Sex, Love, and Addiction

Treating Sex and Drug Addiction Together with David Fawcett

Dr. David Fawcett returns to the show today to talk with Rob about all the different ways that drug and sex addiction intersects, what exactly chem sex is and announces their new project Seeking Integrity, the first series of treatment environments that address both issues. David is a therapist, author of Lust, Men and Meth, and expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. They also discuss the traditional challenges in treating drug and sex addictions together, the biological explanation of why the two fuse together, and how Seeking Integrity helps others within their connection with themselves.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:07] Over time, the behavior becomes fused so that the person is unable to separate the drug addiction from the sexual problem. When you do two things at the same time and dopamine is involved, it bonds the two things together much like a Pavlovian conditioned response. [3:56] When an addict experiences an uncomfortable emotion, they go to their “medicine” such as drugs or acting out sexually. As these two become combined, they have an even harder time recovering. [4:31] Seeking Integrity’s goal is to evolve and advance treatment for addicts of all kinds so they can heal long term. One of the challenges is that this topic is not addressed in drug and alcohol recovery centers, and the two are often treated separately.   [7:53] We still view sexual addiction as a moral issue rather than a medical issue. David finds it helpful to show scientifically based documentation such as brain scans to show that this is not always the case. [9:20] At Seeking Integrity they work on developing coping mechanisms to lower the chance of transferring one addiction to another. [11:21] The goal of treatment is to not be perfect right away, but to make strides towards being healthy. [13:19] The brain has to regenerate dopamine, and while the addict is recovering they may experience long periods of depression, which is why it’s important for them to work with a professional and realize that healing takes time. [17:38] A lot of addictics have a lot of trouble with intimacy, and much has to do with how they were raised and what they learned about it. [20:58] Addicts need to reset their brain chemistry so they can learn to be still, and develop relationships that foster connection, joy, and pleasure. [24:18] Finding connection is at the cornerstone of Seeking Integrity, as that is one of the strongest and most profoundly healing feelings any human can experience.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com David Fawcett Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery Seeking Integrity What’s Wrong With Addiction Treatment Sex, Love, and Addiction - David’s podcast QUOTES: “What fires together wires together.” “We as clinicians are under trained in how to talk about sex.” “The manifestation of shame may be different, but shame underlies all addictions.” “People can have different tastes, but when it’s paired with drug behavior it’s going to link.” “Love, intimacy, and connection are the deepest sources of healing.”

About Disclosure with Mari Lee

Mari Lee is an author of best-selling books Facing Heartbreak and Healing Betrayal, speaker, and LMFT, a Sex Addiction Therapist, Specialist, and Supervisor. She also is the founder of Growth Counseling Services and Shine Women’s Retreat. She talks with Rob about what it is like to be a woman in her job working with both partners and addicts healing from betrayal, and how she helps her clients feel heard, resources for hope and healing, and why she loves working with addicts.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:37] Mari didn’t always want to work with sex addicts. When she came into the work, her passion was about supporting traumatized partners. There wasn’t a lot of support or knowledge about working with betrayed partners, and much of it was based in codependency rather than prodependence. [4:31] Mari began to understand that the choices the addict was making had little to nothing to do with their partner. [7:25] Mari does a lot of psychoeducation with her clients about what is going on in the limbic and nervous systems. [8:55] If a partner grows up in an environment where there is shaming and much negativity, hiding and deceit become coping mechanisms and they develop a core belief that they are unloveable. Their actions then reinforce that behavior, and they need to first get help for the relationship they have with themselves. [13:18] It is often more difficult for the partner who has to look at their spouse as troubled because they want to have empathy but they are so hurt, shocked and angry. [16:45] The disclosure process, or “clinical formal disclosure” can be a very painful and traumatic time. This is a very thorough process where the addict and partner agree to come into a sacred healing space to disclose all the betrayals and hidden secrets. [17:43] Over time, a partner that is being gaslighted feels fear, obligation, and guilt. One of the most healing tools is for the addict to work with a therapist and give their partner full disclosure and truth, and the power to decide if they want to continue the relationship. [26:45] Mari wrote Facing Heartbreak for partners who can’t afford to see a therapist, or are unable to see one due to logistics, insurance or financial means. [30:14] Mari refers to her clients as survivors and thrive-rs. They may be scared at first, but she helps them move away from the idea of victimization and towards empowerment and understanding how to set tangible boundaries.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Shine Women’s Retreat Growth Counseling Services Facing Heartbreak Healing Betrayal   QUOTES: “I knew I wanted to be somebody that created healing spaces, materials, support, and community for partners in pain.” “Therapists need to educate their clients in what is going on in their nervous system and brain.” “I help a partner understand how she can share her truth.” “The intuition of human beings is one of the most powerful gifts we have. When you send a woman out in the world doubting her own intuition, you make that woman very vulnerable.” “We need to have a focused roadmap for the treatment team.”

