism means. She and Rob also discuss when exhibitions of narcissism are normal and healthy vs. when self-obsession begins to take a turn into something much darker, and the difference between narcissist self-obsession and real empathy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:24] Narcissism is almost something that is correlated with addiction. Most people that have problems with drugs and alcohol also have problems with how they see themselves. [2:05] Over the past 5 years, the term narcissism has become embraced in every relationship situation in our culture. The problem is not the word itself, but when a narcissist finds themselves more attached to their needs and addictions then the people they care about, with no fear of suffering consequences. [4:00] The term Narcissism is derived from Narcissus, a figure from Greek Mythology. This mythical being was so handsome that he fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. [4:53] Our material and outward focused culture supports narcissism and the belief of “I must have / get more to succeed and be liked.” Social media also supports the tendency for us to show off or portray certain things to get likes or shares, making us feel more important and connected. [6:22] Rob explains how every addict is a narcissist when engaged in their addictions. It shows up in sex addicts when it is an abandonment of core values and beliefs, at the expense of compartmentalizing what they want, when they want it. The addicts puts the need to satisfy their own needs above others, and hide it so they can have their cake and eat it too. [9:38] Tara believes that the process of healing is a process of creating greater empathy for oneself personally, and for the people in their life that their actions have an impact on. When Tara’s clients start to experience grief regarding how their actions have affected who they loved ones, a crack of empathy starts to come through. [11:20] In the early stages of healing, Rob often sees narcissist self-obsession, where the addict is worried or upset about how judgements hurts and affects them, and their self image. Later on in the healing process, when they feel true empathy, the focus will be on how their actions impacted their loved ones. [13:14] Expectations do not always reflect reality when a partner wishes for their narcissist partner to heal and deal with their issue quickly. It may often take a while, and this can be very frustrating for a partner whose world has been shattered. Tara recommends that the hurt partner focus as much as they can on self-care and finding support of their own. [19:57] Narcissistic people tend to lack empathy, so they will do whatever pleases them the most, and not think about how that affects the people around them. There is a difference between narcissism and sociopathy, where narcissism tend to have intact remorse which may be brought out during treatment, but sociopaths are incapable of feeling empathy whatsoever. [24:46] Most men are problem solvers, and want to fix the problem they created. Their version of making things better may be radically different than how long it takes for their partner to heal from the hurt of their actions. [30:49] After a betrayal and initial trust is broken, it can never be the same again. Partners must rebuild together from the ground up, and it’s very similar to rebuilding a house from scratch.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men Narcissus in Greek Mythology Tara LeMasters   QUOTES: “Narcissism implies that the externals is going to help determine how you think of me. Our culture certainly supports that.”   “An addict by definition is a narcissist.”   “Real empathy is not about you at all. It’s about understanding what others are going through as a result of how you treated them.”  

