Part 1: Couples, Conflict and Resolution with Dr. Stan Tatkin

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses what really is the glue that keeps relationships together, why they are so messy, and how you can better define it with the person you love. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[3:50] Let’s talk about conflict in a relationship. 

[5:05] What do people actually view as ‘important’? 

[7:05] People have the ability to ‘make things up’, so it’s important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to a relationship. 

[9:25] Someone might be something you’ve always wanted, but they’re also going to be a lot of things that ‘you don’t want’. It’s important to navigate through that. 

[11:20] There has to be a reason why two people join together and it has to be for more than just love. 

[18:50] How can you move through a relationship consciously? 

[23:00] When you’re in the middle of conflict, how do you resolve it or go through it in a healthy way? 

[28:35] Sometimes, you need to fall on your sword so that you and your partner can find a way to communicate again. It’s a team sport. 

[32:40] Like with everything, good conflict resolution is a skill that anybody can learn. As you learn, you’ll make mistakes, you won’t be perfect, but you will get better at it. 

[33:30] How do you have agreement when there’s been a betrayal? 

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss

Thepactinstitute.com

In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin

 

QUOTES:

• “Conflict is a very human thing. If you’re a human primate, you’re going to get into conflict.”

• “In a relationship that we are creating, we have to define it. We have to make sure that we are creating the same picture in our heads.”

• “Love and attraction wanes. A lot goes. But we’re still accountable if we’re going to play fair and work together.”