Sex, Love, and Addiction

Part 2: Learning to Trust Yourself After Gaslighting

Tara Beall-Gomes and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about next-level gaslighting, including red flag behaviors in therapy, role-playing dialogues that highlight gaslighting language, and the role that a therapist can play in finding closure after years of betrayal. Tara also offers encouragement to a partner that is working to regain their spouses trust, and resources for anyone who is unable to pay for extensive therapy. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:25] Now he’s gaslighting our therapist? 
[3:48] Is gaslighting abusive? 
[5:27] Role-play examples of gaslighting, projecting, and controlling. 
[10:58] Shame and empathy with rigorous honesty. 
[15:43] “I knew all along.” Now what? 
[21:37] I can’t believe anything my spouse says. 
[25:25] Identifying the core values that drive our reactions. 
[32:55] The role of your therapist in finding closure. 
[34:50] Red flags in therapy behavior. 
[38:52] Next steps when an addict has support and you don’t.
[43:31] How can a partner ever trust again? 
[46:15] Encouragement and free resources. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Tara Beall-Gomes
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Gaslighting is relational and strategic, while lying is an isolated behavior.” 
“Closure is incredibly important in about to find peace, but it doesn’t have to mean agreement.” 
“You can’t derail your own trauma work and recovery when dealing with your partner.” 
“If you want to trust again, you have to trust yourself first.” 
“You are enough, and you can do this.” 

Part 1: Learning to Trust Yourself After Gaslighting

Tara Beall-Gomes is a certified CT and FL therapist who founded Grit and Grace Recovery, which focuses on betrayal trauma, sex, and porn addiction. Together with Dr. Rob she highlights key differences between simple lies and manipulative gaslighting tactics, the impact that gaslighting has on a partnership, and the importance of empowering a gaslit partner after years of not knowing whether they can trust themselves. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[4:11] What is gaslighting from a therapist's perspective? 
[6:13] Gaslighting affects more than your partnership.
[7:44] Patterns in gaslighting, and why they appear. 
[12:35] Simple lies or real gaslighting tactics? 
[15:01] Common couples gaslighting patterns in Tara’s office. 
[20:31] Empowering a gaslit partner. 
[23:04] Defining the ‘victim’ and the ‘problem’. 
[26:33] Learning to trust your gut. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Tara Beall-Gomes
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Once we understand what something means, we can understand how we can change those behaviors in order to be construction instead of destructive.” 
“Chances are, your gaslighting tactics are not just being used in your coupleship, but other areas of your life too.” 
“Staying in the victim role is not going to contribute to optimal healing.” 

Part 2: Deconstructing the Stages of Gaslighting

Sarah Morales and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about the progression of gaslighting. Whether intentional or not, gaslighting always happens slowly and stages, and ultimately results in the inability to trust one’s self. In this discussion, Sarah offers tactics for awareness, identification and healing from gaslighting at every stage. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:20] The progression of gaslighting. 
[4:18] “Let me check in with myself.” 
[6:27] What percentage of your childhood included gaslightling? 
[9:17] The end result of gaslighting happens a little bit at a time. 
[10:32] 7 techniques that fall under the gaslighting umbrella.
[13:08] Levels of awareness and motives behind gaslighting. 
[24:28] Passive aggressive behavior and other gaslighting roles.
[27:55] Determining the frequency of gaslighting. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Sarah Morales
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“An inability to trust one’s self is the most significant thing that happens with gaslighting.” 
“Gaslightling is not what happened, it’s how many things happened.” 
“The easiest and fastest way to recognize gaslighting is through the roles we play.” 

