Part 2: Dr. Jessica Higgins: How Do You Learn to Forgive?

Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology and today she continues her discussion around forgiveness in part two of this episode. Dr. Rob and Dr. Jessica talk about why expressing vulnerability is not a weakness but an opening to a better relationship future, how to recover after a conflict and speak your peace, and why emotional unavailability and lack of connection tend to be more painful than the actual act of cheating in itself. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:30] It is possible to communicate healthy agreements on what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship.

[3:30] Sometimes therapists assume or expect that the betrayed spouse will know how to react or talk to their spouse who is struggling with addiction. 

[7:10] Instead of complaining to your spouse right away, there are benefits to journaling or writing down your thoughts about what their actions meant to you and how you perceived it. 

[9:10] If we share vulnerability, your partner is more likely going to respond positively to that than if you were to act aggressively or accusatory. 

[11:30] After reading hundreds of letters from betrayed spouses, it was never the cheating that hurt them the most. It was the emotional unavailability. 

[14:30] You can show up in little ways and it will begin you on the path of having your betrayed partner feel valued again. 

[18:20] The most important part to relationships is how you repair after a conflict or mistake. 

[22:20] What are some indicators that a relationship is completely done? 

[25:30] Interested in working with Dr. Jessica? Link to her website is in the show notes. 

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss

Drjessicahiggins.com

Shifting Criticism guide

Empowered Relationship Podcast link

Dr. Jessica Higgins Website

QUOTES:

• “There’s an attempt to control your partner [when feeling hurt], this is understandable to want to feel that protection, to help your partnership, but it’s counterintuitive. It’s going to create a false sense of trust.”

• “Almost every time, betrayed partners write about how [their partner] felt unavailable. Didn’t think about how much I really needed you. You didn’t open up to me and I felt alone.”

• “The harm people cause each other is not the important part of this whole picture. We make mistakes. The important part is all in the repair. It’s not that you make a mistake, it’s you going back and saying you didn’t do that right.”