Ambushed by Betrayal - The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners

In today’s episode, Dr. Rob talks with Michele Saffier and Allan Katz about their book, Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on Their Heroes' Journey to Healthy Intimacy, which was written after the two met in a psycho trauma workshop. Michele has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1993. She was trained with Dr. Rob in the field of Sexual Addiction and went on to private practice and began using the trauma model after three years. Allan is a licensed Professional Counselor (LPC/MHSP) in the states of Tennessee and Mississippi and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. With over 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur and marketing consultant, he, later on, shifted to become a professional therapist to help others in the field of sex addiction. They share how their book can help betrayed partners heal from their trauma and learn healthy intimacy.

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:55] A little introduction of Michelle and how Dr. Rob knows her.

[3:15] Michelle didn’t work in the field of addiction before and recalls the young couple she worked with that inspired her journey.

[4:25] A little bit about Allan as well and how he became a therapist.

[6:50] Michelle sees herself as a trauma therapist. She explains why.

[8:40] How does Allan work with the spouses to empathize with their addict partners who don't see it from a trauma perspective?

[11:00] Allan shares how he transitioned from helping people non-professionally and the difference with being a professional therapist.

[13:00] Michelle recommends partners to watch comedy shows and shares how this helps their recovery.

[14:20] Betrayed partners take on the personal responsibility of causing their addict partner to act out. Allan shares his thoughts on this.

[16:50] Michelle sees from the betrayed partner an attachment trauma and explains why. 

[18:30] How does Michelle help a spouse learn that empathy may not be forthcoming?

[21:25] Dr. Rob asks Michelle and Allan about the book they wrote called, Ambush By Betrayal. How did they come up with the title?

[23:35] Dr. Rob shares the subtitle of their book and asks how their hero’s journey evolved.

[24:45] Michelle realized that in the same spirit of prodependency, they want their readers to be empowered. She shares how there can be beauty in this broken life.

[25:50] Michelle and Allan met in a psycho trauma workshop. Allan shares what psycho trauma is and how that relates to their book.

[30:00] What they want to achieve with their book is to provide a release from all the hurt, pain, and unworthiness and physically do something with it. Michelle talks through this process further.

[33:20] For the betrayed person, anger is the only way they can protect their heart from their perpetrator. Michelle shares how they can help them see the wounded person underneath.

 

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Ambush By Betrayal by Michele Saffier and Allan Katz

Allanjkatz.com

Traumahealingpa.com

 

QUOTES:

• “The behavior is the behavior but really, they’re these little wounded boys and girls trying to survive.”
• “If you’ve been in a good relationship, then there’s obviously another reason why somebody would do these things and go off and be with somebody else or look at pornography or whatever. I’m not condoning it or saying it’s right; it was a choice but there is such a thing as addiction and that’s what we have to look at.”
• “You’ve got to be empathic rather than defensive because the main thing your spouse or partner wants to know is that you really do understand what you’ve put her through.”
• “The primary attachment is the person that has my back, my beloved and the one that wherever I am in the world, is my home.”