Part 1: Deconstructing the Stages of Gaslighting

Sarah Morales is a Certified Life and Relationship Coach and gaslighting specialist who also sits on the board of APSATS – the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts and Trauma Specialists. Together with Dr. Rob she deconstructs the stages of gaslighting, explains the differences between gaslighting, manipulation and guilt, and addresses common emotions and doubts that partners have when they are being gaslit. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[3:19] The motivation behind Sarah’s work with gaslighting. 
[5:42] What are common gaslighting patterns? 
[8:00] Differentiating between manipulation, guilt, and gaslighting. 
[10:51] Flowcharts to breakdown gaslighting. 
[12:37] Stages of progressive and chronic gaslighting. 
[17:35] Cognitive dissonance at higher levels of gaslighting. 
[19:41] Do gaslighters know what they are doing? 
[23:33] Diversion tactics and self-abandonment. 
[28:40] Maybe my gaslighter is actually right about me? 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Sarah Morales
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Gaslighting undermines partners who are asking for what they need in order to feel safe in a relationship.” 
“Gaslighting only works when it happens from a person that we’re supposed to be able to trust.” 
“Eventually I no longer see myself through my own eyes, I only see myself through my gaslighter’s eyes.” 

Betrayal Brain with Debbie McRae

Debbie McRae and Tami tackle ‘betrayal brain’, the intrusive thoughts, and emotional flooding that often accompany betrayal. When the brain is in survival mode, neurological and psychological effects are out of the betrayed partner’s control. They discuss tactics to regain control when the brain is hijacked. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:26] When betrayal occurs, the architecture of the brain is reshaped. 
[4:50] Warning signs of betrayal brain. 
[5:46] Four areas of the brain are affected by betrayal. 
[10:45] Triggers can occur even when the relationship feels safe. 
[12:07] Regaining control when the brain is hijacked. 
[25:37] Self-compassion practices and therapy after betrayal. 
[27:30] The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react.
[31:41] Keeping regulation expectations simple.
[33:54] Does my PTSD and anxiety make it harder to overcome betrayal brain? 
[40:12] What boundaries can I enact with a sex addict who is breaking the law?
[46:17] Handling abandonment to create safety. 
[49:10] How can I increase my functionality to what it was before PTSD?
 
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES
“When betrayal occurs, it shatters trust in an instant.”
“Even neutral interactions that the betrayed partner is experiencing can be triggering.” 
“The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react when it senses threat.” 
“Self care is brain care.” 
 

Is He an Addict or Just an A**hole?

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and Erin Snow answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They consider timelines in recovery, what full disclosure entails, and how to know if your partner is an addict or just a full-blown jerk, or both. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[:30] Is this seminar only for partners experiencing betrayal? 
[3:55] How do I know if my partner is an addict or just an a**hole? 
[7:25] How should I define my inner circle behaviors after chem sex recovery? 
[12:09] My wife can’t get over my affair, it’s already been 10 months. 
[19:50] Can I trust that my husband suddenly has no urges to act out? 
[27:10] My husband says he’ll tell me anything that I ask him about. Was his disclosure incomplete? 
[31:52] Do you suggest a 12-Step program for the betrayed partner? It’s not my fault! 
[35:55] Can you clarify between a porn addict and a sex/love addict? 
[44:10 How long does recovery take on average? 
[49:19] Can recovery happen without a formal 12-Step program?
 
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES
“She’s not going to believe that you’re not sexually attracted to them when she doesn’t believe anything you say right now.” 
“The action that it takes to rebuild trust takes time.” 
“You may not be enmeshed in your partner’s behavior, but you are deeply involved.” 
“What matters most is the quality of the time that you are spending on your own individual work to heal and to rebuild trust.” 

Part 2: Busting Sex and Intimacy Myths with Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle

Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle continue their conversation with Dr. Rob about awakening sexuality to create a healthy sexual identity, especially after betrayal or trauma. Their new book Awaken Your Sexuality: Seeking Connection and Intimacy After Addiction and Trauma offers a personalized process to learning about your own sexuality, regardless of experiences you have had in the past. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:22] Vanessa’s perspective on sex workers. 
[6:29] If you love me, you wouldn’t do this.
[10:13] Betrayed partners get to choose what they are going to do next. 
[13:40] Compartmentalizing addictive and betrayal behavior. 
[15:52] Creating a healthy sexual partnership. 
[19:36] The danger of comparing your sex life to porn. 
[22:42] Learning about intimacy from the queer community.
[25:29] The shame of non-sexual but intimate couples. 
[27:31] Slow moving steps in healing from betrayal. 
[31:45] Faith-based sexuality. 
[35:36] Awakening your sexuality through a personalized process. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Stephanie Covington
Dr. Vanessa Carlisle
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“It is a fallacy to believe that the people who love us will never hurt us.” 
“Betrayed partners get to choose what they’re going to do about the situation they're in.” 
“Do you want to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t respect?” 
“You can’t use porn as your sex teacher. You’ve got to use your own body.” 