Celebrating Community, Opening Dialogue and Changing the Game: Dr. James Wadley

Dr. James Wadley is on a mission to bring openness and community to those from all walks of life that may otherwise have shied away from stepping forward to get help for themselves or their families. He is an advocate and voice for healing across the world and is passionate about working with both those in the community and training the professional leaders that work with them. He is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services program at The Lincoln University and licensed professional counselor in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is the founding editor of the scholarly, interdisciplinary journal, the Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships (University of Nebraska Press).   Dr. Wadley talks with Rob about his background in education and educational leadership, his program development to help African Americans know where to turn when seeking treatment, and ways to improve the current structure so everyone feels welcome and deserving to be part of whatever it is that will serve them towards their health. He and Rob also discuss the ways that African American communities are typically underserved when it comes to mental health and addiction programs, especially sexual addiction, how we can help minorities step out of the hidden secrets of addiction and into the light of healing and hope.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:52] Dr. Wadley has worked with African Americans and minority groups for many decades, and still finds misconceptions, and mistrust around the community and medical and mental health professions. It is great for someone struggling to get initial support and advice from a member in the community or social group, but non-medical help can only go so far, and oftentimes their response comes from a pre existing belief, stereotype or myth. [5:06] Dr. Wadley and his colleagues actively try to work towards people having a “sex positive” approach towards sexuality. This means facing and dealing with the stigma and trauma of sexual expression in the African decent, whether it’s stereotypes surrounding the community, or the way they express their own sexual identity. [7:16] Rob and Dr. Wadley run into the same type of problems, but in different ways. Minority groups tend to not seek out professional help for their issue, and even when they do, the factor of access and finding a professional of a similar minority is usually of importance as well. [8:18] Although other cultures deal with sexual addiction just as much as the white culture, there are several factors that make up why they seek professional and 12-step treatment groups less. First, if they walk in and see that they are the only representative of their minority, they are less likely to open up and share, thus reducing the likelihood of ever returning again. [11:08] Dr. Wadley finds that spending time in the community is a way to at least open the conversation with people regarding their sexual behavior and help them get their guard down to see that there is no judgement or stigma around seeking help. [15:08] Dr. Wadley credits a lot of his success to the positive and inspirational people around him. [18:02] Although the communities may be different, the pain and shame of addiction is the same across the board no matter race or ethnicity. The top sexual issues among Rob’s young male clients are the same as Dr. Wadley’s - online porn, hookup apps, traditional affair / anonymous sex and prostitutes. Seeking out help online is better for anonymity, but individuals must be in the know that they are expected to share vulnerably everything they are dealing with. [21:22] Rob and Dr. Wadley discuss the difference of options when a couple has financial means and resources vs. when they need to stay together because divorce or separating just isn’t an option financially. [26:42] On a recent trip to Cuba, Dr. Wadley appreciated how he could fully experience the culture, as it is one of the few places that hasn’t been colonized.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Dr. James Wadley The Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships Association of Black Sexologists and Clinicians Lincoln University Dr. Wadley on Twitter phdjamesw@yahoo.com   QUOTES: “While people in the community may be able to listen and give advice, they are not mental health professionals.”   “My work is to try my best to empower not only those people who are indigenous to the community, but also to work with the folks who work with folks in those communities in having a level of acceptance and appreciation towards diversity.”   “Minorities tend to want to keep their problems to themselves.”   “I allow my spirit to lead me.”   We as therapists and healers have to figure out how to provide access to those folks who probably can’t afford us.”  

Redemption and Recovery with Tom Ryan

Today’s topic is one of the most important, yet least covered subjects matter in sex addiction - redemption. Rob is joined by special guest Tom Ryan to talk about recovery, hope, the dichotomy of holding a position of power and prestige when dealing with an addiction, and when it’s okay to not get it right the first time, or the second. Tom is a spiritual community leader, father, husband and has much to share on the struggles of living a hidden life of denial and escapism. Tom is the author of Ashamed No More, and is Founding and Executive Director of Living Integrated, an organization that helps individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors find hope and healing by integrating their spirituality with healthy recovery practices.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] Tom attended the University of Missouri and earned a bachelor’s degree in education. He got involved with a youth ministry at a local church, and that led him to follow his divine calling to professional ministry. His life was a true dichotomy between spirituality, religion and the struggle of a compulsive sexual addiction. [7:45] Sex addiction can escalate and grow. Tom found himself continuously drawing the line of his boundaries further away from his morals, and then feeling the guilt and shame that came along with the emptiness and loneliness of living a secret addicted life. There is a tendency to call someone a hypocrite, liar or fraud instead of someone that is deeply struggling with painful issues. [11:14] Tom found help and visited a therapist, who recommended the book Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes. He cites the experience of discovering this work as “breathtaking”, because it showed him that he wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t a failure. [15:39] Tom and Rob discuss the disconnection and isolation that comes with addiction. Much like eating potato chips when you are hungry, you are satisfying an urge with an impulse that in the long run isn’t good or healthy for you, and doesn’t make you any less hungry than when you first started. [16:45] Tom and his therapist worked together to help Tom find a trusted friend to listen to his real story, and one who he could share his vulnerability with, and who would show up for Tom. [21:06] Tom shares how he came out to his wife as an addict, and the impact the disclosure had on his healing and marriage. Years later, Tom learned a lot, progressed through his treatment,  but still felt ashamed that he didn’t have sustained sobriety, and his public persona didn’t honor who he was privately. [28:27] Tom hit his lowest point in 2008 when he was arrested. He felt ashamed that he had already been in treatment and been out as an addict to his loved ones, and still was acting out. [31:56] Many of the other faith leaders both Rob and Tom have worked with hold a sincere motivation to help others and follow their calling, but are stuck in the negative loop of their addiction, and often find it even harder to get help due to their elevated position. [32:02] In addition to Tom coming back on the show, there is a possibility of “Tom’s Corner” on Rob’s website, Sex and Relationship Healing. This will be a safe space for religious leaders and workers to connect with others and talk about their addiction, no matter what point of it they are currently at.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Mark Salling Tom Ryan TC-Ryan Dr. Patrick Carnes Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes Ashamed No More by Tom Ryan   Living Integrated   QUOTES: “You can get past your consequences. You can have a life beyond the problem you are in right now.” “What was satisfying and distracting now no longer is, and you want a little bit more.” “Sex addicts have a varsity level skill of compartmentalization.” “When I’m living in the shadows, it's amazing what I’m willing to do, and when I think I’m living in the light, it’s amazing what I’m not willing to do.” “Part of the grandiosity of the disease is we think there is nobody quite as big a failure as we are.” “My persona was still a performance persona, even though I wanted to be genuine and sincere. And it was eating me alive.” “There is that tendency for all of us to look at someone in town who is supposed to be the moral sheriff in town and say “ ‘Oh my gosh, what a loser, hypocrite, and liar.’ “ But many times these are sincere servants who really wanted to help others and honor their vows and commitments, but found themselves in this diabolical catch in life.” “The gifts are there, but we have to get out of our own way. Covering up and hiding it doesn’t do anything.”