Hold me Tight with Dr. Sue Johnson

Dr. Sue Johnson is profoundly known for her work on bonding, attachment and adult romantic relationships. She paved the way for much of the work being done now on attachment and intimacy, focused couples therapy, and her work changed the landscape of emotions based therapy. Today, she talks with Rob about EFT, Emotionally Focused Therapy, her best-selling book Hold Me Tight, and why EFT gives people hope, validation, and the connection necessary to heal themselves and possibly their wounded relationships.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:04] Sue got a firsthand look at adult interaction as a young child working in her family’s pub. Through witnessing the many people night after night, she saw the power in vulnerability and compassion. This fascinated her and led her to work with distressed individuals, and ultimately distressed couples. [7:05] In a distressed couple, the conflict is just a symptom of the real problem — disconnection. [9:11] Much disconnection comes from one person pushing to be heard and the other partner shutting them out. Dr. Sue works with couples to move from the dance of automatic anger into vulnerability. [12:45] EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy, helps individuals and couples look at where they may be stuck in their emotions, fears and needs and then introduces the feeling of love and safety. Through this, bonding occurs and partners have what Dr. Sue refers to as “hold me tight” conversations. [14:05] When therapists first ask how a couple fell in love in therapy, it helps them remember that there once was a connection and may diffuse some of the initial anger. [18:57] EFT first gives people hope, then validation for feeling wounded. Their partner has to understand how their actions caused so much pain, and why their wounded partner now needs safety and predictability. [22:28] After a betrayal when the wounded partner is doing “detective work” they are usually not looking for a reason to leave, they are looking for a reason to stay. [27:03] Technology can drive us apart, or it can call for us to be more committed than ever to human connection. [29:01] Dr. Sue follows the Pro-dependence model, and knew there was something more than the codependence model after working in many clinics and large hospitals. [30:18] Dr. Sue’s work encourages people to get addicted to the natural good feelings that come when we reach out to others as a resource, and experience authentic connection. [33:31] The more we feel connected, the less we turn to behaviors that are addictive and destructive.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com John Gottman Hold Me Tight Hold Me Tight Dr. Sue Johnson https://iceeft.com/   QUOTES: “We are all human beings that need closeness, connection and reassurance.” “You need to help your partner feel safe when you’ve wounded them.” “We need to help people connect. When they feel connected they don’t need to turn to addictions.” “Betrayed partners that do detective work aren’t usually looking for a reason to leave, they are looking for a reason to stay.”

