Sex, Love, and Addiction

Part 2: The Power of a Witness with Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty consider the role of a therapist as a witness – one that supports with empathy and compassion. They share the questions to ask a therapist before the first session, and how to identify the right trauma therapist that will lead you to recovery and healing. Healing is meant to happen in communities, and together Dr. Rob and O’Flaherty inspire and encourage listeners to connect with those that can be a witness to healing. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:25] The place for empathy and compassion. 
[3:25] Finding the right trauma therapist. 
[5:10] Questions to ask therapists before the first session.
[8:25] A good therapist is the first medicine in healing. 
[11:53] Dr. O’Flaherty’s book Flight with Weighted Wings. 
[15:45] Healing happens in community. 
[19:29] Connecting with Dr. O’Flaherty.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Johanna O’Flaherty
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“If you have wounded me, it may not be my job initially to have empathy for you.” 
“How do you feel when you sit with a therapist?” 
“The best therapy is not about the work, it’s about the relationship.” 
“Healing happens in community.” 

Part 1: The Power of a Witness with Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty explore witnesses – the people who have seen your experiences and are ready to help you move forward. When you begin questioning whether your experience was real, why you acted out the way you did, or what really happened, a witness can offer direction and healing as you move forward, without the demonization and destigmatization that often faces addicts. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[3:27] What does recovery mean? 
[6:15] Who do you want to take with, and who do you want to leave behind? 
[7:55] A witness will help shape your experience. 
[10:10] Pain and shame makes more sense with a witness’s perspective. 
[12:40] Where are the hospices for the addicted? 
[13:50] Overcoming prejudice against addicts in the recovering community. 
[20:58] Sex addiction and porn addiction garner very little support. 
[25:54] Education on healthy sexuality in recovery. 
[32:15] Reembracing sexuality in recovery. 
[34:47] Revealing trauma, then moving forward. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Johanna O’Flaherty
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“A witness helps shape who we become and how we walk through life.” 
“Where are the hospices for the addicted?” 
“In the journey of healing, we need to give people hope.” 
“What we long for in a relationship is intimacy, and then sexuality.”

Part 2: Betrayal Happens to Men Too with Adam Nisenson

Adam Nisenson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about betrayed men. They share the worst advice a betrayed man can hear, how to determine if reconciliation is the right next step, and the reality that being cheated on does not justify cheating. Adam shares resources, including The ManKind Project, that have helped him through his own healing and how to engage men who have no interest in therapy. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:44] Reconciling is possible, but not always preferred. 
[3:40] Therapy for the men who have no interest in therapy. 
[7:20] 12-Step programs for betrayed men. 
[9:55] She cheated, should I have sex with someone else? 
[11:45] The worst advice a betrayed man can hear. 
[14:51] Determining if reconciliation is the right next step. 
[17:36] My needs aren’t being met. Does that justify cheating? 
[19:39] The ManKind Project. 
[24:02] Does age affect a man’s ability to heal from betrayal? 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Adam Nisenson
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“She might have done this to you, but it’s also happening to you. What do you want to do about it?”
“If you need help, ask for help!” 
“Even if your partner cheated on you, that doesn’t give you permission to cheat.” 

Part 1: Betrayal Happens to Men Too with Adam Nisenson

Adam Nisenson, also known as The Betrayal Shrink, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Together with Dr. Rob he highlights the need for betrayed men to have support and healing just as much as women do. He shares his own healing journey, the support that he offers men who have been betrayed, and why he believes that his own betrayal experience was actually worth it. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:25] The depth of Adam’s betrayal as a man. 
[6:20] Adam recalls his feelings on D-Day. 
[8:52] The importance of having a safe, supportive place to grieve.
[9:50] Rediscovering self-worth when reconciling or separating. 
[13:53] Projecting unhealthy anger on others gives them the power.
[17:55] Navigating betrayal from a child’s perspective. 
[20:02] Adam’s decision to support other betrayed men. 
[22:45] Key differences between betrayed men and women. 
[26:44] Is it just sex? Or is it love? 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Adam Nisenson
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Having a safe, healthy place to grieve and be seen was a game-changer for me.” 
“Projecting unhealthy anger on others gives them the power.” 
“I wanted to make therapy cool for men.” 
“Emotional betrayal is just as painful as physical betrayal, and they both destroy trust.” 
“It was through my pain that I discovered who I really was.” 