Drug and Sex Addiction (chem-sex) with Dr. David Fawcett

Today’s episode features Dr. David Fawcett, therapist, author of Lust, Men and Meth, and expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. David and Rob discuss trends in drug use among the gay male and female population, the frequent co-occurrence of both sex and drug addictions, risk factors and consequences of meth use, and the need for disruption in therapy to update training, assessment, and treatment.   David works hard to eliminates the stigma around addiction, and advocates to look at the whole picture of addiction rather than compartmentalizing it. He frequently presents workshops on LGBT health, addiction, HIV, and co-occurring disorders both in the US and internationally.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] We are in the middle of a dangerous trend. For about the last twenty years, we have seen a rise of stimulant abuse, particularly methamphetamines and cocaine in conjunction with sexual behavior. We have also seen a change in what kind of meth is coming in, as it’s much higher grade and leading to addiction in a quicker and more powerful way than ever before. [3:42] Meth and stimulants can be bonded with all types of behavior, not all sexually related. However, when used in conjunction with sexual behavior, people develop a dependence on the drug to perform in any capacity. David has noticed a trend with young gay men to skip over the pills and go right to the injectibles such as Trimix to treat erectile dysfunction. [5:36] The opioid crisis is certainly worth the mention and attention it has been getting in mainstream media, but meth overdoses are actually outpacing opioid-related ones. [6:39] Methamphetamine is a synthetic molecule that is neurotoxic and sits on the receptors for 9-10 hours, providing a surge and eventually the depletion of our “feel good” neurotransmitter dopamine. [7:44] Dopamine rewards behavior that helps us seek rewards in order to survive. The most natural way we release dopamine is through sex. [9:44] David sees many of his clients use meth to try and numb and dissociate negative feelings such as shame, isolation, and trauma. Over time, he has seen it most commonly in his clients that are gay men but is also now seeing it rise in the female population and eating disorder world as well. [10:50] There are a host of psychological and physiological severe consequences in meth use including brain damage, suicidal thoughts and actions, and cardiac issues. [12:53] Not all drug users become addicted. David discusses that although about 20% of drug users are led to addiction, the consequences are extremely severe. [13:05] David and Rob explain that meth and sexual addiction usually must be treated simultaneously. If one is a meth addict, chances addictions merge and work in tandem, creating a sex addiction as well. [15:57] Sexual addiction is often not addressed in drug treatment, left untreated may be a factor to lead the individual back to using. [18:20] There’s been a model of how we view addiction, and it’s been based on substances for 50 or 60 years, with a cultural resistance to natural occurring addiction such as sex and eating disorders. That model is changing, and more therapists and training programs are beginning to understand the repercussions and need for assessment of behavioral or process addictions. [21:38] Rob and David discuss the importance of finding a therapist that is well versed in the specialty one is seeking focused help. [25:45] David and Rob role play a typical call of someone seeking help for addiction and a potential therapist. [28:20] Therapists must do a more detailed assessment of sexual history as it related to addiction, and be hypersensitive to the level of shame, fear, trauma that their clients are bringing in to the treatment. It’s also important to help the client envision how sexuality is going to unfold in a healthy way in recovery.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 David Fawcett @LustMenMeth Facebook @LustMenMeth Twitter Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery NIH   QUOTES: “There is a huge overlap between sexual addiction and stimulant addiction.” “Most meth addicts are probably sex addicts.” “One addiction can trigger the other. We see if people try and get clean from meth, their sexual desire fades. The two become paired and work in tandem.” “We have many people in the substance addiction treatment centers who are not getting adequately assessed for the sexual component in terms of sexual history intervention.” “Therapists should be required to do some reflection on their own attitudes and beliefs about sex.” “Therapists will resist, deflect, defer or avoid to keep themselves comfortable.” “When it comes to specialty work, we need specialty therapists.” “You get to therapist shop. It's important to find someone you feel comfortable with.”  

