Partner Empathy with Carol the Coach

Carol Juergensen Sheets, Coach, Columnist, Therapist and Speaker joins the show today to talk about her best selling workbook and roadmap, Help. Her. Heal, written to help both betrayed partners and addicts overcome the trauma associated with infidelity. She and Rob talk about her focus on empathy towards the betrayed partner, and resources within the workbook where couples can start rebuilding trust and intimacy. Carol is always one step ahead in the field, and spreads her message to thousands using her coaching, videos, books, and podcasts. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:28] Many times sex addicts struggle with truly feeling empathatic towards the partner they betrayed. Carol’s techniques and formulas help the addict learn to acknowledge pain, validate the partner’s feelings, and reassure that things in the future will be different. When we work from the premise that the sex addict is the one responsible for the pain, we can start to rebuild (or build) empathy, and it is a cyclical dance of healing for both. 

[5:32] Carol describes her formula for empathy and building trust: 

1. Acknowledge the issue and the source of pain (take responsibility). 
2. Validate the feelings of their partner instead of dismissing or minimizing them. Learn to identify what they see on their partner such as anger, sadness, loneliness, fear or happiness. 
3. Identify the plan in forward-thinking and be ready to be a safe container for all their fears and feelings throughout the process. 

[11:34] After a betrayal, it may not always get back to normal right away or even ever at all. It is important that both parties stick through the process and continue to do their best to be honest and vulnerable. 

[11:51] Carol explains that out of every trauma that anyone can go through, partner betrayal ranks very high towards the top. A trauma bond occurs and if not worked through, the partner will most likely not be able to trust again. 

[13:02] Healing isn’t an overnight process. It may take the same amount of time in healing for betrayal as it does for an addict to heal their brain, sometimes even over 3-5 years. 

[18:40] Working on the relationship provides an opportunity for parents to show their children what it looks like when two adults trust, respect, and listen to each other. 

[23:11] Help. Her. Heal is something the addict will read and buy, but the betrayed partner is encouraged to be in on the work as well. It will work best when they use it and apply the principles together. The work can also be shared with any therapist or clinician the couple is working with. 

[24:55] Carol has the oldest running podcast in the field of sexual addiction and partner betrayal on the internet. 

 

RESOURCES: 

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com 

Out of the Doghouse

Help. Her. Heal 

BlogTalkRadio -- Carol the Coach 

Carol the Coach 

Carol the Coach YouTube 

Patrick Carnes 

APSATS

 

QUOTES:

• “Addicts want empathy in their life, and they want to learn it because they don’t have it.” 
• “A partner wants to know that the addict gets her pain, and he caused it.” 
• “Partners typically want to stay in the relationship.”