The Cost of Neglect with Enod Gray

Therapist and counselor Enod Gray joins the show today to talk about how people are affected by neglect. She and Rob discuss the types of family dynamics that often lead to neglect, how people are affected by neglect, and what solutions are out there for folks dealing with this painful and under-discussed subject. Enod is based in Houston and offers counseling through her True Self Transitions business. She also discusses her new book, Neglect — The Silent Abuser and how one can begin to heal from childhood neglect.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:01] Neglect often goes undetected and unrecognized. While clients report overt abuse, neglect can be so foundational in so many issues. When neglect happens pre-verbally in a child's development, there is typically a feeling of emptiness and pain that feels as though it comes from an unknown source. [5:03] Enod names the types of situations where neglect most occurs in families. Some of the biggest ones are: When a family has a sick or handicapped child that gets the parent’s attention. When there is another sibling that is very talented in one area and it overshadows the others. Mental illness/addiction in the family. Really large families causing children to get “lost in the shuffle”. A child that was a mistake. A child that was a “miracle baby”, and the parents have everything planned. This causes the child to miss out on developing their true self. [10:21]  A few crucial elements for the neglected to heal: they must go within themselves and tell the truth about what happened, and how they are going to reenact now in the present day. They must seek professional help for distractions/addictions, learn to play, and learn proper boundaries. [13:28] It often is tough for neglected people to trust others and to find an intimate connection. This isolate, in turn, can lead to depression and anxiety, so it is very important for them to find ways to connect. [16:26] Addiction can take on many forms. A few examples can be sexual addiction, the addiction to work and achieve, love addiction, or a need to prove themselves worthy so they can find “the one”. [20:02] It can be tough for men to deal with the true pain and grief neglect causes, as society tells them to be strong and stoic.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com enod@trueselftransitions.com True Self Transitions Neglect — The Silent Abuser   QUOTES: “Children need guidance, but they don’t need to be told how to feel.” “It doesn’t take much to hurt a child’s little soul and make them feel as though they shouldn’t be here.” “Inside every human being is the desire for connection.” “You have to know where you end and the other begins. First you have to know who you are.” “Allowing yourself to cry and allowing yourself to grieve is a strength, not a weakness.”

All About our Runaway Ego’s! With Dr. Lou Cox

Dr. Lou Cox is a Clinical Psychologist with over 55 years of experience. In his private practice, he works as a Psychotherapist and Awareness trainer, and Addictions Specialist. Today, he and Rob discuss both the healthy and unhealthy functions of the ego, why we have an ego, and how it relates to our need for love and connection. He also shares why compassion and courage are essential to getting loose with the ego and talks more about his book The Ghost in the Machinery.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:53] Dr. Louis Cox is a Clinical Psychologist, expert in the area of addiction and alcoholism, author and also has the organizational consulting practice: EgoMechanics Inc. [3:01] We typically think of “ego” as someone that is loud, bossy and attention seeking. Dr. Cox discusses that there is the “self aggrandizing” ego, however there is also a “self diminishing ego”. This is where one presents themself in a way that doesn’t cause any conflict or rock the boat too much with the fear of losing love and feeling shame and abandonment. [4:19] We develop defenses and start conditioning our behavior by the age of 7. As we are out in the world getting feedback from our caregivers and those around us, we learn how to act in order to feel connected and accepted. It is where these behaviors become compulsive that the problems lie, and addictions typically surface. [10:32] Our egos tell us that in order be feel loved and worthy, we must create an image of what we think deserves love and connection, and then compulsively act according to it. [11:15] The ego can function both in ways that are healthy and detrimental. We need our ego to keep our connection, but it is a balance of making sure it doesn’t hinder the authentic expression of our real selves.   [15:19] Addicts use for the purpose of feeling okay, where most people use primarily to have fun. [18:20] The need for autonomy and the ability to be ourselves is crucial for children. Often times when they feel as though they aren’t able to fully be themselves, issues arise. One characteristic of addiction is the denial that one is out of control. [22:18] Much of what we see as addiction and character personality problems in our culture relate profoundly to early childhood experiences of love, stimulation, validation and acceptance. [22:27] Our ego often tricks us into not speaking up about our needs due to fear of rejection and abandonment. It also may lead someone to deny their need for love, and create abusive and destructive behaviors. [27:58] Dr. Cox titled his book The Ghost in Your Machinery because our egos often operate silently and unconsciously. This book is for the community of people who have had a wake up call and are seeking good inner guidance besides the ego. It provides a set of resources to access all that the ego usually blocks for a need to stay in control. [31:31] Left to our own devices, we will default to what we learned as a defense mechanism in our early childhood. [35:41] Compassion and courage are essential to getting loose with the ego.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com EgoMechanics   QUOTES: “The ego has upsides and downsides.” “Abandonment creates shame.” “Addicts look like everyone else, and they drink like everyone else, but their reasons are different.” “If we don’t find ways, we start to turn to ways that become problem makers rather than problem solvers.” “I write from a human experience point of view, from mine and others’.” “The ego doesn’t want any surprises.”