Shame, Honor and Culture with Sam Louie

Trauma, abuse, and addiction happen everywhere, it doesn’t matter what class or culture. Today’s guest, Sam Louie, is a psychotherapist specializing in treating shame, trauma and a host of addictions. Sam is on a mission to reach more of the Asian - American culture and help them with their heavy shame and cultural stigmas surrounding addiction. Sam reflects on his own experience of addiction and then getting help, gives more information on Japanese culture as it relates to addiction and shame, and how he went from feeling defective to comfortable in his own skin and a role model for others. Lastly, Sam shares ways we can outreach to communities that may be different than ours to help others rise above the shame and embarrassment that go along with addiction.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:01] Sam Louie is a psychotherapist, blogger, and speaker on cultural shame and addictions. Sam is also an Emmy Award-Winning former broadcast journalist who continues to write. His books include, "Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence" and "Slanted Eyes: The Asian-American Poetic Experience". On a personal note, Sam is a first-generation immigrant from Hong Kong who grew up amidst 3 generations of addictions. [3:46] Sam shares that one of the challenges with minority cultures and specifically Asian - American cultures getting help for their addiction is the feeling of cultural shame. Asians are collectivists by nature, meaning that instead of a focus on individualism, they put an emphasis on cohesiveness among the groups (family, society, government) in their world both on a small and large scale. Sam explains further that a lot of it is based on Confucian views where obedience and order are the common denominators. [6:02] Sam recalls how he first learned at a very early age how important it is to honor the family name above all else. [9:39] In the teenage years, traditional Asian values confronted with American tendency to rebel and strike out as an individual can be a confusing and conflicting time. [11:18] Shame can run deep in the Asian - American culture for cases of addiction, sexual issues and divorce. Sam speaks of a Chinese saying where shame can run 8 generations deep. [13:19] Sam shares how suicide in the Japanese culture can be seen as a way to get back honor and not shame their family. [16:01] In his youth, Sam encountered a role model in his Pastor, who showed vulnerability, encouragement and support. [19:44] In the Japanese culture, sexual shame even as the victim, reflects on breaking the code of honor within your family. [22:42] Sam reads one of his poems and explains the meaning behind the words. He then shares how his addictive and compulsive tendencies started emerging in childhood. [25:02] Children who are profoundly neglected and who experience emotional and physical neglect have to figure out how to comfort and validate themselves. This is where a lot of addiction stems from. [33:10] Educating yourself first on the nature of addiction is key. Then, finding someone of your ethnic background or cultural identification can help very much on the road to recovery.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence Slanted Eyes: The Asian - American Poetic Experience Sam Louie MFT Hikikomori Getting Off by Erica Garza   QUOTES:   “Sadly, there are several minorities that are underserved in America when it comes to addiction services and mental health.” “There are two sides to the coin - we have shame on one end, and honor on the other.” “If I hide from things, other people will never get the exposure that they need.” “Since intimacy problems and sex addiction most often comes out of early dysfunction, it doesn’t matter where you are from.” “Much addiction comes out of that period where a child has to learn how to survive on their own.” “So many of us need to see someone of our cultural heritage going through something as well.”

