Sex, Love, and Addiction

Help Her Heal with Carol the Coach!

Carol Juergensen Sheets is a Coach, Therapist, Speaker, and Author of the book, Help. Her. Heal, in which she discusses how a relationship can recover after sexual betrayal. Carol knows men desperately want to stop their sex addiction and stop hurting the people they care about, but can’t seem to control their compulsion. She wrote her book to help couples through this difficult time and to overcome sex addiction together. In this episode, she explains how to find the right coach to help without breaking the bank, working with a hurt spouse & the person who hurt them, and so much more.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Carol used to do radio about sex addiction before she got into podcasting.  [4:45] How can therapists better help patients who can not afford therapy but desperately need it? [6:20] What are some of the best ways to find a coach?  [10:10] After a betrayal, the partner or spouse no longer feels safe with the person who has hurt them. [11:15] Some men are not ready to give up their sex addiction.  [13:25] Carol’s book, Help. Her. Heal, shows couples that you can overcome a sex addiciton. [14:00] When couples seek therapy, Carol knows the man wants to fix this. He hates seeing his spouse in pain, but he just doesn’t know how to stop it. [16:40] Carol asks the person who has betrayed their spouse to step into the spouse’s shoes and to understand what kind of pain they are currently experiencing.  [18:00] 95% of self-help books are brought by women. Men aren’t reading books like Carols’. [19:10] Some men have good intentions, but for some reason, they simply can not sustain them. Carol has resources for these men.  [20:30] What has changed over the last 15 years when it comes to helping spouses through sex addiction?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com Out of the Doghouse Help. Her. Heal  BlogTalkRadio — Carol the Coach  Carol the Coach Carol the Coach YouTube  APSATS   QUOTES: “People get so overwhelmed [by betrayal] that they completely emotionally disengage, they can’t think clearly, and they can’t make sense of the world.” “Avoidance is a big issue in a sex addict. He thinks if he waits long enough the spouse’s feelings will go away.” “When a man is discovered, he may not really be ready to give up his sex addiction because it was his best friend and medication.” “Unfortunately, oftentimes the partner feels like his actions are the direct reflection of how he feels about her, but it has nothing to do with how he feels about her. It’s a compulsion.” “When he helps her heal, he gets better too. It improves his self-esteem.”

Recovering the Child Within You with Eddie Capparucci

Eddie Capparucci is a licensed therapist and certified in the treatment of sex and porn addiction. He runs a private practice with his wife in Marietta, GA and works with men struggling with sex/porn addiction, as well as their wives who are dealing with betrayal. Eddie recently wrote the book, Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction and talks with Dr. Rob on how men can build their emotional IQ and reconnect emotionally with their families.    TAKEAWAYS: [4:30] Eddie believed he was a broken and perverted person when he struggled with his own porn addiction.  [6:20] If you want to work on your addiction, you need to be able to sit with discomfort.  [9:45] When you’re by yourself after the wife and kids are gone, do you experience anxiety and discomfort?  [11:10] How does Seeking Integrity work with trauma?  [14:05] Eddie wants you to move away from shame or thinking that God hates you.  [15:10] Men, you don’t have to be absent in your family’s lives because you’ve worked long hours!  [16:40] A lot of men that walk into Eddie’s practice have a low emotional IQ.  [19:00] Despite living through a chaotic childhood, you don’t need to distance yourself from your current family.  [21:45] Men get a lot more satisfaction in their work lives than they do in their home lives and that might be because men don’t know how to seek satisfaction in their home lives.  [24:05] Your partners are asking you for memorable moments. Whatever is on the computer or TV is just not as important.  [25:15] What you’re about to do, is it good for the relationship?  [26:35] Eddie and Dr. Rob are not just talking about sex or porn addiction, they’re talking about all addiction.  [29:05] What’s wrong with watching porn? It’s not hurting anyone!  [32:50] Who should read Eddie’s book, Going Deeper?    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Innerchild-sexaddiction.com Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction by Eddie Capparucci Email: EdCappa@gmail.com   QUOTES: “We can’t sit with our emotional pain so we learned to distract and escape.” “Don’t just assume something you don’t like or doesn’t interest you, don’t assume that’s the way it is.” “Maybe there’s a part of you inside that’s longing to play with your family and longing to be loved and connected.” “It was like that in the past, but it doesn't mean it has to continue.” “We don’t necessarily know how to grow closer to others at home, so it’s kind of avoided.”