Mental Health or Addiction? What you Need to Know With Dr. Candice Christiansen

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob welcomes back Candice Christiansen, founder and clinical director for the Namaste Center for Healing. She and Rob discuss some co-occurring diagnosis that is found as an underlying source in addiction and avoidance, and why it’s not unusual for people that have sexual problems to also have an emotional and mental disorder that causes them to act out. They give a few examples of these conditions, define some characteristics of those on the spectrum, and talk about the importance of getting a professional evaluation to make sure one is getting the proper treatment.   TAKEAWAYS: [4:46] Sexual addictions and disorders aren’t always based on personality and narcissism. There are also many instances where it is an attachment based disorder. The acting out is a learned behavior to try to escape, self soothe or connect. [5:45] Candice describes how self-stimulating behavior relates to those on the autism spectrum. Part of her job is to help the addict replace porn with a non harmful replacement to self-stim. [9:04] High functioning autism will often be diagnosed when a child is young because there is a clear language deficit or auditory processing issue. [11:15] Those on the spectrum are usually very intelligent, and may not get social/sexual cues. They may also be very honest to a fault, blunt, and get overstimulated by bright lights or loud noises. [15:07] Sociopaths know that their actions may hurt someone else, but they don’t care or possess empathy, while those on the spectrum have “in the moment” thinking, but do show great empathy. [16:19] There are conditions that can look like a learning disability, so it is very important to get a thorough evaluation by an expert. [25:43] A symptom of bipolar disorder is often the tendency to be hypersexual. When a bipolar individual is stable and their disorder is in remission, many times they stop acting out. [26:02] Other diagnoses that Candice sees where people act out include both OCD and OCPD. [27:38] Mental health professionals must have a common language so they know how to best treat a condition and everything that goes along with the condition. [29:01] A diagnosis is not a judgment, it’s an observation so that an issue can be treated properly and professionally.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts Autism Speaks Namaste Center for Healing candice@namasteadvice.com @namasteadvice   QUOTES: “Human beings are built to connect and to turn to relationships. This is how we thrive.” “When people struggle with the ability to connect, it leaves them empty.” “I love working with people on the spectrum, because they have so many strengths.” “No matter how much trauma work you do, or how many times you write out a recovery plan, it won’t work for you if you have an underlying emotional illness that needs to be addressed.” “We have to figure out why you started, and then heal that wound.” “Diagnosis aren’t meant to judge people, they are meant to have a common understanding of how to help people.”