Spirituality and Addiction: What does one have to do with the other with Mark Anthony Lord

Mark Anthony Lord is an expert in the area of spirituality and recovery. As an author, coach, speaker, and minister, Mark sees firsthand the damage that addiction can impart upon one’s spirituality and faith. When we heal, Mark believes it must be first from within. As a Reverend, Mark helps people from all walks of life become back in tune with their spiritually, or possibly even connect for the first time. He and Rob also talk about the isolating nature of addiction, the connection between God and sexuality, and fostering the one relationship that we can count on no matter what the circumstances, the one between ourselves and our higher power.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:46] Dealing with spirituality is one of the hardest challenges that sex addicts tend to have, whether it’s their own personal morality, or within the healing process. Betrayed partners also take issue with feeling as though they were living in a giant lie based upon their partners faith versus their actions of bad behavior. [3:00] Mark believes that addiction is a spiritual disease which disconnects an individual from their spirit of creativity, love, joy and generosity. Addiction affects us first spiritually, and drains our zeal for life. [4:26] The tendency for sex addicts to compartmentalize bad behavior is a way of perpetuating the cycle of disconnection, mistrust and unworthiness, thus leading to even more disconnection. [8:14] Mark loves doing exercises to reconnect people with their life affirming and life-giving passions. Whether it’s nature, family, work or service, we all get excited by something deep inside. [10:44] Although their paths of treatment are different, both Mark and Rob are doing work where people connect both with themselves, their own pain and ultimately, learning to take joy in the basic human connections around us. [13:26] One of the challenges about religion currently is the feeling that one must be “good” and “together” to partake in it, instead of it feeling like a salvation for those that need it most. Mark discusses some spiritually bankrupt religious leaders that could have used some connection in their soul. [16:25] A lot of people living in duality feel as though they must be afraid or fearful of God. They must be courageous to explore their own broken relationship with God, and heal it to move forward with recovery. [18:32] In the 12-step program, Mark has seen miracles happen time and time again once people connect with their own spirituality and begin to connect with the human experience in an open and vulnerable way. [19:26] Mark explains his belief that God and sex do not have to be separate, and that the power in both God and sexual energy in a healthy human being are aligned. [24:59] Our childhood attachments and security impacts our outlook on love, security and trust in the world. Mark believes the more of a broken upbringing one has, the more important it is to seek spirituality and a higher power. [26:10] Expecting people to never let us down or disappoint us, will always keep us separated and disconnected from our human experience. A big part of being spiritually in tune is to love others despite their flaws. [28:55] Mark feels that marriage is for the exact reason of loving one another through our brokenness. It doesn’t necessarily mean staying or leaving after a betrayal, just to love ourselves unconditionally.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 To contact Mark Anthony Lord: lordmarkanthony@gmail.com Mark Anthony Lord Cityside Spiritual Community   QUOTES: “I believe that addiction is a spiritual disease.” “We all have a natural spirit inside us. Some like to think about spirit in relationship to God, some like to be religious about it, and a lot of people don’t. What I love about the recovery world is they don’t tell anyone what they have to believe in.” “Addictions kill us at the level of spirit first.” “Honesty is the doorway to our freedom. That is so scary for sex and love addicts.” “I know God as perfect unconditional love. There’s nothing you can do or say that would ever change that.” “God and sex are not separate from me.” “That’s the evolution of our spirituality - to realize that people will fail, and will change. Nothing outside of us will remain our source - our source is inside of us.” “Most people try to trust people and love God. That’s wrong, you can only trust God and learn how to love people.”  