Restored! Women, Porn, and Addiction with Alice Taylor

Porn is not only a guy’s issue. Women struggle with porn addiction, but you never hear about it. In fact, one in three visitors to adult websites is women! So why is there such silence for women looking for recovery resources? Alice Taylor overcame her addiction to porn by finding healthier, non-sexual, ways to have her needs met. She is the author of Restored: A Woman’s Guide to Overcoming Pornography. On this week’s episode, she shares her journey of recovery and the shame that surrounded her about sexuality and porn.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] What are the cultural differences between the U.S. and Australia?   [5:20] Alice grew up in a household that absolutely didn’t talk about sex or sexuality. Why is this a problem?  [6:50] Alice was 12. She was horny and she found porn on the internet.  [8:50] The best way to talk about pornography online is by having a healthy conversation about it with your children, even when they’re 4 or 7, or 14.  [10:35] When did Alice realize her porn addiction was a problem?  [12:35] Alice entered into an abusive relationship because she was a vulnerable mess desperate for intimacy.  [16:40] Alice is very thankful for therapy. She saw her therapist every two weeks for five years and it helped her process all her feelings and emotions.  [20:55] How does Alice’s husband feel about Alice’s sexually disconnected past?  [23:20] Before therapy, Alice was always afraid.  [24:00] Boys and girls get caught up in porn often for different reasons.  [27:30] Why did Alice write the book, Restored?  [30:20] If you don’t heal your deeper issues, the porn addiction will come back.  [33:30] Before Alice dated her husband, her previous sexual experiences were all bad. It was disconnected and unhealthy and Alice didn’t want to be there anymore.  [35:20] Alice wants to help other women experiencing the same thing she did realize their power and overcome any shame they might have.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   Thegracespot.com Email Alice: Alice@TheGraceSpot.com Restored: A Woman's Guide to Overcoming Pornography Book by Alice Taylor   QUOTES: “The bible says no. Sex is for marriage. Think about it when you’re married.” “When you don’t introduce healthy sexuality into a child’s language, it’s either shamed or tell them it’s bad, that creates problems for them.” “By the time I was 18, I was a vulnerable mess desperate for intimacy, affection, loving touch.” “Therapy was just a huge part of healing for me because when I healed those broken places and acknowledge what my needs were, and have them met in a non-sexual, non-porn way, I had less of need to find porn.” “I had so much fear and PTSD. Every person to me was a threat that will hurt me.”

The Call of Darkness with Dr. Larry Hedges

Dr. Larry Hedges is a psychologist, a psychoanalyst, owns a private practice in Orange County, California and specializes in the training of psychotherapists and psychoanalysts. He is also the Director of the Listening Perspective Center and the Founding Director of the Newport Psychoanalytic Institute in Tustin, California, where he is a supervising and training psychoanalyst. Dr. Larry is the author of numerous papers and books and through his contribution to psychoanalysis over the years, was awarded honorary membership in the American Psychoanalytic Association.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:05] Where do our thoughts of suicide come from?  [4:20] All therapists are required to take a 6-hour course in suicide prevention. [6:50] Nobody truly knows why people are driven to commit suicide.  [9:40] Suicidologists determined that the first two years of life will determine whether someone becomes extremely suicidal or not.  [12:15] It all stems down to trauma and deep attachment issues. [16:35] Should you let your child cry or should you comfort them?  [21:20] Between 4 to 24 months, the mother and baby have a set of attachment scenarios they go through.  [27:55] If the needs of the baby are warped by a depressed, narcissistic or broken mom, the baby becomes stuck in how they become comforted during distress. [30:30] Suicide manipulation doesn’t aim to kill oneself but to get the attention of others.  [33:10] What happens if you have an adult daughter or son trying to kill themselves? What can a parent or loved one do?  [36:15] Dr. Rob and Dr. Larry discuss medical treatments available now to help someone going through suicidal thoughts.  [39:10] Dr. Larry’s book The Call of Darkness is available on Kindle for free!  [41:45] What should you do if you know someone who is suicidal?    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   Listeningperspectives.com The Call of Darkness: A Relational Listening Approach to Suicide Intervention (Listening Perspectives in Psychotherapy) by Lawrence E. Hedges Ph.D   QUOTES: “Our ability to predict and treat suicide is less than chance. We still don’t know what suicide is about.” “The same challenges [we all face] can trigger someone who is deeply vulnerable. It’s the deep vulnerability that goes back to the first two years of life.” “The child learns when I am in pain, I can call on darkness to stop the pain.” “The child may learn to have needs in a certain warped way. If I take care of mother, then she’ll give me what I need.” “What tells us who we are is how the world responds to us.”