Insights Into Treatment from Seeking Integrity Clinical Director Erin Snow

Erin Snow is the Clinical Director at Seeking Integrity, CSAT, and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She and Dr. Rob discuss a week-by-week overview of residential treatment, the key points of trauma work and treatment, and the hope that she regularly sees as addicts encounter consequences, confront early trauma, and what it really takes to heal individuals and their loved ones from addiction. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:08] Erin’s journey toward Seeking Integrity. 
[4:50] The healing at Seeking Integrity focuses on much more than sex addiction. 
[7:41] Key points of trauma work and treatment. 
[12:15] Why is my partner connecting to their therapist but not me? 
[13:43] A week-by-week overview of residential treatment. 
[20:29] Attachment and connection are not what a spouse is thinking about. 
[26:28] Why isn’t our relationship enough to make him change? 
[31:00] What is it like for Erin being a woman working with addict men? 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Erin Snow
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“I can see an opportunity for my clients to find meaning in living again.” 
“In trauma work, you can lose yourself in the why and never move to the place of how to move on from this.” 
“Healing happens the way it's supposed to as long as you’re doing the next right thing.” 

Part 2: Finding Intimacy in Sex with Dr. Erika Schwartz

Dr. Rob and Dr. Erika Schwartz continue their discussion about the connection between intimacy and sex. She highlights the role of hormones in sex addiction and betrayal, addresses the myths of monogamy, and counters the dangerous statement that too many betraying partners tell themselves, because what you don’t know actually will hurt you, will hurt your partner, and will hurt everyone around you.  
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:22] Coming to peace with the trauma that happens in betrayal. 
[4:25] Who were you before you came into this relationship? 
[6:02] The power of opening up when overcoming betrayal trauma. 
[9:08] The role of hormones in sex addiction and betrayal. 
[11:10] What does monogamy look like in humans? 
[14:28] The deeper hurt that comes when love appears while cheating. 
[19:15] What you don’t know won’t hurt you, or will it? 
[21:20] Connect with Dr. Erika Schwartz. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Dr. Geoff Goodman
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Erika Schwartz
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“If humans are monogamous, why are we all having affairs? It’s because monogamy is a choice.”
“Sexuality and intimacy are not the same. That’s when we start behaving differently.” 
“Love is the core of everything. If it’s love, move out of the way.” 
“What you don’t know will hurt me, will hurt you, and will hurt everyone around you.” 

Part 1: Finding Intimacy in Sex with Dr. Erika Schwartz

Dr. Rob and Dr. Erika Schwartz discuss the connection between intimacy and sex – what it is, how it varies based on age, gender, and culture, and what a partner’s betrayal really means about the relationship. The author of The Intimacy Solution, Dr. Erika explores the connection between sex and intimacy at all stages of life and answers the question that so many betrayed partners grapple with – “If you really loved me, why would you do this?” 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:28] Dr. Erica defines the key differences between sex and intimacy.
[4:45] Gender and cultural insights into sex and intimacy. 
[7:48] The link between the pathology of addicts and lack of communication in relationships. 
[10:27] “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t do this.” 
[14:42] The reasons partners choose to leave or to stay. 
[16:15] The danger of trying to hold on to the intensity of the 18-year-old life. 
[17:34] Oxytocin is a key component of intimacy and connection. 
[21:52] Does “in sickness and in health” apply to betrayal and addiction? 
[27:15] Your partner’s addiction isn’t about you, but it is about honoring the truth. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Dr. Geoff Goodman
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Erika Schwartz
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“You can live a much easier life if you see how the other side views sexuality and intimacy.” 
“There is a lot in sexuality that we don’t talk about that we should be talking about.” 
“You have to figure out how to fix your problem. Your partner can’t do it for you.” 
“If they are everything to you, then you are nothing to yourself.” 

