Inside the Mind of a Cheater with Dr. Rob

Dr. Rob shares some insights on what goes on in the mind of a cheater. Men do not see cheating as big of a betrayal as women do because they have the ability to detach sex from the relationship, whereas a woman will see sex as deeply connected to the relationship and when that breaks, a whole foundation comes down which can take over a year to recover from.

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:15] What is considered cheating? Is porn cheating? How about webcamming? How about talking to your exes? 

[4:05] Cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.

[5:40] Cheating doesn’t have to be sex, either. You can lie to your spouse about money and that is also considered to be cheating. 

[7:20] Men, for the most part, have the ability to detach sex from the relationship. 

[8:45] A man typically doesn’t know how to fully heal their infidelity without professional help. Men just don’t understand women. 

[11:35] It can take a year or more for a woman to overcome the betrayal and men want to repair the relationship way faster than that. 

[13:15] Partners are often last to know about their partner’s infidelity. 

[15:25] What goes on in the mind of a cheater? 

[19:40] Spouses get caught in a cycle of trying to discover the true infidelity of the cheater because cheaters will only reveal information in steps or based on what you have uncovered. 

[23:40] Are cheaters narcissists? 

[29:20] Cheaters cheat because it gives them some form of control. 

[31:15] Healthy people reach toward people for support and the addict reaches away. 

 

RESOURCES: 

The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’?

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

 

QUOTES:

• “I call cheating the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.”
• “If you love somebody, you’re deeply connected to them, you’re not looking for what they’re doing wrong, you’re looking for what they’re doing right.”
• “Secrets kill relationships. Secrets kill trust. Trust is the backbone of the relationship.”  
• “I have been running away from home for years. When all we really want to do is go ‘home’.”
• “When you’re in an affair, it’s very controllable. Nobody’s going to hurt you or let you down.”