Helping Heal Addiction with Dr. Rob and Tami

Tami VerHelst has been working with Rob for over 15 years in the field of sex, love and relationship addiction. She has been central to many therapists and is often times the very first person someone talks to when they are in crisis mode and undergoing a trauma. People with sexual addictions are often filled with shame and embarrassment, and she continues to be the lifeline that shows them that help is out there. Tami also talks about the difficulties of treating sex addiction compared to other addictions, the importance of getting help from an expert, the programs she is currently working to develop through Seeking Integrity, how she decides where to send someone to get help, and important resources for sex addicts and their partners looking for help and hope.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:51] Despite all the different stories and cases Tami has heard, she always looks at it through the lens of helping someone alleviate their pain. [2:43] When people first call Tami, they can do so anonymously. This takes away the fear of judgment that usually comes with admitting there is an addiction. [4:44] One of the most challenging issues Tami faces is people choosing to overcome the stigma and shame and follow through to contact the resources for support that she provides. [7:23] While drug and alcohol behavior may be able to be ended completely, sexual addiction and food disorders require a perimeter of what is healthy for the individual since sex and hunger are two of our natural desires. [13:35] Each addiction is quite unique and requires its own focus. Many times questions about sexual behavior are overlooked in the mental health field. [14:07] Tami has been in the field for so long that she knows the right questions to ask people to find them the appropriate help and resources. [16:31] If the partner gets good support and the addict gets solid help, they have a greater chance of getting through the trauma of betrayal. [19:49] Tami has seen more women acting with typical male characteristic behavior in the past five years. The world has changed dramatically with the advent of numerous apps that make it as easy as the click of a button to get sex. [23:53] For many addicts, it’s almost more exciting to search for sex and build to orgasm than the actual intercourse itself. [26:17] It is very important for the partner to stand up, draw a line in the sand, and not stand for their partner to continue on with harmful and hurtful behavior. It is also important throughout the treatment for the partner to get their own help and support as well. [33:10] To contact Tami directly, email her at: tami@seekingintegrity.org. [34:15] Tami herself struggled with addiction. She credits her amazing life with recovery and takes great pleasure in giving back.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Dr. Patrick Carnes Out of the Doghouse Bloom for Women APSATS   QUOTES: “I’m so passionate about people having the opportunity for solid recovery. Not just abstinence but a happy, joyous and free recovery.” “The biggest barrier can just be talking to someone else about your problem.” “What is sobriety and what is recovery? It really depends on the person.” “Getting a good foundation will help people get to a stable place and past the initial crisis.” “Don’t have hope if the addict is not willing to get help.” “My recovery has given me everything.”

Betrayal Trauma and Healing with Dr. Barbara Steffens

Dr. Barbara Steffens joins Rob to talk about betrayal trauma and her many extensive years of work within the field. She looks at addiction and infidelity through both the lens of the addict and the partner and works to normalize all parts of what occurs in the addiction and healing process. She and Rob discuss what betrayal trauma is, why some partners may decide to stay, and how they can eventually begin to possibly trust again.   Dr. Steffens founded and is President of The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, and helps clients and also therapists work with people experiencing profound trauma and betrayal. She is also the author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:49] Dr. Barbara Steffens has been a specialist in sex addiction and partners of sex addiction since 1999. Her book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse is a lifeline to help partners cope and heal after betrayal trauma. [2:22] Often times people first associate a trauma with abuse, either physical or mental, but there is also a trauma that goes along with a betrayal within a relationship. When there is an expectation of trust, safety, and security that is violated, it can have a profound effect. [10:43] The partner acting out still can have love, attachment and a connection, but the quality of how deep their intimacy can actually be changes over time as they must compartmentalize in order to not feel too much guilt over their behavior. It’s an internal split for the addict, and hard for the partner to understand how the addict can say they love them and yet still betray their trust. [16:15] It is another betrayal when partners are not heard for what has just happened to them, and the addict may even blame some of their behavior on the spouse. [18:12] Dr. Steffens had to first go to the infidelity field to learn about betrayal trauma from the partner’s point of view, as the addict field just focused primarily on the needs of the addict. [19:32] While partners may not be able to trust the way they once did, they can develop an ability to trust the heart, intent and the behaviors they observe along with their own ability to detect lies and deceit. [23:01] Dr. Steffens tells partners that they did not make their partner cheat, and they don’t have the power over how someone else responds. She encourages them to work with their own emotions and speak their truth rather than prescribing a one size fits all protocol. [32:36] Partners sometimes stay with an addict when there is a relapse due to not wanting to ruin the stability and course of what they have built in their life. Dr. Steffens knows every partner has the choice to decide what is right for them, and takes the judgement away from those no matter what they deem tolerable.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Barbara Steffens Your Sexually Addicted Spouse Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists https://twitter.com/APSATSOrg   QUOTES: “The best thing that the field can do is really listen to the partner as an individual.” “Over time that ability to attach and connect when somebody is engaging in other behaviors has to loosen because so much of the attachment and attention goes to the addiction.” “There’s no intimacy when there are secrets.” “Traumatized people look messy because they are - their life has just exploded.” “Addicts can look very slick and together, even when they are not.” “The greatest gift we can give to partners when we are helping them is the ability for them to trust themselves again.” “There is no pain-free way to deal with this situation. It’s just what kind of pain and how true to yourself are you going to be.”