Prodependence: Understanding the Treatment Model with Kim Buck

Kim Buck, LPC and CSAT,  joins the show, to share her excitement in the concept of prodependence, and her own experience in integrating it within the treatment of her own clients. Kim has over 15 years of clinical experience as a therapist and works in multiple modalities depending on the clients needs. As the Clinical Director at Family Strategies Counseling Center in Arizona, she runs treatment programs for hundreds of people. She and Rob also talk about the difference between the codependence and prodependence models, and the changes she has seen firsthand in her treatment centers when implementing this model.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:31] Kim heard about the concept of prodependence and was an early adopter, using it in her own practice. The concept of codependency helped in her own recovery, however there were concepts in the model that she found shaming and blaming towards the partner experiencing betrayal. Prodependence addressed those issues for her, and she aligned with it due to how it lessens the blame of the betrayed partner. [8:02] Kim started rewriting some of the curriculum for the partners to integrate the prodependency model. She now has three active prodependence groups for partners of sex addicts, and they learn how to take care of themselves and set boundaries in this time of crisis. [11:56] The first goal of Kim’s work is to help them sort through the mess of their partner’s actions, and offer them support and hope. If they need the additional work, it will come organically. However, oftentimes in the early stages of treatment, people just need support and understanding while they are in crisis mode. [17:34] Prodependence invites the addict to look in the mirror and not blame the other partner for their actions. It increases the chance that a betrayed partner will come back and question what they did in the past, creating a mutually agreed upon opening to explore and grow. [22:45] For Kim, she had some fundamental issues with some of the concepts of codependency, and found that prodependency served to depathologize rather than pathologize. It removes the idea that the partner has an illness that is causing the partner to act out, and instead understands that most often they are just trying their hardest to solve a problem dragging their life down the drain. [28:01] The goal of codependency which is self care and detachment is valid and necessary, but trouble comes in when blame is placed on the partner and sees them as part of the problem.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Arizona Board of Behavioral Health Examiners Family Strategies Counseling Center KBuck@familystrategies.org   QUOTES: “Most people are just trying to help someone they love, and figure out their life.” “If you are married to or involved with an addict, there is nothing in the world you can ever do to make that person drink, use, or act out.”   “The partners come in with a lot of trauma. They are trying to manage the crisis and the craziness.” “They are not trying to fight through a label or diagnosis when they walk through our door.” “We don’t make someone wrong, we make them right.” “Find another partner of an addict who doesn’t feel crazy.”

All About Sex and Relationship Healing with Joe Saavedra

Joe Saavedra, is an MFT and sex addiction treatment provider who is passionate about working with people who have the experiences that come with addictive and compulsive behavior. Joe has a true healer’s heart and spirit, and works in an integrity and empathy based model. Today, he talks about the importance of group work, his own story of addiction and recovery, and why there is true power in relational intimacy with others.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:02] Joe does a Men’s Sex Addiction 101 Drop-In Group on Sex and Relationship Healing. The group is successful because it is a great support system, and helps men find healthy connections in a safe and interactive virtual setting. The goal is to build relationships and help people realize they are not alone. [6:44] The goal with Joe’s group work is to get the men into a pattern of activities that stabilize them, and provides a sense of hope. [9:30] Rogerian group therapy is the type of therapy that is non judgemental, accepting and loving. [13:35] The groups are gender separate, because they seek to create a safe space for the addict and keep an open forum. There is also support provided for the betrayed partner. [18:58] Joe has a background in the railroad industry, and during his time working on the railway his own addiction blossomed. He struggled with addiction, and it adversely affected his marriage. He got help and remarried his wife, and continues to take personal inventory of his own actions and stays accountable to others. [26:24] The DIY client thinks they don’t need any help, but in order to truly heal, we need others in our life.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Men’s Sex Addiction 101 Drop-In Discussion Group Emmaus Road jsaavedra@emmausroadcounseling.com   QUOTES: “It’s the therapist's presence that makes the difference.” “Make sure you are making the right click.” “It’s not just a passion for me, it’s a calling.” “It’s about empowering yourself through others.”