Understanding ACE’s (Adverse Childhood Experiences) with Dr. Tian Dayton

Dr. Tian Dayton is a Senior Fellow at The Meadows and she has also authored 15 books on the subject of recovery, trauma, addiction, and more. Dr. Tian is the director of the New York Psychodrama Training Institute and served on the faculty at NYU for eight years as a psychodrama teacher. In Dr. Tian’s latest book, The Soulful Journey of Recovery, she says that “All of us who have been touched, directly or indirectly, by chemical or behavioral addictions and related mental health disorders can benefit from this continuing journey of self-awareness and recovery.”   TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] What is sociometry and how does it help patients?  [4:15] Who should read Dr. Tian’s book, The Soulful Journey of Recovery? [6:35] Finally, people are finally realizing that trauma is a medical problem!  [7:30] Dr. Rob shares an example of how childhood trauma carries over into adult life.  [11:20] When we run into the ability to have our needs met, we also run into all of our fears.  [12:30] Dr. Tian wants to tell couples not to worry about years of unrest. It’s to be expected!  [15:35] Children are unable to psychologically see their parents failing. They blame themselves and this is where a lot of shame and low self-esteem come from.  [16:55] Do you keep picking unavailable people?  [18:55] Dr. Tian recommends to use the book but to also go into a 12-step program. They’re free!  [19:25] As a therapist, Dr. Tian believes 52% of the work has already been done the moment you walk through the door.  [23:25] Our biggest challenge we’re facing today is our lack of community.  [30:45] Isolation is how you punish people. When it happens in your home, it becomes incredibly hard to detect where the true trauma happens.  [31:00] How can couples overcome their childhood traumas?  [33:30] Sense of self can get lost in the relationship as you get closer, but if you let go of that fear, you end up having a stronger self.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Tiandayton.com The Soulful Journey of Recovery by Dr. Tian Dayton Healthy.kaiserpermanente.org Elizabeth Smart   QUOTES: “What increases doctor visits? And they did not expect to find that what increases doctor’s visits are traumatic experiences.” “One of the top traumas that kept popping up was growing up with parents who were addicted.” “Early childhood trauma can lead to problems in adult life. There still seems to be a stigma in our culture that ‘you should have worked through that.’” “When we had parents who hurt us deeply and rejected us deeply, then our childhood fantasies don’t become lived through and made mature.” “It’s so easy to point at the person who is acting out, but if you want to get through and have a marriage, you both are going to have to self-examine.”

BONUS: All We Really Want is a Meaningful Connection with Dr. David Fawcett

BONUS Episode: Today's episode was pulled from Dr. David Fawcett's podcast "Sex, Love, and Addiction: Healing Conversations for Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Men". Dr. Fawcett had the one and only Dr. Rob on to discuss sex addiction and chem sex in men. Dr. Rob dives into why we shouldn’t separate the relationship with drugs and sex in therapy because it’s often combined and needs to be addressed together. He also believes there’s a lot of benefit for hosting gay and straight group therapies together because the commonality of being men can open up a big dialogue and he believes that for most people in therapy, the biggest thing we are seeking is a real and meaningful connection.    TAKEAWAYS:  [2:40] Dr. Rob didn’t realize in the very beginning how drug addiction is so closely linked with sex addiction. We have to look at both, not either/or.  [3:55] How does Dr. Rob see the effect of trauma play into these addictions later in life?  [6:50] Gay, transexual, and transgender people struggle a lot with their relationship to sex, and culturally we still haven’t gotten to openly talk about these issues.  [9:35] Dr. David has seen two worlds collide in a beautiful way. Gay men had their reservations/thoughts about straight men and vice versa. By sharing group therapy sessions together, a real dialogue has begun to open up between them where it’s just men sharing their experiences and trauma.  [11:55] Dr. Rob shares a story about a man who hated what turned him on, but when he did drugs, he was able to indulge in these sexual interests. The work Dr. Rob does has a lot to do with helping people come to peace with their sexual desires. [12:40] Seeking Integrity gets a lot of clients that have a misunderstanding that treatment and addiction are about ‘curing’ themselves, but it’s about self-acceptance.  [16:50] Dr. David breaks down why alcohol is a drug.  [21:25] So many people that Dr. David and Dr. Rob treat are looking for a connection and use drugs to fill it, but in reality, it creates more emptiness.  [25:45] There’s so much more to you than your bodies. As you get older, you’re just not going to get noticed that much and it can be very hurtful to the ego or identify about yourself.    RESOURCES:  Seekingintegrity.com Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men by Dr. Robert Weiss Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Email Rob: Rob@SeekingIntegrity.com   QUOTES:  “People are what grounds us, not substances or behaviors.”  “Which one defines your entire life more? Being male or being gay? Man trumps gay every time.”  “To define sessions as ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ is to sort of like saying why don’t we have a program for African American men or Asian men? There’s so much in common being a man struggling with sexual issues.”  “Our work is a lot about teaching a person to come to peace or celebrate their sexuality without having to use drugs and alcohol.” 