Rebuilding After Infidelity with Hope Ray

Hope Ray does amazing work in helping couples and individuals cope in the throes of a betrayal, and helps give them the opportunity to possibly even develop a higher quality of intimacy if they do decide to continue the relationship. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and a Certified Hope and Freedom Practitioner. Her experience has shown there is hope for healing even after the devastation of sexual secrets and infidelity. She and Rob talk about empathy for the partner, developing an intimacy radar and her intensive specialized programs to provide help in a great time of need.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:54] Hope’s work is focused on working with couples one at a time in an intensive, specialized environment. [2:27] Hope seeks to take away some of the stigma of addiction, and help both the addict and their partner know that help is out there. [5:39] For the partner experiencing the betrayal and learning to what extent they have been misled, they are often caught between the desire to run away from the situation and their own hurt, and having empathy for their emotionally ill spouse who may need their support to get better. [10:08] Sex addicts typically develop characteristics of entitlement, narcissism, and dishonesty to cover up the guilt of acting out. [13:58] Addicts may be able to balance home and family life with their secret for a while, but will show up in a way that is disconnected and not fully present. [20:14] Rob and Hope support partners in their work by acknowledging their pain and not trivializing the trauma they are experiencing. Partners usually feel shame and guilt that they didn’t know what was happening, even if others around them were aware. [22:14] Hope encourages her clients to be able to detect low levels of intimacy, to express it to their partner and become aware of their own needs that constitute a healthy relationship. [32:14] Partners should be careful who they choose to talk to, individuals who can’t worsen the situation later by knowing the deep dark secrets of the situation. Both Hope and Rob suggest finding a professional in the field that specializes in sex and relationship healing.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Hope Ray Therapy Hope and Freedom Intensive Dr. Patrick Carnes Dr. Ken Adams Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “When we are living two separate lives, we develop a lot of poor character traits in order to keep these secrets.”   “They may show up, but half the time they aren’t emotionally present.” ---(Rob said “they”, but in case you want to change it to addicts)   “Partners are so misunderstood. It’s really important they don’t experience blame for their partner's sexual behavior in any way.”   “I believe one of the greatest powers we can give partners is the ability to detect intimacy.” - Hope  

Focusing on the Partner with Marnie Breecker

Finding out your partner is a sex addict and that everything you have believed to be previously true is a lie can be devastating, traumatic and isolating to say the least. Often times most partners are embarrassed and shameful, thinking they did something to cause the addict’s bad behavior. Today our special guest, Marnie Breecker, explains more on the partner’s point of view. Marnie is a Psychotherapist, Marriage and Family Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Certified Clinical Partners Specialist, and Founder and Clinical Director for the Center of Relational Healing. She talks with Rob about the typical emotional patterns she sees in both parties when dealing with sex addiction, how she helps them get help, and why specialized treatment is so important.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:02] Anger, shock, confusion and an overall crisis in all areas of life. Usually, the anger is directed at first towards their partner, and then as the situation unfolds the anger also spreads to their partner’s family and friends that knew their partner was acting out. [4:39] The partner usually has a conflict where they want to help the person they love, but their own anger and fear creates a barrier. [10:48] After the initial stabilization of help, the partner’s anger surfaces not only in regards to the event(s) of addiction but the fact that they feel all of the attention and support has gone to the person with the addiction. [13:30] Working with partners is often seen as a daunting task for therapists. They usually are a sign of acting crazy or unbalanced, but really this is a human that is in the midst of an actual trauma and has usually been denied their own intuition. [21:19] When you are living a lie as an addict, you have the control when you get to decide what truth your partner hears. One of the hardest thing for the addict to realize is that once the spouse uncovers the truth, they are in control. [23:28] Specialized treatment is so important to discern whether someone is an addict and to delineate what type of treatment is appropriate. [28:40] When a couple comes in dealing with sex addiction and/or confidentiality, the first thing Marnie does is assess what measures must be taken for their physical safety. Next, she helps the partner try to find a community of support to deal with their own trauma of the unfortunate outside circumstance.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 The Center for Relational Healing Marnie Breecker