Breaking Down our Defenses to Heal with Kristin Snowden

Kristin Snowden is a specialist in helping individuals, couples, and family recover and heal from addiction, depression, anxiety, trauma and relationship challenges such as betrayal and infidelity. She and Rob discuss their time working together at Promises Malibu and Kristin shares what that experience brought her both professionally and personally. She also discusses the importance of education and language in overcoming shame and struggle, why she finds great success in group therapy sessions and more about her bi-monthly webinars on the Sex and Relationship Healing site.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:55] Kristin and Rob ran a treatment program for a number of years called Promises Malibu. This experience of opened her eyes to a new approach for those struggling with active addiction and outpatient care. She was strongly impacted by the work and applied what she was learning to her own relationships. [10:30] Narcissistic defense occurs when one has to get an external reflection of what they are doing right because of a feeling of emptiness on the inside. [14:05] Often people don’t seek help until they are in enough discomfort and realize the choices aren’t working for them and they need a different way. [15:33] There’s a lot of vulnerability in healing a relationship and breaking down our defenses. [20:07] Kristin shifted her thinking from acting based on the perceived rewards to really seeing people for who they are, accepting both their flaws and her own, and lessening “black-and-white” type thinking. [23:52] Kristin feels as though when you are connected with your spirituality or a higher power, you look at what’s happening as though someone else is in control, and it’s okay to let go and surrender. [24:45] Kristin explains the power behind running groups and the connection that occurs when her clients share observations and experiences in the safety of a group. [26:18]  Kristin feels a strong pull to help those who fly under the radar with their issues. They may be high functioning, and she helps them access a higher sense of awareness and consciousness about their addiction and acting out behavior.   [31:18] In owning our vulnerability, it releases us from the anger and self-righteous indignation, and gets right to the pain we need to access for true healing.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Promises Brene Brown Sex and Relationship Healing Kristin Kristin Snowden.com   QUOTES: “I’m hooked, and I love this type of work and am grateful every day to do this type of work.” “Why does the human state seem to change in a state discomfort?” “I’m no different than anyone else.” “We have this wound in us where we are all looking to be loved in spite of our flaws.” “When we clear out our shame and our defenses, we have amazing natural instincts.” “I feel a strong pull to help those under the radar.”  

The Paradox of Intimacy and Hurt with Dr. Leon Seltzer

Dr. Leon Seltzer joins the show today to speak about his work in intimate relationships, early wounding and healing, and the paradoxical relationship of intimacy and independence. He and Rob also discuss how defensive behavior and betrayal mirrors the world of addiction and the role that a family attachment bond later has on picking relationship partners. Dr. Seltzer describes the qualities he sees in couples able to work their way through great difficulties, and what seems to be missing in those unable to overcome betrayal.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:07] Dr. Leon Seltzer has two doctorates, one in English, and the second in Psychology. He is also a prolific blogger for Psychology Today, and has written over 400 articles for the website which have resulted in over 30 million views. [3:24] Those that grew up without a secure attachment bond to their family may have a tougher time trusting their partner. When people aren’t secure within themselves, they are in self protection mode rather than truly able to feel vulnerable. [6:09] A child needs to feel that they can be themselves in their relationship, and yet secure enough to go out on their own and develop self confidence without their parents. [9:49] In order for people to really know us and connect with us on an authentic level, we must pursue an intimate relationship that also includes us being independent. The paradox is that to be completely intimate, we must be able to be independent. [12:03] We want to give the wounded partners time and space to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed, but if they decide to stay in the relationship there is a certain point where the punishing becomes detrimental to moving forward and healing. [15:13] Emotional resourcefulness, empathy without shaming, and ability to express vulnerability are key traits that Dr. Seltzer sees in couples that are able to work through betrayal. The partner acting out must recognize how their behavior has hurt their partner. They also must endure guilt deep enough that they really get how much harm they have done to the other person, so much so that it is unthinkable to do it again. [18:54] If the acting out is due to fear, the partner acting out must learn ways to make them feel less ashamed without going back into the addictive process. [21:08] A large part of betrayed partners healing is recognizing their own behaviors that may be in place to distract or disengage from their own emotions, and to have more compassion for avoidance and defensive behaviors. [25:36] It is common for couples dealing with infidelity to be so focused on the betrayal that they miss opportunities for growth and connection beyond the hurt. You can never get trust back fully right away, rather by degrees in a process that takes time.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy Evolution of the Self Psychology Today: Leon Seltzer   QUOTES: “All intimate relationships are going to be challenging. To have an intimate relationship, you have to be willing to both trust the other person and make yourself vulnerable.” “We all have the innate drive to influence others. That can’t happen unless people can confide in us, without feeling us sitting in judgement of them.” “It’s synonymous to be authentic in your relationship with others, and to be courageous enough to be vulnerable in your relationship with others.” “To have an intimate relationship with another person, you need to feel independent from them.” “Addiction thrives in isolation.” “We live in a world where we can trust only ourselves, or we can trust others.”