Women Experience Porn Addiction Too with Lacy A. Bentley

Lacy A. Bentley is the Founder and CEO of Women United Recovery Coalition, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of female pornography addiction. She is the author of Addicted to Love, an international bestseller, and is currently collaborating with Dr. Rob on a book about sex addiction. Lacy shares some of her thoughts on why so many women feel like they have to hide in shame because of this addiction and how this addiction gets developed in the first place.     TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] How did Lacy get into this line of work? [4:05] What does it mean that women ‘don’t have’ porn issues? We are ignoring a huge population here!  [5:15] Female security is changing. Women are becoming much more visual. The porn industry has been marketing to women since at least the early 90s.  [7:45] For some women, porn addiction is very real. They become compulsive with it.  [13:00] Women suffering from porn addiction experience a deeper level of shame compared to their male counterparts.  [14:15] When you say addiction doesn’t exist, you make people who are experiencing very real feelings feel invalided and shamed. It takes away their hope.  [15:45] Every woman is different. Why they get addicted to porn it is often for very different and varied circumstances.  [22:00] There is an important distinction between determining whether porn addiction is real or whether the person just has some guilty feelings come up from watching porn. How does Lacy help her clients realize it’s an addiction vs. not?  [25:25] Why do some women struggle with porn and others don’t? [28:15] Feel free to reach out to Lacy if you have any questions!     RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   Email Lacy: Lacy@HerRecoveryRoadmap.com Addicted to Love: Recovery, Empowerment and Finding Your True Self by Lacy Alajna Bentley Lacy on LinkedIn Women United Recovery Coalition on Facebook Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power by Charlotte S. Kasl  QUOTES: “I go up and talk to a Ph.D., who is the head of a big recovery program, and I say to him, ‘Why do you not address female porn?’ and he says to me, ‘Women don’t have those problems.’ You just double shamed and invalided many women.” “Women certainly carry a lot more shame because women aren’t supposed to look at porn. Women are supposed to be nice. Women don’t do that!” “I have my own moral code and it’s not my job to assign mine to my client.”

Not Living The Life That We Want to Live — Sex Addiction Recovery with Jason Swilling

Jason Swilling is the Program Manager at Seeking Integrity and works alongside addicts at the treatment center. He is on the ground working one-on-one with individuals seeking recovery from sex addiction and shares his experiences with Dr. Rob on today’s episode. How is a treatment center different than a support group? Does drug addiction differ from sex addiction? All these questions answered and more!    TAKEAWAYS: [2:35] Jason has worked with addicts in some form for over 20 years.  [3:35] Is there a difference between patients who are recovering from sex addiction vs. drug addiction? [4:55] Older patients take recovery much more seriously than a 25-year-old in recovery because they have established a stable home life and they are completely scared to lose everything.  [7:15] What’s the difference between going through a treatment center vs. a support group?  [11:55] Jason explains the differences between people who experience guilt vs. self-hatred for their actions. [15:15] There’s something magical about treatment where everyone develops a very strong bond within a short amount of time.  [16:35] The body will heal if you put it in the right circumstances.  [18:30] In this therapeutic environment, the first thing people learn is how to be intimate in this safe environment.   [21:05] When people go through treatment, their hearts begin to open up for the very first time.  [23:20] How does spiritual work help with recovery?  [27:15] By hearing each other’s stories, people going through recovery are able to grieve and really reflect on their own journeys and decisions that they’ve made.  [31:35] Jason shares a story of a man feeling comfortable enough to reveal a trauma that he has held on to (and never told anyone) for 50 years.  [33:25] The goal at Seeking Integrity is to develop healthy lives without shame or guilt.     RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “The opposite of addiction is connection.” “The person who is sharing realizes they’re not alone whereas when we’re isolated in our addiction we do feel like we’re alone.” “Our body seeks to heal. The body will heal if you put it in the right circumstances.” “As an addict, in our addiction, we have this lack of intimacy, this inability to be intimate with others. We have to hide.”