Part 2: A Deep Dive Into Trauma: The Good, The Bad and The Sad

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty continue their discussion about trauma. How can recovering addicts find the healing that they need when trauma is still unknown? How can you gather the right team to support you in your recovery work? How can you find peace following big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma? They answer these questions and consider the gift of working on yourself and the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your voice as you navigate your recovery journey.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:27] How can I find the right therapist to help with my trauma work? 
[5:25] The importance of gathering the right team to support you in recovery work. 
[7:20] Seeking Integrity resources that are available when finances are limited. 
[9:28] Differences between big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma. 
[12:35] Facing the haunting vision that triggers you. 
[19:10] How can I come to peace following such major violations? 
[24:02] Approaching brokenness and filling the void that once came with betrayal. 
[26:06] The focus of the Seeking Integrity women’s intensives is not on the spouse. 
[28:17] Are you ready to accept the consequences of doing whatever you want? 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Dr. Geoff Goodman
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Interview your therapist and find out what experience they have in trauma.” 
“The beginning of trauma work is awareness.” 
“I want you to discover the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your own voice.” 
“For every piece of work you can do on yourself, you are offering a gift to someone else.” 

Part 1: A Deep Dive Into Trauma: The Good, The Bad and The Sad

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty explore trauma – what exactly is it, how does it come about, and what can you do about it? They consider the wounded healer, the importance of integrating all lived experiences to become whole again, and the role of self-forgiveness in overcoming trauma. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma, and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:21] A little bit about Dr. O’Flaherty and her passion for trauma recovery. 
[3:54] Dr. O’Flaherty is celebrating 47 years of personal recovery. 
[5:40] The archetype of the wounded healer. 
[7:31] Integrating all of our experiences is an essential part of becoming whole. 
[9:18] Trauma happens outside an individual’s coping skills. 
[11:20] Trauma will not leave you alone until you do trauma work.
[12:31] Self forgiveness is an essential first step to overcoming reenacting. 
[16:44] Ancestral trauma can impact you and the next generation. 
[20:42] My husband has been cheating on me. Why does ancestral trauma matter?
[22:50] Incident trauma happens when an event changes a person’s entire life. 
[25:45] The impact of combat trauma and prolonged trauma. 
[28:02] The concept of trauma has been overutilized. What can you do to heal? 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Dr. Geoff Goodman
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“We’re all wounded in some form or another.” 
“We have to take back those wounded parts of us that we want to banish out of our minds.” 
“A traumatic event is so extraordinary that it is outside the individual’s coping abilities.” 
“Trauma will not leave you alone. It continues to raise it’s ugly head.” 
“We go into the vortex of the pain to take the power out of the memory.” 
“That which is not transformed is transmitted to the next generation.” 

Part 2: Stop Blaming Yourself with Tamara Cooper

Dr. Rob and Tamara Cooper continue their discussion about codependency, boundaries, and the communal value of sharing your experience with others who have found themselves in similar situations. Tamara highlights the Empowered Women Retreat, a place for betrayed partners to heal in a safe and supportive space, as well as affordable options for healing for those who don’t have the resources for therapy.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:13] How does codependency fit into addiction and trauma betrayal? 
[4:15] Addiction is a disease that affects the whole family. 
[7:01] The model at Seeking Integrity is entirely supportive and judgement free. 
[9:37] Setting boundaries is an essential step toward help and healing. 
[11:48] Details about the Empowered Women Retreat. 
[15:15] The communal power of sharing your experience with others. 
[21:17] Where to turn when your spouse can’t be your go-to person anymore. 
[27:25] Offering love to your addict can give them hope in themselves. 
[29:05] Options for healing when you don’t have the resources for therapy.
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Dr. Geoff Goodman
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Tamara Cooper
 
QUOTES:
“Addiction is a team sport. You don’t just run the race, you drag the whole bench out with you.” 
“If you haven’t walked a mile in the addiction shoe, I wouldn’t suggest you don’t talk about how the shoe fits.” 
“When we set boundaries, that is the ask for help.” 
“As addicts, they don’t feel worthy of love, and they can’t understand why anyone, especially the person they hurt so much, would still have love for them.  And that gives them hope for themselves.”