Part 1: Busting Sex and Intimacy Myths with Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle

Dr. Stephanie Covington and Dr. Vanessa Carlisle join Dr. Rob to discuss their new book Awaken Your Sexuality: Seeking Connection and Intimacy After Addiction and Trauma. They discuss the facts and myths of true intimacy, appropriate healing timelines after betrayal, and the danger of believing that sex is the only worthy expression of intimacy in a healthy and committed relationship. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[3:42] Seeking connection and intimacy after addiction and trauma. 
[6:29] A timeline for dealing with trauma during recovery. 
[9:46] The role of facing trauma in healing. 
[11:15] Addressing the why of addictive behavior.
[14:22] The challenge of culture on healthy sexuality. 
[17:33] Safety as an aphrodisiac. 
[20:20] Moving from betrayal to intimacy. 
[22:40] Myths surrounding sex and intimacy. 
[25:37] Small steps that lead to true intimacy. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Dr. Stephanie Covington
Dr. Vanessa Carlisle
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Recovery is a slow, slow process.”
“Asking why is a way to stay stuck.” 
“The depth of our need for sexual connection is not the problem.” 
“Safety is an aphrodisiac.” 
“Intimacy takes time.” 

Part 2: Outsmarting the Narcissist with Chelsey Cole

Chelsey Cole and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about narcissistic behavior. Chelsey outlines the impact that growing up with a narcissist can have on future relationships, the shame-rage cycle of a top-tier narcissist, and the signs that you are (most likely) not a narcissist, even if you occasionally act like one. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:22] The shame-rage cycle of a narcissist. 
[4:00] The top of the narcissistic scale. 
[6:17] Sociopathy, psychopathy, and narcissists and where they overlap. 
[7:55] The role of addiction in narcissism. 
[10:18] Chelsey’s personal experience with narcissism. 
[14:21] The impact of growing up with a narcissist. 
[16:11] Am I a narcissist too? 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Chelsey Cole
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“Narcissists do not deal with shame. They have the shame-rage cycle.” 
“To a narcissist, your pain is proof of their power.” 
“Anyone who is active in their addiction is going to look narcissistic.” 
“Narcissism presents in patterns of behavior over time.” 

Part 1: Outsmarting the Narcissist with Chelsey Cole

Chelsey Cole is a psychotherapist focusing on narcissistic abuse and complex trauma. She is the best-selling author of If Only I’d Known, and has joined Dr. Rob to explore what narcissism really is and what it isn’t. She offers clear signs and strategies of a grandiose narcissist, and offers hope for any partner who has been frustrated by assuming their narcissistic partner views relationships through the same lens they do. Unless you understand the views of a narcissist, you will never succeed in true communication and connection with them. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:10] Is he just selfish or is he a true narcissist? 
[5:26] Characteristics of the grandiose narcissist. 
[9:38] The danger of transactional views of relationships. 
[10:31] Stages of the narcissist spectrum. 
[14:45] Remorse motivation in a narcissist’s mind. 
[17:07] Steps in the cycle of narcissistic abuse. 
[20:03] Characteristics of the moderate to severe narcissists. 
[23:01] You’re not crazy! Narcissists actually want the conflict you are avoiding. 
[25:49] Pathological insecurity versus healthy insecurity. 
 
RESOURCES:
Sex and Relationship Healing
@RobWeissMSW
Sex Addiction 101 
Seeking Integrity
Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
Partner Sexuality Survey
Chelsey Cole
 
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 
 
QUOTES:
“True narcissists don’t have the stuff that it takes to create deep, committed relationships.” 
“Narcissists believe they are always the exception to every rule.” 
“For a true narcissist, their default is to not care about you, and to put their needs first.” 
“Narcissists actually seek the conflict you are avoiding.”