Are You Stuck in a Relationship Ditch? With Charlene Benson

Charlene Benson is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and fluent in American Sign Language. She is out with a new book, Unstuck: Move From Powerless to Empowered in Your Relationships, which details the ways you can get out of a relationship (romantic or non-romantic) ditch. When we are experiencing conflict in our relationships, we tend to want a complete 180 change from that person. However, it’s important to realize that it takes time to develop good habits and it takes time to overcome past development experiences that have consciously or unconsciously shaped who we are.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:45] What inspired Charlene to write her book? [6:15] Charlene’s book, Unstuck, is for every relationship, whether it be romantic, work-related, or platonic.  [9:40] Our deepest fear is abandonment and rejection. A ‘me’ focused person tries to protect themselves from feeling abandoned. The ‘others’ focused person tries to protect themselves from rejection.  [13:55] The first thing towards getting unstuck is to develop awareness and the second is to set realistic expectations for yourself; huge change comes from tiny steps.  [14:55] Sometimes you have to take two steps back to take one step forward. Your brain takes time to adjust to new changes.  [17:35] Name your fears out loud when you start to feel like you’re being abandoned or rejected. Where are these feelings coming from?  [24:30] Why is it that therapists constantly look at the past/childhood development when dealing with trauma?  [28:15] When we understand what our natural default behaviors are, we can change them and become more empowered.  [31:55] Running away from our fears to protect ourselves can actually be the very thing that makes your fear come true!    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Bensontherapist.com Email Charlene: CBensonBooks@Gmail.com Charlene on LinkedIn Unstuck: Move from Powerless to Empowered in Your Relationships by Charlene Benson QUOTES: “When we don’t know how to balance what I want and what you want at the same time, we will default to our pre-programmed pattern of either giving up what I want or being the one that leads the way.” “Until we become aware of what’s going on and what we’re doing, we can’t make any change.” “We so want our spouse to change 180 degrees yesterday, but they can’t. Look for the tiny little changes instead.” “We wake up every day with the sum total of our past experiences.”

Defining Love Again After a Betrayal with Michelle Mays

Michelle Mays is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Relational Recovery with offices both in Leesburg, VA, and Washington, DC., where she and her team deliver treatment to addicts and betrayed partners. Today’s topic covers how couples can overcome betrayal after infidelity and why it’s perfectly normal to have an attachment ambivalence pattern towards the person who has hurt you. Michelle dives in on some of the challenges couples face as they build the trust back up again and underlines why the hurt partner needs a support group to help them through this chaotic time in their life.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:35] If a partner cheats on you, how do you define love after that?  [8:00] Dealing with cheating is difficult because it presents itself as a unique type of trauma. You begin to experience an ‘I love you today’ and ‘I hate you tomorrow’ attitude.  [9:35] Our brains give us two contradicting messages at the same time. One is to repair the damage so you can find safety again in your partner and the other is to run away.  [16:55] Things might seem like everything is back on track in therapy, but it takes time for the hurt partner to not be reminded by the pain. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.  [19:15] Love becomes a big question mark after infidelity. It is not a given.  [20:25] If you’re going to cheat, tell your partner first. Do it in real-time, not after the fact.  [23:20] Michelle explains the benefits of getting the betrayed partner into a support group.  [29:20] The partner recovering from betrayal is left with a massive hole for which they can get their support. You need a safe base in this chaotic time in your life.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Partner Hope  Center for Relational Recovery  michellemays@relationalrecovery.com Dr. Barbara Steffens   QUOTES: “The person you usually turn to for safety is now the person that has hurt you.” “People who have been cheated on experience attachment ambivalence. The word ambivalence means to feel two opposing things at exactly the same time.” “It starts to feel like when I’m in a safe space, I get hurt. Betrayal really takes the safety out of that.” “Cheat all you want, but ask your partner first. It’s the lying, it’s the disconnection in the relationship. This will kill a relationship.”